Could I have it spicy please?

Kristi honey, as if you didn´t know before that never ever order a spicy food in oriental place!?
It should be kind of obvious that their normal is your spicy anyway and their spicy is WAY TOO SPICY for you.
Well, thanks for reminding me. I kind of know but yes, after today I am absolutely convinced :) I had tears in my eyes when eating my spicy vegetarian noodles today.
Even the half a litre of water which I was drinking while and after eating, didn´t seem to relieve the "fire" in my mouth. Heh, anyway, it sure was lot of fun and it was really tasty food in general ... so, I have actually no regrets for mentioning the "Could I have it spicy please!" thing :)

I am not sure if it is my notebook and the fact that I have a habit to start writing whenever I need to wait for something or maybe it is just a coincidence but the minute I take it out, people around me start behaving differently.
Maybe this a way how see things myself but I have every reason to believe that at least in today´s place they seriously thought I was some kind of journalist, writing reviews or whatever.
Well, when I think back, maybe my today´s bit weird behaviour gave them every reason to believe so.
In the beginning all this asking for spicy thing, then ordering it as a take-away because it was already more than 10pm in the evening but after going to bathroom, I went back to the girl who took my order and let her know,
"Sorry, I changed my mind - if possible, I would actually eat here. So, there is no need to pack it after all."
I am sitting behind the table, taking out my notebook and start writing down some stuff.

After what the girl behind the counter is giving me a super BIG smile which seems to brighten up the whole room - maybe because of the open notebook in front of me or maybe because she was just such a sweet person, I don´t know.
Cammoon girl, since when it is not allowed to smile without any particular reason?! ...and look who is talking about this kind of thing. Do you have any idea why you are smiling so much, do you do it in order to impress somebody? Or do you do it to get something you want? You see what I´m trying to say here, there is no reason behind most of the smiles. Many people, like yourself, just smile because they like to do so or because they just feel like smiling. As simple as.

..anyway, never mind all these kind of dialogues, there are parts of the very important "discussions" between ME and me :)
There are 2 of the staff members eating not far from my table, one of them the main cheff of the place. Both of them using shopsticks - something which I`ve always had trouble using but because this food is both - hot and HOT (in terms of spicy:) and I am able to eat only small pieces at a time anyway, I decide to give shopsticks a try.
They are kind of big and the paper bag around them says, "Harbin Beer. Welcome"
The fact that they are made of plastic, makes them really slippy and it won´t be long until one of them "flies away" - literally really :) - and lands on the floor.
Before I am able to react, without talking about picking it up, the cheff of the place is already standing next to my table and is handing me the new set of chopsticks.
I think I may look bit surprised at first because it was something which I hadn´t been expecting at all but after few seconds I get myself together and say something which all the people would in the circumstance like, "Thanks a lot!"

Once again. I am not entirely sure whether they are so nice and welcoming with everybody or does the notebook which is still on the table next to me, really hold the "Magic Key" of this kind of excellent customer service :D

When I am finally finished, being almost in tears - because of the "could I have it spicy please!" thing:) - and start putting my coat on, the girl behind the counter is literally staring at me, waiting to make a friendly, kind of "Good-Bye!" eye-contact with me and the same does the cheff behind her.
It is a nice place and they seem to be lovely people but their way of treating me as some kind of V.I.P quest, is getting bit weird and makes me feel awkward.
The minute I step out from the place and think about crossing the street, the first car stops and the driver inside shows me with the polite gesture that the road is all mine.
Wow, what a night! Only the red carpet is missing! I smile, kind of wave with my hand to thank him and keep on walking.

Only thing is that my mouth (and pretty much everything inside of me really:) is still as in fire and as I mentioned before, water doesn´t seem to be helping.
I need a bite of something really sweet. Maybe it will kind of neutralize it?
The same way how they did in India. At first it was really spicy something and later it was sooooooo very sweet piece of dessert and after that everything was back in balance again.

I stop in the random shop and buy a small pack of chewy toffee. It is few minutes after 11 pm ... there should be two last buses coming and actually one of them I can see already BUT at the same moment I see the sign "Irish Coffee 5 eur" and even though I´ve only drunk it once before, I suddenly feel that maybe this, combined with my toffee I just got, would be perfect match to "cool down" the "spicy fire" inside of me.

Strange. Not a great fan of coffee nor whiskey at all, here I am, missing one of my buses to get an Irish Coffee :)
I suppose that´s the way it starts, doesn´t it? One drink and then one more then missing the last bus and ...heh, anyway.
My notebook really deserves the title of today´s ICE-BREAKER :)
Why? Because the minute it was on the table again, the guy who had just finished performing in this pub, was suddenly standing next to me, smiling and saying "Hi" ? Yeah, or it could have easily be that he wasn´t actually smiling to me but kind of laughing at me because who is sitting in the pub at 11.30pm with a notebook while drinking Irish Coffee??
Coffee, Kristi, are you nuts - you don´t drink coffee even in the mornings, you hardly ever drink it at all and now you are having one right before midnight.

Well, yes, but guess what. This is the only reason why all those lines are getting down here right now because even though it is already 2.20 am, I am still awake and don´t even feel like sleeping at all ;)
Still, no worries, next time I will skip the midnight´s coffee, I promise.
Before I leave this pub, I stop next to a big piano to read a sign which I find really cute :)
"Please respect me.
I´m old.
Please refrain from placing drinks on top of me."

*

Bus comes straight away, is quite empty and the minute I sit, I can hear somebody calling from the back
"Miss, miss...."
I turn around and 5-6 seats behind me is the same guy who I was writing about not long ago. The drunk guy who was telling me how important it is to be who you are :)
Guess what? He is drunk again but strangely enough he recognizes me and it is so funny how he approaches me, asking politely if he can come and sit closer to me.
Once he has landed on a seat behind me, it is very weird and sweet at the same time how he is making his confession, "I have had few drinks again!"
"Yes, I can see that. How often do you drink?" I ask.

"Too often. You´re allowed to give out to me. I don´t mind," he is telling me, looking straight into my eye and it makes me feel as if I was his wife or something. I mean, why should I give out to him because he is drinking? I´ve seen him only once in my life before :)
Once again he starts talking how important is to be who you are. How important it is to have a craick, to have a great laugh with someone.
He himself thinks that he drinks so much because he is lonely. Suddenly he starts the familiar monologue again when it is only him talking, "Do I like you. Yeah, I think I like you. It actually takes a really nice person to even talk to me. It´s great. I really enjoy talk. If you would like to call me, it is alright but if you don´t, it is alright as well....it´s the worst thing to ask a woman´s phone number. It is always better to give mine. If you don´t want to use it, it is alright as well ...yes, I know, I drink too much. Do I like you? Yes, I think I like you, you´re a great girl! I know, I am honest. Maybe even too honest. But I am who I am and I love the craick."

Last time, even though I did listen to what he said, I paid no attention to his looks and therefore, when I reread the post I had written about him, I have written he was a man in his fifties, completely drunk. Today I actually looked into his face and realized he is not as old as I had thought.
He is no more than 40, maybe even less but the huge amount alcohol has obviously played its part and makes him look older than he actually his.
*
Strange, just an hour or two ago, while walking past all those pubs in the centre, instead of my regular kind of "Why is it necessary to drink so much?" I found myself wondering, "What if there was no alcohol, what would all those people, who are in pubs right now, be doing? What would they be like?"
*
Why? You were there as well? Do you think that because you were just passing the centre after a day at work and decided to just wander around a bit, makes you any different or better than rest of the people in the city centre? Or do you feel that because of instead going out for a cigarette, you are taking out your notebook, you are somehow superior over others? Or let´s put it other way around, do you think they are worth less only because they are drunk?
Do you mind me asking WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ANYBODY ELSE?
Yes, yes, I know, this inner "conversation" thing kicked in again and yeah, I know, I´m slightly losing it. It is 2:47 am.

*
By the way, it is almost the end of November and it was 14 degrees outside this evening. Nice and warm and really mild - it was wonderful to just wander around without any direction.

Still, because it was really cold yesterday, I had my coat and scarf and leg-warmerers, which were bit too much for today though :)

Despite of being packed myself, I occasionally still feel cold when looking all those girls who are walking around the city, literally half-naked with their 10cm heels. Jesus Christ ...are they really nit cold at all and how can they even walk with those kind of shoes? :)
It will be 3 am any minute now. At least next time I know that when I need to be awake longer than usually (not that I needed it today:), it is advisable to drink one Irish Coffee right before midnight ;)

Pictures are from:
i.rosaceans.com
robsworld.org
barewalls.com

The mortality rate is still 100%

And I loved deeper
And I spoke sweeter
And I gave forgiveness I'd been denyin'
And he said some day I hope you get the chance
To live like you were dyin'

He said I was finally the husband, that most the time I wasn't
And I became a friend, a friend would like to have
And all of a sudden goin' fishin, wasn't such an imposition
And I went three times that year I lost my dad
Well I finally read the good book, and I took a good long hard look
At what I'd do if I could do it all again



Why is it that I need to be reminded the fact that I won´t live forever?
Why is it that I do take my every day so for granted?
Why is it that despite throwing around the quotes like "Life is uncertain. Eat the dessert first" I am still waiting something "real" and "special" to happen some day in the future but until that day I will just hang around and do something to spend my time here on Planet Earth?
Why is it that there are still so many unsaid words which I think I will say little bit later when the time and circumstances are right?
Why is it that I need someone to die to start living myself?
*
Not wanting to sound heartless or completely out of place but it was just this week when my little brother was basically walking around with the urn which consisted the ashes of our grandmother?!
So, it really is true that we come from nothing and end up exactly the same way - being NOTHING, just fading away ... into the endless something?!
How surreal is it? I really think I much rather live in my wishy-washy dreamland where people (nor animals:) are not dying but live happily ever after.
However, I´ve never been afraid to die nor have I been afraid of the cemeteries. I remember one summer sport camp where many of us walked (aprx 2,5 km) to the beach to celebrate the last evening of the camp. In order to get there, we all went over an old cemetery and further on the road continued through the forest.
I was only 13 or 14 but obviously old enough to know what I did or didn´t like and I didn´t like what was going on over there during that night.
So, I did let some people know that I will leave and go back to the camp. Some of them laughed out loud because they never believed I would go back all alone through the forest and over the cemetery in the middle of the night.
But I did ... because of the full moon it was easy enough to see the road and I don´t remember myself being afraid at all. In fact, I think cemeteries are not scary at all - they are one of the most peaceful places I know.
It was a nice walk and at the same time it was one of the first times (out of many more to come) when I turned around and walked away from the "mainstream" :)
*
One thing is to talk about Death but another thing is to feel the meaning of it. Since I was little, I'd occasionally use my imagination and suddenly would have this FEELING of huge emptiness and the "This is it! That journey is over now" kind of thing filling my heart and my head? and it leads to realization - everything really is temporary and meant to fade away when the time comes ?!
*
The more I look at Life, the more I try my very best to understand it and to learn about it´s ways, the more I need to agree with Joni Mitchell and to admit that I REALLY DON`T KNOW LIFE AT ALL.
Still, I won´t take the honor of "finding" this song all by myself as actually it was recommended by someone who has played a great part of my this year's "adventures" :)

BOTH SIDES NOW
/---/
I've looked at love from both sides now,
From give and take, and still somehow
It's love's illusions i recall.
I really don't know love at all.

Tears and fears and feeling proud to say "i love you" right out loud,
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds, i've looked at life that way.
But now old friends are acting strange, they shake their heads, they say
I've changed.
Something's lost but something's gained in living every day.

I've looked at life from both sides now,
From win and lose, and still somehow
It's life's illusions i recall.
I really don't know life at all.



Dean Ornish, M.D. Founder and President, Preventive Medicine Research Institute; Clinical Professor of Medicine, University of California, San Francisco
has written the foreword to the Marianne Willamson´s book (yes, yes, Marianne again:) and among other things he is saying:

"Because the mechanisms that affect our health are so dynamic, when we work on a deeper level, we´re likely to feel so much better, so quickly, that it reframes the reasons for change from fear of dying to joy of living.
Fear is not a sustainable motivator. Why? It´s too scary. We all know we´re going to die one day - the mortality rate is still 100 percent, one per person - but who wants to think about it? Even people who have had heart attacks usually change for only a few weeks before they go back to their old patterns of living and eating.
With Marianne as our guide, we can go back to the root cause of our suffering: we´ve forgotten who we really are. Health comes from the root "to make whole." The word yoga derives from the Sanskrit word meaning "to yoke", to bring together. Science is helping to document the wisdom of ancient traditions.
Intimacy is healing. Trust is everything, because we can only be intimate to the degree we can make ourselves emotionally vulnerable. A fully committed relationship allows both people to feel complete trust in each other. Trust allows us to feel safe, we can open our heart to the person and be completely naked and vulnerable to him or her - physically, emotionally, and spiritually. When our heart is fully open and vulnerable, we can expect profound levels of intimacy that are healing, joyful, powerful, creative, and intensely ecstatic. We can surrender to each other out of strenght and wisdom - not out of fear, weakness, and submission.
/---/
Prayers and meditation allow us to access our inner wisdom more intentionally. Have you ever awakened in the middle of the night and figured out the answer to a problem that had been troubling you? All spiritual traditions describe a "still, small voice within" a voice that speaks very clearly but very quietly. It´s easily drowned out by the chatter and business of everyday life. For many people, the only time the mind is quiet enough to hear one´s inner voice is when waking up in the middle of the night.
As Oprah Winfrey once said, "Listen to the whisper before it becomes a scream."
/---/
On another level, spiritual practices, taken deeply enough, allow us to experience that we are part of something much larger that connects us, whatever name we give to that (even to give it a name is to limit what is a limitless experience). We are part of, not just apart from, everyone and everyhing. We are That. In this context, love is not something we get; it´s who we are.
When we can maintain that "double vision" - both the duality and the underlying unity - then we can enjoy life more fully and accomplish even more without so much suffering and stress, from a place of wholeness rather than lacking, from a feeling of interconnectedness rather than seprarateness and islolation. Our lives become manifestations of love, acts of love - the most powerful force in the universe".

Quotes of Women, Love and Life :)

Yes, yes, lot of pink and girlish things are on their way :)
Well, what can I do that I was born as a girl and found it fascinating to read the every day quotes from the "Desk Calendar for Women".
As all my notebooks come and go as they please and it is almost impossible to keep a track on them, I better get the list of my favorites down here.
Well, as there were 360 something in total, my list of favorites is not very short either.
Yeah, which means that here will be quite many of them but so what?!
... I mean, it´s not as if there was a word limit or something when blogging. So, why should I try to make it short then !?
Just, I never know when I need to get some inspiration ;) Remember, like the "good old" times, when I wasn´t using my own thoughts but was constantly referring to somebody else´s wise words.
Heh, no need to remind me that though :)

A real friend is one who walks in when rest of the world walks out
/author unknown/

To love and win is the best thing. To love and lose, is the next best
/William Makepeace Thackeray, 1811-64/

Love makes your soul crawl out from its hiding place
/Zora Neale Hurston, 1891-1960/

No matter what a woman looks like, if she´s confident, she´s sexy
/Paris Hilton, born 1981/

There is no cosmetic for beauty like happiness
/Marguerite, Counters of Blessington, 1789-1849/

Kisses are like tears, the only real ones are the ones you can´t hold back
/author unknown/

We can live without religion and meditation but we cannot survive without human affection
/Tenzin Gyatso 14th Dalai Lama, born 1935/

Being a full time mother is one of the highest salaried jobs since the payment is pure love
/Mildred B. Vermont/

A woman is as old as she looks before breakfast
/Edgar Watson Howe, 1853-1937/

Housework is what woman does that nobody notices unless she hasn´t done it
/Evan Esar, 1899-1995/

It´s possible to forgive someone a great deal if he makes you laugh
/Caroline Llewellyn/

Instead of getting hard ourselves and trying to compete, women should try to give their best qualities to men - bring them softness, teach them how to cry
/Joan Baez, born 1941/

Everyone hears what you say.
Friends listen to what you say.
Best friends listen to what you don´t say.
/Anonymous/

My most brilliant achievement was my ability to be able to persuade my wife to marry me
/Winston Churchill, 1874-1965/

Having a sister is like having a best friend you can´t get rid of. You know whatever you do, they´ll be still there
/Amy Li/

You can kid the world. But not your sister.
/Charlotte Gray, born 1948/

One of the best things about being an adult is the realization that you can share with your sister and still have plenty for yourself
/Betsy Cohen/

Elegance is a question of personality, more than one´s clothing
/Jean-Paul Caultier, born 1952/

Fashion is what you adopt when you don´t know who you are
/Quentin Crisp, 1908-99/

While clothes may not make the woman, they certainly have a strong effect on her self-confidence - which, I believe, does make the woman
/Mary Kay Ash, 1918-2001/

Grandmothers are just antique little girls
/Author unknown/

The first problem for all of us, men and women, is not to learn, but to unlearn
/Gloria Steinem, born 1934/

Women always worry about the things that men forget; men always worry about the things women remember
/Author unknown/

Women are meant to be loved, not to be understood
/Oscar Wilde, 1854-1900/

Love me when I least deserve it, because that´s when I really need it
/Author unknown/

Love does not consist in gazing at each other; but in looking outward together in the same direction.
/Antoine de Saint-Exupivy, 1900-44/

The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue
/Author unknown/

It is important from time to time to slow down, to go away by yourself, and simply BE
/Eileen Caddly, 1917-2006/

A charming woman doesn´t follow the crowd. She is herself
/Loretta Young, 1913-2000/

At the touch of love, everyone becomes a poet
/Plato/

When a child is born, so are grandmothers
/Judith Levy/

The best way to gain self-confidence is to do what you are afraid to do
/Author unknown/

Above all, remember that the most important thing you can take anywhere is not your Guzzi bag or French-cut jeans; it´s an open mind
/Gail Rubin Berny/

The expression a woman wears on her face is more important than the clothes she wears on her back
/Dale Carnegie, 1888-1955/

Whether you think you can or think you can´t - you are right
/Henry Ford, 1863-1942/

Make the most of yourself, for that is all there is of you
/Ralph Waldo Emerson, 1803-82/

Life shrinks or expands on proportion to one´s courage
/Anais Nin, 1903-77/

It´s not who you are not that holds youd back, it´s who you think you are not
/Author unknown/

You have to expect things of yourself before you can do them
/Michael Jordan, born 1963/

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us
/Ralph Waldo Emerson, 1803-82/

If we did all the things we are capable of doing, we would literally astound ourselves
/Thomas Alva Edison, 1847-1931/

When there is no enemy within, the enemies outside cannot hurt you
/African proverb/

I cook with wine; sometimes I even add it to the food
/W. C. Fields, 1880-1946/

The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother
/Author unknown/

Find out who you are and do it on purpose
/Dolly Parton, born 1946/

Life is uncertain. Eat dessert first
/Ernestine Ulmer/

It´s such a grand thing to be a mother of a mother - that´s why the world calls her grandmother
/Author unknown/

I don´t want to get to the end of my life and find that I lived just the lenght of it. I want to have lived the width of it as well
/Drane Ackerman, born 1948/

Age is something that doesn´t matter, unless you are a cheese
/Billie Burke, 1884-1970/

Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn´t
/Erica Jong, born 1942/

Never doubt that a small group of committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has
/Margaret Mead, 1901-78/

Those who don´t know how to weep with their whole heart, don´t know how to laugh, either
/Golda Meir, 1898-1978/

Don´t compromise yourself, you are all you´ve got
/Janis Joplin, 1943-70/

You must do the thing you think you cannot do
/Eleanor Roosevelt, 1884-1962/

Think wrongly, if you please, but in all cases think for yourself
/Doris Lening, born 1919/

Take your work seriously, but never yourself
/Magot Fonteyn, 1919-1991/

How wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single moment before starting to improve the world
/Anne Frank, 1929-45/

Follow your instincts. That´s where true wisdom manifests itself
/Oprah Winfrey, born 1954/

If only we´d stop trying to be happy, we´d have a pretty good time
/Edith Whaston, 1862-1937/

To live is so startling it leaves little time for anything else
/Emily Dickisnon, 1830-86/

A bird doesn´t sing because it has an answer, it sings because it has a song
/Maya Angelon, born 1928/

The only thing that makes life possible is permanent, intolerable uncertainty; not knowing what comes next
/Ursula K. Le Gevin, born 1929/

???
So, what´s next?
I have no f....ng idea :)
I wish I had
... even though I must admit that Ursula K. Le Gevin is most probably right when she says that this UNCERTAINTY is the thing what makes life possible at all !?
Time really flies - it is almost midnight - time to go to bed, time to go to bed ...heh :)

*

Actually, one more thing. When writing all those dates, you know 1879-1865 etc etc, it made me think about the saying I´ve heard many times. Well it has been a day quotes already anyway :) That in the end THE LIFE WILL BE ONLY THE CAP BETWEEN TWO NUMBERS !!!
That's all it is.

You know, all this struggle for one single short line?
At least those people have their names and some sentences in addition to this cap between two numbers.
What is the legacy I want to leave behind?
What would I like to add into the cap between the 2 numbers? :) Bit hard topic, I know but today is bit mad in general.
It started in the morning when I had the weirdest dream ever. I think I have never ever had so many characters in my dreams during one night and such a wide range topics covered.
It started with my dad and doing some business plan with him, then there were loads of people I have worked with. My dad wanted to share a small shop and to share it with 7 more partners and so were discussing products, prizes and I remember that for me this sharing thing seemed very weird and I did everything to convince him to change his mind.
Another moment I was in high-school, letting everybody know that I am leaving for good ... I was crying like crazy (in the dream I mean) and then, a minute later, it was still me but in a complete rush, running away from someone, hiding myself into the plane and locking myself into the plane for many years.
By that time I was a black woman who suddenly had 4 black babies ??? and I was doing their laundry all day long, still locked in the plane, all my life was there really...Jesus Christ, like really, it was so damn real, all of it... so much so that the first minutes after an alarm I didn´t understand a thing??
All I felt was that I was so very exhausted from this night which was full of all those more than weird dreams?
But now I really gotta go to bed ... and have some new "interesting" dreams may be? Lol

Picture is from
www.dreamstime.com