Taustaks mängib klassikaline muusika, mis on segunenud saunabasseini voolava allika tasase vulinaga.
Kasutaks eelmise sissekande sõnu: "Ma olen siin. Ma elan elu."
Vähemalt nii meeldib mulle mõelda :)
Üks asi on loopida tarka teooriat siia või kaustikusse:
- Kui miski tundub vale, ära tee seda
- Ütle täpselt seda, mida tegelikult mõtled
- Ära tee midagi ainult selleks, et inimestele meeldida
- Usalda oma instinkte.
- Ära karda öelda "EI"
- Ära karda öelda "JAH"
Nädalapäevad tagasi kohtusid "minu plaanid" ja "Elu plaanid". Esimesed, mõistes, kui jõuetud ja väikesed nad on, said aru, et siin pole teha muud kui alistuda :)*
Arvasin, et ma pean seda ja teist ja kolmandat, kuid siis, kui ma ühel õhtul voodis lamasin, sain ühtäkki aru, et tegelikult ei pea ma mitte kui midagi.
Mul on tunne, et ma pean, kuid see "pean" on tekkinud valikust, mille ma mingil hetkel ise olen teinud, AGA, kuna see on algselt olnud minu valik, on mul järelikult ka vabadus uuesti valida. Vabadus meelt muuta, vabadus oma lennupileteid mitte kasutada, vabadus anda endale aega ja puhkust, mida vajasin nii mitu korda rohkem kui järjekordset intensiivset ja seiklusrikast perioodi.
Jällegi, üks asi on endale muudkui korrutada: "Usun ja usaldan! Kuulan ja kuuletun!", kuid hoopis teine asi on ka reaalselt uskuda ja kuuletuda, julgedes selle järgi tegutseda.
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Kuigi ilmselt saab neid kulgemisi ning suunamuutusi teha ka lihtsalt ja loomulikult, on need 180 kraadised pöörded, mida mul kombeks teha, üldjuhul pigem järsud ja esmapilgul peaaegu et alusetud hüpped tundmatusse.Tõsi, ma teen endast parima, et olla nii sõnakuulelik ja paindlik kui ma vähegi oskan ning lisaks tuleb mul nentida, et keski/miski näib mind väga hoidvat, hoolitsedes selle eest, et mu maandumine pehme oleks. Tänu sellele olen justkui kass, kes alati käppadele maandub :)
Samas jällegi, eks ma olen seda juba päris palju (ehk isegi liiga palju?!) harjutanud ka - on ju see "ikka ja jälle nullist alustamine" protsess, mida olen korduvalt, lausa järjepidevalt, läbi tegemas, nii et ses osas ei midagi uut siin Päikese all :)
Ikka ja jälle tuleb nentida, et Elu on vist tõepoolest spiraal ning seepärast ongi loomulik ja loogiline, et aeg ajalt leian end taas justkui täpselt samast punktist. Samast punktist, kus ühe nurga alt vaadates tundub, et täitsa pe...s, aastad lähevad ja mitte s....gi pole muutunud, kuid teisalt, kui hoolikamalt süveneda, mõistan, et kõik on muutunud, mina ise kaasa arvatud!
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Samas, minu meeletu, kohati lausa lõputuna näiv, isepäisus ja vabaduse vajadus hirmutab mind pisut.Vabadus valida.
Vabadus otsustada.
Vabadus teha.
Vabadus mitte teha.
Vabadus minna.
Vabadus mitte minna.
Vabadus töötada.
Vabadus mitte töötada.
Vabadus olla üksinda.
Vabadus olla inimeste keskel.
Vabadus reisida.
Vabadus paigal olla.
Vabadus mõelda.
Vabadus tunda.
Vabadus öelda.
Vabandus teha, mida soovin.
Vabadus olla kellega soovin.
Siiski, viimase poole aasta sündmused on näidanud, et (üllatus! üllatus!:) ma polegi ainus, kes sel määral oma vabadust ja privaatsust kalliks peab. Leidub ka teisi, kelle kõrval on see hingamisruum, mida mina vajan, päris pisikene.
Sellest tulenevalt on mul tekkinud küsimus, et kas niisugused kaks inimest saavad ja oskavad koos olla või on see ainult aja küsimus, mil need vabad olevused teineteise vabadust siiski piirama hakkavad?
... kell on 00:45 öösel, papagoid hakkasid kõva häälega laulma. Heh, nad on vist ka hetkel seda meelt, et igal öösel polegi vaja magada :)
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Aitäh kõigi nende imeliste "juhuste" eest, mis mu siia tõid.
Aitäh selle ilusa koha, nende põnevate inimeste ja sügava kogemuse eest.
Aitäh mõistmise eest, et enda totaalseks väljalülitamiseks polegi vaja lennukisse istuda ning riiki vahetada, kuna meie enda pisikene Eestimaa pakub võimalusi, millest on küll ja rohkemgi veel :)
Heh, kuigi lõpuks tuleb ju nagunii tunnistada, et kogu see väline virr-varr on paras illusioon. Keskkond on oluline, kuigi teisejärguline, kuna inimesed on alati oluliselt olulisemad kui koht ja mis seal salata, lõppkokkuvõttes on ju mistahes elusituatsioon ALATI minu enda peas, vaatenurgas ja suhtumises kinni ning ai kui raske see vahest on!!!
"Vastused on Sinu sees, väike kivil istuv mees!" laulab Jaan Tätte ja täpselt nii ongi.
... vähemalt nii mulle hetkel tundub.
Kuulan ja kuuletun!
Usun ja usaldan!
Vaatan oma silmadega!
Tunnetan oma südamega!
Isegi kõige parema tahtmise juures ei oskaks ma end paremini kirjeldada kui tema seda teeb :)
"The safest way to enter into romance with an Aquarian female is to remember she's as paradoxical in love as she is in everything else. That way, you won't be expecting Priscilla Alden and get Pocahontas.
This girl has all the faithfulness of the fixed signs when die's in love, but she also has the detachment and lack of emotion of the air element. It's possible to have a happy relationship with the Uranus woman if you leave her free to pursue her myriad interests and circulate among her friends. Never try to tie her to the stove or the bedpost. Ask the man who's tried. She can suddenly decide to study ballet, meditate in the mountains or join the Peace Corps.
She dreams different dreams than you or I. She hears a distant drummer-and follows a star most of us have never seen.
She belongs to everyone, and yet to no one.The Aquarian girl's demand for freedom is insistent, but her allegiance to anyone who can accept romance within such limits is boundless.When you set out to catch this butterfly in your net, remember that she'll never spend her unpredictable life with a man who isn't true to himself. Her own code of ethics may be as weird as anything you've ever come across, and quite different from the accepted codes of society, but she lives up to it totally. She'll understand that your rules may also be highly individual. That's fine with her, but don't compromise those rules. Like all Aquarians, she may have an unconscious fear that desire for one person will imprison the spirit in some way, and keep her from being true to her one great love-freedom. Freedom to experiment and investigate and freedom to give time to humanity.She's graceful, witty, bright as a penny, and extremely adaptable to all forms of society, high and low and in the middle.Before you give her too much credit, consider that her lack of passionate jealousy is due to something more than strength of character. First of all, she probably dissected your psyche under a microscope before she gave you a second glance. Besides, she has so many outside interests and so many people who turn her on to talk with, there's not much time for her to worry about what you're doing when you're out of sight.
Occasionally, an Aquarian woman will suffer a promiscuous or flirtatious mate, because there's something she needs which she can find only with him, so she looks the other way. On the other hand, if she doesn't really need you, that moral strength will work in reverse at the first actual proof of infidelity. Shell simply walk away.Uranus women involved in extra-marital affairs are rare. They can be tempted in exceptional situations, but a dishonest relationship goes against their chemistry. It won't be long until an undercover romance is broken off for good. Yet, there are many Aquarian divorcees. There's a reason. If a situation becomes intolerable, the Uranian nature turns cold suddenly. They can disappear overnight, and never look back. They don't seek or enjoy divorce, but it isn't the shock to them it is to their more sentimental sisters. Uranus rules change, you know. Since she's such an individualist, with a list of friends several miles long, the Aquarian female never hesitates to make her way alone if the need arises.The Aquarian manner of dressing can stop you dead in your tracks. There are a few of them who could grace the cover of a fashion magazine, but the average Aquarian girl is anything but conventional about her costumes. She can wear some outfits a gypsy would envy, and her naked individuality can produce some mighty unique combinations.
Occasionally, an Aquarian woman will suffer a promiscuous or flirtatious mate, because there's something she needs which she can find only with him, so she looks the other way. On the other hand, if she doesn't really need you, that moral strength will work in reverse at the first actual proof of infidelity. Shell simply walk away.Uranus women involved in extra-marital affairs are rare. They can be tempted in exceptional situations, but a dishonest relationship goes against their chemistry. It won't be long until an undercover romance is broken off for good. Yet, there are many Aquarian divorcees. There's a reason. If a situation becomes intolerable, the Uranian nature turns cold suddenly. They can disappear overnight, and never look back. They don't seek or enjoy divorce, but it isn't the shock to them it is to their more sentimental sisters. Uranus rules change, you know. Since she's such an individualist, with a list of friends several miles long, the Aquarian female never hesitates to make her way alone if the need arises.The Aquarian manner of dressing can stop you dead in your tracks. There are a few of them who could grace the cover of a fashion magazine, but the average Aquarian girl is anything but conventional about her costumes. She can wear some outfits a gypsy would envy, and her naked individuality can produce some mighty unique combinations.
Since Uranus rules the future, you might imagine that these girls would be natural mothers. Children do, after all, belong to the future. But the average Aquarian woman may be bewildered by motherhood in the beginning. She has to adjust to devoting all her attention and energy exclusively to one human being for a period of time, when she's used to spreading herself far and wide, and this can take some practice. Her natural aloofness may make it difficult for her to demonstrate warm affection outwardly. The typical Aquarian mother is devoted to her offspring, but also somewhat detached toward them. But shell probably be the most willing PTA worker in the neighborhood.We may be a little ahead of ourselves. Even though Uranus likes to reverse the existing orders of things, before your Aquarian girl becomes a mother she has to become a wife. And before she becomes your wife, you'll have to convince her that marriage isn't synonymous with Al-catraz. She won't exactly rush into matrimony. She's in no hurry to take your name until she's weighed you, sorted you, tested you, and found out what makes you tick. The opinions of her friends and family will mean nothing, though she may ask them what they think out of curiosity. She has her own yardstick for measuring you.
Because her nature is so impersonal, expressions of deep feeling won't come easily. Although the unique Uranus outlook leads some Aquarian girls into peculiar attachments, once they find the right mate their marriages are usually models of happiness.
The line between friendship and love is often all but invisible to Aquarius. Love songs about people who only have eyes for each other strike her as silly. There are so many miracles in the world for eyes to behold, it seems to her a terrible waste for two pairs of them to do nothing but gaze into each other's depths. Shell be glad to let you take her hand and walk beside her as she looks with happy delight on the sunrise, an antique car, the milkman's horse, a yellow garbage pail, a stuffed owl or a red balloon caught in a church steeple. But don't distract her with too much to-getherness. Let her wander through her wonderland alone when she chooses, and she'll never question your pinochle games with the boys.
The quickest ways to lose her are to show jealousy, pos-sessiveness or prejudice; to be critical, stuffy or ultra-conservative. You'll also have to like her friends, who will come in odd, assorted sizes and shapes.
She's susceptible to sudden flashes of inspiration, and her intuition is remarkable. Her judgment may not seem sound or practical at first, because she sees months and years ahead. The Aquarian girl lives in tomorrow, and you can only visit there through her. What she says will come true, perhaps after many delays and troubles, but it will come true."
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