Be available

Paulo Coelho´s FB update from today

‎"Be available! (Soyez disponibles!)" said the priest in the Midnight Mass yesterday, at Eglise Sainte-Thérèse, Geneve.
This is the best synthesis I ever heard of the Christmas spirit.
Let's be available so the Lord can use us to perform miracles, available to our brothers and sisters, available to ourselves and to our dreams.

Jõulud

Palju taasnägemisRÕÕMU

Tallinn
Kallid inimesed
Südamest südamesse jutud
Kodutee
Lumesadu
Lihula
Noorte rõõmsad näod
Konsum nagu Konsum ikka
Isa soe kallistus
Mu kullakene, punane auto
Autosõit läbi sumesaju ja raadios vastav laul - esimene kord sel aastal, kui jõulutunne reaalselt hinge poeb :)



Kirikuküla
Lumesadu
Panen raadio nii kõvaks kui saan
Kaugelt hakkavad paistma KODU tuled
Raadiost tuleb Dagö Joonistatud mees



Torre metsik rõõmutants

Soojad toad ja küdev saunaahi

Jalutuskäik pimeda õhtu valgel külateel

Kuldse Kolmiku energiaring

Saksa poisi muinasjutu kirjutamise lugu

Kasevihtadega laval

Soe flanellpidzaama ning paljad jalad

Selge tähistaevas ja karge õhk

Suur jõulutäht aknal säramas

Lõputu taevalaotus ja sama ääretu tänulikkus hinges

Jap, see on nüüd taas rohkem kui kindel - ei ole väga vahet, kus olla - olulised on inimesed meie ümber ja kõik see, mida oleme võimelised ja valmis omavahel jagama !!!

"Kodu see ei ole koda, millel aken, uks.

Ilma kodutundeta me jääme kodutuks"

... AITÄHHHHHHHHH kõigile selle sooja kodutunde eest, mis mulle täna alates Tallinnas maandumise ajast osaks on saanud.

Maybe this time?

TODAY

7 am in Williamsville. Last checking if I took everything I need? From my short glance to the direction of the table, there is my passport, kind of screaming out from other things but I´m thinking: "No, there´s no point to take it along becayse my ID card will be enough!"

8 am Walk from car park to Dublin Airport. What a lovely morning it is!

8.20 am security gates - all is well, no hair clips or belts causing beeping today.

8.35 am everything is ready for boarding, travel documents and boarding pass - both put aside that I´d be able to reach them easily when needed

8.45 am standing in the boarding queue when I suddenly realise that I can´t find my ID ??? No, no, it can´t be happening because I had just put everything ready and it was right here a moment ago. Maybe I did put it into the pocket? No, nothing. Maybe I accidentally put into the side of the suitcase, maybe, maybe ... nothing.

I have lost my ID and I don´t have my passport which means that unless I´m able to find my ID or am able to organise the transportation of my passport during next 35 minutes which is left until departure, I AM NOT ABLE TO FLY TODAY!!!

I apologize and find my way out from the queue in order to turn my things upside down and track back my steps during the last 10 minutes since I last remember having my ID.

"Jesus Christ Kristi, don´t you ever learn? It was only 2 years ago when in the aiport of Malaga, you were able to lose both - your boarding pass and passport before the departure. Yes, this story had a very fortunate ending but don´t you think it makes sense not to repeat the same stupidity? Not to try your luck again?"

Yes, yes, this time, I promise, I really do, I will never ever give myself even an opportunity to misplace either of those 2 important things - 2 things nobody wants to lose in the airport?

BUT at the same time I need to face the reality that it seems that I have lost my ID ... it is not on the floor where I was standing before, it is not in the toilet either ... At the same time I try to think if it makes sense to call mum and ask her to drive home really fast to get my passport? Even though my mind is doing everything else but thinking straight, I make a clear decision it is better not to disturb her at work because probably the 20 minutes wouldn´t be enough anyway and I definitely don´t want her trying to drive as fast as possible.

8.54 am After stepping out from the toilet, from the last place I was hoping to find my ID, I conclude, having cold swet running down along my spine, that maybe not flying is not so bad option after all?

Maybe Christmas have something else in their mind for me?

Having thought that, I look straight ahead and on one chair I notice a familiar piece of plastic - my ID ! Someone must have put it there because I didn´t sit on that chair - at least I don´t remember doing so even though by now, I wouldn´t exactly bet on my own memory :)

But I do sit now and take a deep breath in ... I realise I´ve hardly been breathing at all during last 8-9 minutes, only swetting and being really upset because it was only my own lack of attention which had caused all this spinning around and which almost made me miss my flight?

However, by now I feel really lucky and fortunate of being able to join the queue again soon. Another thing is that the flight is being half an hour delayed, so, all those peole are standing there in their long long queue but as for me, the place I´m getting is absolutely irrelevant, extremely grateful for qualifying to get on board at all :), I just sit back and relax - letting myself to cool down a bit.

9:40 On board, there is an elderly gentelman, asking if the place between me (sitting in aisle) and between window seat, where is one man, is available.
He squeezes himself into the seat in the middle and off we go. However, Im glad he did so because he turns out to be a chatty, open and very interesting companion for the next 3 hours. Originally from South Africa, being moved into the farm in Northern Ireland 11 years ago, he is now going to visit his son´s family in Finland for Christmas.
Also, the other man from the window seat, even though almost completely quiet for an hour, seeming even bit arrogant at first glance, suddenly opened his mouth and ordered teas/coffees for all our row?? Well, this thing has never happened to me on a plane before?

Another lesson from today, in addition to the one that ALWAYS KEEP YOUR BOARDING PASS AND ID SAFE, is that never ever prejudge because he turns out to be a great guy and the last 2 hours we were having a conversation group of 3. He is aprx 50, from UK but living in Ireland now and has an Estonian girlfriend who he visits 5-6 times per year.

Woooooowwww, Auuuchhh - there are few moments with really strong turbulence and the plane kind of falling for few seconds. So much so that even the members of the cabin crew freak out for a moment, without talking about passengers.
I feel how my knees are shaking and I find myself thinking: "So, that´s why my ID card tried to prevent me from flying today?"

Some passengers need glass of water and one woman is crying but other than that - soon enough we are all back to normal. The jokes of my neighbours help me to "recover" from those 10 seconds of "what if ..." and by the end of the flight we are all waiting for each other, walking together through Tallinn airport, expressing hope to meet again.

"So, that´s why my ID wanted me to get on board among one of the first but among last people?" and I conclude that everything really does happen for a reason and I suppose it is so true that out of every situation, only good will come - just, this good may not be quite visible in the beginning. Lol

Vanaema malenupus

Täpselt nädalapäevad tagasi istusin mamma hoovi peal asuvas garaazis ja ajasin temaga juttu. Mis sest, et kõik, mis temast tänaseks alles, on tuhk malenupukujulise urni sees?
Garaaziukse jätsin enda järel igaks juhuls lahti, sest mingil imelikul kombel oli suht suur aukartus, peaaegu et hirm, selle urni ees.

Istusin ja vaatasin seda enda ees kõrguvat, umbes 30 cm kõrgust malenuppu ning mõtlesin, et täiesti lõpp ikka (otseses mõttes lõpp) - terve elu ta tegutses ja toimetas ja möllas ringi nii, kuidas vähegi oskas ja sai - ning nüüdseks on see kõik läinud, läinud oma igavikulisele teele, jättes järele vaid tuha malenupus ??? Samas, võib-olla ei ole midagi läinud ega kadunud, võib-olla elu muutis lihtsalt oma vormi.
Teisalt jättis ta endast ju nii palju järele, k.a meie kõik, nii et selles mõttes elab ta ju edasi :)
Usun järjest enam, et me kõik oleme tulnud siia ilma looma ja sünnitama - kes uusi inimesi siia päikese alla, kes muusikat, kes kirjandusteoseid, kes äri-impeeriume, kes erinevaid variatsioone kõigest eelnevast.

*

Panin Google´sse sõna "malenupp", et siia kõrvale vastav sümboolika leida ning esimesel korral "Search" nuppu vajutades tuli rida mingeid sootuks muid pilte.
Ühel, mis sealt esireast kohe silma jäi ja mida siin kõrval vasakul näha võib, ei ole male ega malenuppudega mitte kui midagi pistmist - küll aga võtab see suurepäraselt kokku selle tunde, mis mul seal garaazis istudes tekkis.

Tunde, et kui mul pole mitte kui midagi kaotada, sest lõpuks ei jää ka minust endast alles rohkem ega vähem, kui üks urnitäis tuhka, siis pole mul ka igapäevaselt oma elu elades tegelikult mitte kui midagi kaotada !?
Tulen ei kusagilt, lähen ei-kuhugi. Tulen tühjade pihkudega, lähen tühjade pihkudega. Et siis milleks kõik see vahepealne põdemine ???!!!
Selle nurga alt vaadates tundub kogu see elu kui üks näitemäng, kus publik saab kõike - kõhud kõveras naerda, vihast jalgu trampida ning suurest kurbusest pisaraid neelatada.
Tsirkust ja leiba, kas see siis ongi kõik, milleks tulime ???
*

Mõtlesin, et mida tema praegu, sealt "teiseltpoolt", mulle öelda tahaks.
Lisaks proovisin ette kujutada, mis tunne võib olla nendel inimestel, kes tegelikult ka teispoolsuse sõnumeid vastu võtta suudavad?
Kuna mina seda (vähemalt hetkel mitte) kohe mitte ei oska, siis ma ei tea, mis ta mulle öelda tahaks, küll aga tean seda juttu, mida ma enda peas iseendale jutustasin - andsin endale taas lubaduse, mida endale korduvalt varemgi andnud olen.
Teen endast parima, et mõista seda, milleks ma siia maamuna peale olen sündinud. Julgeda olla see, kes ma tegelikult olen ja teha asju, mis mulle tegelikult korda lähevad.
Elu on liiga lühike, et selle kõigega oodata !!! Ma ei tea, kas ainult mulle tundub, aga see on justkui osa illusioonist - fakt, et me kõik teame, et meie aeg on limiteeritud, kuid kuna see mõte on nii hoomamatu, siis on kergem seda asjaolu lihtsalt ignoreerida ja mõelda, et KÜLL JÕUAB ... kunagi .... ühel päeval ... siis, kui ...

Aga MIS SIIS, kui seda ÜHTE PÄEVA enam ei tulegi ??
*

Head teed Sulle Mamma, kus iganes Sa praeguseks ka ei ole !!! Kerget lendu Sulle - ei oskagi öelda, miks, kuid mulle tundub, et Sa lendad kusagil :)))

*
Teist korda Google pildiotsingusse "malenupp" sisestades tulid ...üllatus-üllatus ... malenupud, kuid esimene pilt tundus selle olukorra ilmestamiseks siiski oluliselt õigem, mis sest, et otsingus midagi valesti läks :) Nii et ju siis Keegi Kusagil Kõrgemal teab paremini kui mina või Google ???? Ma tean, palju küsimärke ??????? täna, kuid mis seals ikka.

Could I have it spicy please?

Kristi honey, as if you didn´t know before that never ever order a spicy food in oriental place!?
It should be kind of obvious that their normal is your spicy anyway and their spicy is WAY TOO SPICY for you.
Well, thanks for reminding me. I kind of know but yes, after today I am absolutely convinced :) I had tears in my eyes when eating my spicy vegetarian noodles today.
Even the half a litre of water which I was drinking while and after eating, didn´t seem to relieve the "fire" in my mouth. Heh, anyway, it sure was lot of fun and it was really tasty food in general ... so, I have actually no regrets for mentioning the "Could I have it spicy please!" thing :)

I am not sure if it is my notebook and the fact that I have a habit to start writing whenever I need to wait for something or maybe it is just a coincidence but the minute I take it out, people around me start behaving differently.
Maybe this a way how see things myself but I have every reason to believe that at least in today´s place they seriously thought I was some kind of journalist, writing reviews or whatever.
Well, when I think back, maybe my today´s bit weird behaviour gave them every reason to believe so.
In the beginning all this asking for spicy thing, then ordering it as a take-away because it was already more than 10pm in the evening but after going to bathroom, I went back to the girl who took my order and let her know,
"Sorry, I changed my mind - if possible, I would actually eat here. So, there is no need to pack it after all."
I am sitting behind the table, taking out my notebook and start writing down some stuff.

After what the girl behind the counter is giving me a super BIG smile which seems to brighten up the whole room - maybe because of the open notebook in front of me or maybe because she was just such a sweet person, I don´t know.
Cammoon girl, since when it is not allowed to smile without any particular reason?! ...and look who is talking about this kind of thing. Do you have any idea why you are smiling so much, do you do it in order to impress somebody? Or do you do it to get something you want? You see what I´m trying to say here, there is no reason behind most of the smiles. Many people, like yourself, just smile because they like to do so or because they just feel like smiling. As simple as.

..anyway, never mind all these kind of dialogues, there are parts of the very important "discussions" between ME and me :)
There are 2 of the staff members eating not far from my table, one of them the main cheff of the place. Both of them using shopsticks - something which I`ve always had trouble using but because this food is both - hot and HOT (in terms of spicy:) and I am able to eat only small pieces at a time anyway, I decide to give shopsticks a try.
They are kind of big and the paper bag around them says, "Harbin Beer. Welcome"
The fact that they are made of plastic, makes them really slippy and it won´t be long until one of them "flies away" - literally really :) - and lands on the floor.
Before I am able to react, without talking about picking it up, the cheff of the place is already standing next to my table and is handing me the new set of chopsticks.
I think I may look bit surprised at first because it was something which I hadn´t been expecting at all but after few seconds I get myself together and say something which all the people would in the circumstance like, "Thanks a lot!"

Once again. I am not entirely sure whether they are so nice and welcoming with everybody or does the notebook which is still on the table next to me, really hold the "Magic Key" of this kind of excellent customer service :D

When I am finally finished, being almost in tears - because of the "could I have it spicy please!" thing:) - and start putting my coat on, the girl behind the counter is literally staring at me, waiting to make a friendly, kind of "Good-Bye!" eye-contact with me and the same does the cheff behind her.
It is a nice place and they seem to be lovely people but their way of treating me as some kind of V.I.P quest, is getting bit weird and makes me feel awkward.
The minute I step out from the place and think about crossing the street, the first car stops and the driver inside shows me with the polite gesture that the road is all mine.
Wow, what a night! Only the red carpet is missing! I smile, kind of wave with my hand to thank him and keep on walking.

Only thing is that my mouth (and pretty much everything inside of me really:) is still as in fire and as I mentioned before, water doesn´t seem to be helping.
I need a bite of something really sweet. Maybe it will kind of neutralize it?
The same way how they did in India. At first it was really spicy something and later it was sooooooo very sweet piece of dessert and after that everything was back in balance again.

I stop in the random shop and buy a small pack of chewy toffee. It is few minutes after 11 pm ... there should be two last buses coming and actually one of them I can see already BUT at the same moment I see the sign "Irish Coffee 5 eur" and even though I´ve only drunk it once before, I suddenly feel that maybe this, combined with my toffee I just got, would be perfect match to "cool down" the "spicy fire" inside of me.

Strange. Not a great fan of coffee nor whiskey at all, here I am, missing one of my buses to get an Irish Coffee :)
I suppose that´s the way it starts, doesn´t it? One drink and then one more then missing the last bus and ...heh, anyway.
My notebook really deserves the title of today´s ICE-BREAKER :)
Why? Because the minute it was on the table again, the guy who had just finished performing in this pub, was suddenly standing next to me, smiling and saying "Hi" ? Yeah, or it could have easily be that he wasn´t actually smiling to me but kind of laughing at me because who is sitting in the pub at 11.30pm with a notebook while drinking Irish Coffee??
Coffee, Kristi, are you nuts - you don´t drink coffee even in the mornings, you hardly ever drink it at all and now you are having one right before midnight.

Well, yes, but guess what. This is the only reason why all those lines are getting down here right now because even though it is already 2.20 am, I am still awake and don´t even feel like sleeping at all ;)
Still, no worries, next time I will skip the midnight´s coffee, I promise.
Before I leave this pub, I stop next to a big piano to read a sign which I find really cute :)
"Please respect me.
I´m old.
Please refrain from placing drinks on top of me."

*

Bus comes straight away, is quite empty and the minute I sit, I can hear somebody calling from the back
"Miss, miss...."
I turn around and 5-6 seats behind me is the same guy who I was writing about not long ago. The drunk guy who was telling me how important it is to be who you are :)
Guess what? He is drunk again but strangely enough he recognizes me and it is so funny how he approaches me, asking politely if he can come and sit closer to me.
Once he has landed on a seat behind me, it is very weird and sweet at the same time how he is making his confession, "I have had few drinks again!"
"Yes, I can see that. How often do you drink?" I ask.

"Too often. You´re allowed to give out to me. I don´t mind," he is telling me, looking straight into my eye and it makes me feel as if I was his wife or something. I mean, why should I give out to him because he is drinking? I´ve seen him only once in my life before :)
Once again he starts talking how important is to be who you are. How important it is to have a craick, to have a great laugh with someone.
He himself thinks that he drinks so much because he is lonely. Suddenly he starts the familiar monologue again when it is only him talking, "Do I like you. Yeah, I think I like you. It actually takes a really nice person to even talk to me. It´s great. I really enjoy talk. If you would like to call me, it is alright but if you don´t, it is alright as well....it´s the worst thing to ask a woman´s phone number. It is always better to give mine. If you don´t want to use it, it is alright as well ...yes, I know, I drink too much. Do I like you? Yes, I think I like you, you´re a great girl! I know, I am honest. Maybe even too honest. But I am who I am and I love the craick."

Last time, even though I did listen to what he said, I paid no attention to his looks and therefore, when I reread the post I had written about him, I have written he was a man in his fifties, completely drunk. Today I actually looked into his face and realized he is not as old as I had thought.
He is no more than 40, maybe even less but the huge amount alcohol has obviously played its part and makes him look older than he actually his.
*
Strange, just an hour or two ago, while walking past all those pubs in the centre, instead of my regular kind of "Why is it necessary to drink so much?" I found myself wondering, "What if there was no alcohol, what would all those people, who are in pubs right now, be doing? What would they be like?"
*
Why? You were there as well? Do you think that because you were just passing the centre after a day at work and decided to just wander around a bit, makes you any different or better than rest of the people in the city centre? Or do you feel that because of instead going out for a cigarette, you are taking out your notebook, you are somehow superior over others? Or let´s put it other way around, do you think they are worth less only because they are drunk?
Do you mind me asking WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ANYBODY ELSE?
Yes, yes, I know, this inner "conversation" thing kicked in again and yeah, I know, I´m slightly losing it. It is 2:47 am.

*
By the way, it is almost the end of November and it was 14 degrees outside this evening. Nice and warm and really mild - it was wonderful to just wander around without any direction.

Still, because it was really cold yesterday, I had my coat and scarf and leg-warmerers, which were bit too much for today though :)

Despite of being packed myself, I occasionally still feel cold when looking all those girls who are walking around the city, literally half-naked with their 10cm heels. Jesus Christ ...are they really nit cold at all and how can they even walk with those kind of shoes? :)
It will be 3 am any minute now. At least next time I know that when I need to be awake longer than usually (not that I needed it today:), it is advisable to drink one Irish Coffee right before midnight ;)

Pictures are from:
i.rosaceans.com
robsworld.org
barewalls.com

The mortality rate is still 100%

And I loved deeper
And I spoke sweeter
And I gave forgiveness I'd been denyin'
And he said some day I hope you get the chance
To live like you were dyin'

He said I was finally the husband, that most the time I wasn't
And I became a friend, a friend would like to have
And all of a sudden goin' fishin, wasn't such an imposition
And I went three times that year I lost my dad
Well I finally read the good book, and I took a good long hard look
At what I'd do if I could do it all again



Why is it that I need to be reminded the fact that I won´t live forever?
Why is it that I do take my every day so for granted?
Why is it that despite throwing around the quotes like "Life is uncertain. Eat the dessert first" I am still waiting something "real" and "special" to happen some day in the future but until that day I will just hang around and do something to spend my time here on Planet Earth?
Why is it that there are still so many unsaid words which I think I will say little bit later when the time and circumstances are right?
Why is it that I need someone to die to start living myself?
*
Not wanting to sound heartless or completely out of place but it was just this week when my little brother was basically walking around with the urn which consisted the ashes of our grandmother?!
So, it really is true that we come from nothing and end up exactly the same way - being NOTHING, just fading away ... into the endless something?!
How surreal is it? I really think I much rather live in my wishy-washy dreamland where people (nor animals:) are not dying but live happily ever after.
However, I´ve never been afraid to die nor have I been afraid of the cemeteries. I remember one summer sport camp where many of us walked (aprx 2,5 km) to the beach to celebrate the last evening of the camp. In order to get there, we all went over an old cemetery and further on the road continued through the forest.
I was only 13 or 14 but obviously old enough to know what I did or didn´t like and I didn´t like what was going on over there during that night.
So, I did let some people know that I will leave and go back to the camp. Some of them laughed out loud because they never believed I would go back all alone through the forest and over the cemetery in the middle of the night.
But I did ... because of the full moon it was easy enough to see the road and I don´t remember myself being afraid at all. In fact, I think cemeteries are not scary at all - they are one of the most peaceful places I know.
It was a nice walk and at the same time it was one of the first times (out of many more to come) when I turned around and walked away from the "mainstream" :)
*
One thing is to talk about Death but another thing is to feel the meaning of it. Since I was little, I'd occasionally use my imagination and suddenly would have this FEELING of huge emptiness and the "This is it! That journey is over now" kind of thing filling my heart and my head? and it leads to realization - everything really is temporary and meant to fade away when the time comes ?!
*
The more I look at Life, the more I try my very best to understand it and to learn about it´s ways, the more I need to agree with Joni Mitchell and to admit that I REALLY DON`T KNOW LIFE AT ALL.
Still, I won´t take the honor of "finding" this song all by myself as actually it was recommended by someone who has played a great part of my this year's "adventures" :)

BOTH SIDES NOW
/---/
I've looked at love from both sides now,
From give and take, and still somehow
It's love's illusions i recall.
I really don't know love at all.

Tears and fears and feeling proud to say "i love you" right out loud,
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds, i've looked at life that way.
But now old friends are acting strange, they shake their heads, they say
I've changed.
Something's lost but something's gained in living every day.

I've looked at life from both sides now,
From win and lose, and still somehow
It's life's illusions i recall.
I really don't know life at all.



Dean Ornish, M.D. Founder and President, Preventive Medicine Research Institute; Clinical Professor of Medicine, University of California, San Francisco
has written the foreword to the Marianne Willamson´s book (yes, yes, Marianne again:) and among other things he is saying:

"Because the mechanisms that affect our health are so dynamic, when we work on a deeper level, we´re likely to feel so much better, so quickly, that it reframes the reasons for change from fear of dying to joy of living.
Fear is not a sustainable motivator. Why? It´s too scary. We all know we´re going to die one day - the mortality rate is still 100 percent, one per person - but who wants to think about it? Even people who have had heart attacks usually change for only a few weeks before they go back to their old patterns of living and eating.
With Marianne as our guide, we can go back to the root cause of our suffering: we´ve forgotten who we really are. Health comes from the root "to make whole." The word yoga derives from the Sanskrit word meaning "to yoke", to bring together. Science is helping to document the wisdom of ancient traditions.
Intimacy is healing. Trust is everything, because we can only be intimate to the degree we can make ourselves emotionally vulnerable. A fully committed relationship allows both people to feel complete trust in each other. Trust allows us to feel safe, we can open our heart to the person and be completely naked and vulnerable to him or her - physically, emotionally, and spiritually. When our heart is fully open and vulnerable, we can expect profound levels of intimacy that are healing, joyful, powerful, creative, and intensely ecstatic. We can surrender to each other out of strenght and wisdom - not out of fear, weakness, and submission.
/---/
Prayers and meditation allow us to access our inner wisdom more intentionally. Have you ever awakened in the middle of the night and figured out the answer to a problem that had been troubling you? All spiritual traditions describe a "still, small voice within" a voice that speaks very clearly but very quietly. It´s easily drowned out by the chatter and business of everyday life. For many people, the only time the mind is quiet enough to hear one´s inner voice is when waking up in the middle of the night.
As Oprah Winfrey once said, "Listen to the whisper before it becomes a scream."
/---/
On another level, spiritual practices, taken deeply enough, allow us to experience that we are part of something much larger that connects us, whatever name we give to that (even to give it a name is to limit what is a limitless experience). We are part of, not just apart from, everyone and everyhing. We are That. In this context, love is not something we get; it´s who we are.
When we can maintain that "double vision" - both the duality and the underlying unity - then we can enjoy life more fully and accomplish even more without so much suffering and stress, from a place of wholeness rather than lacking, from a feeling of interconnectedness rather than seprarateness and islolation. Our lives become manifestations of love, acts of love - the most powerful force in the universe".

Quotes of Women, Love and Life :)

Yes, yes, lot of pink and girlish things are on their way :)
Well, what can I do that I was born as a girl and found it fascinating to read the every day quotes from the "Desk Calendar for Women".
As all my notebooks come and go as they please and it is almost impossible to keep a track on them, I better get the list of my favorites down here.
Well, as there were 360 something in total, my list of favorites is not very short either.
Yeah, which means that here will be quite many of them but so what?!
... I mean, it´s not as if there was a word limit or something when blogging. So, why should I try to make it short then !?
Just, I never know when I need to get some inspiration ;) Remember, like the "good old" times, when I wasn´t using my own thoughts but was constantly referring to somebody else´s wise words.
Heh, no need to remind me that though :)

A real friend is one who walks in when rest of the world walks out
/author unknown/

To love and win is the best thing. To love and lose, is the next best
/William Makepeace Thackeray, 1811-64/

Love makes your soul crawl out from its hiding place
/Zora Neale Hurston, 1891-1960/

No matter what a woman looks like, if she´s confident, she´s sexy
/Paris Hilton, born 1981/

There is no cosmetic for beauty like happiness
/Marguerite, Counters of Blessington, 1789-1849/

Kisses are like tears, the only real ones are the ones you can´t hold back
/author unknown/

We can live without religion and meditation but we cannot survive without human affection
/Tenzin Gyatso 14th Dalai Lama, born 1935/

Being a full time mother is one of the highest salaried jobs since the payment is pure love
/Mildred B. Vermont/

A woman is as old as she looks before breakfast
/Edgar Watson Howe, 1853-1937/

Housework is what woman does that nobody notices unless she hasn´t done it
/Evan Esar, 1899-1995/

It´s possible to forgive someone a great deal if he makes you laugh
/Caroline Llewellyn/

Instead of getting hard ourselves and trying to compete, women should try to give their best qualities to men - bring them softness, teach them how to cry
/Joan Baez, born 1941/

Everyone hears what you say.
Friends listen to what you say.
Best friends listen to what you don´t say.
/Anonymous/

My most brilliant achievement was my ability to be able to persuade my wife to marry me
/Winston Churchill, 1874-1965/

Having a sister is like having a best friend you can´t get rid of. You know whatever you do, they´ll be still there
/Amy Li/

You can kid the world. But not your sister.
/Charlotte Gray, born 1948/

One of the best things about being an adult is the realization that you can share with your sister and still have plenty for yourself
/Betsy Cohen/

Elegance is a question of personality, more than one´s clothing
/Jean-Paul Caultier, born 1952/

Fashion is what you adopt when you don´t know who you are
/Quentin Crisp, 1908-99/

While clothes may not make the woman, they certainly have a strong effect on her self-confidence - which, I believe, does make the woman
/Mary Kay Ash, 1918-2001/

Grandmothers are just antique little girls
/Author unknown/

The first problem for all of us, men and women, is not to learn, but to unlearn
/Gloria Steinem, born 1934/

Women always worry about the things that men forget; men always worry about the things women remember
/Author unknown/

Women are meant to be loved, not to be understood
/Oscar Wilde, 1854-1900/

Love me when I least deserve it, because that´s when I really need it
/Author unknown/

Love does not consist in gazing at each other; but in looking outward together in the same direction.
/Antoine de Saint-Exupivy, 1900-44/

The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue
/Author unknown/

It is important from time to time to slow down, to go away by yourself, and simply BE
/Eileen Caddly, 1917-2006/

A charming woman doesn´t follow the crowd. She is herself
/Loretta Young, 1913-2000/

At the touch of love, everyone becomes a poet
/Plato/

When a child is born, so are grandmothers
/Judith Levy/

The best way to gain self-confidence is to do what you are afraid to do
/Author unknown/

Above all, remember that the most important thing you can take anywhere is not your Guzzi bag or French-cut jeans; it´s an open mind
/Gail Rubin Berny/

The expression a woman wears on her face is more important than the clothes she wears on her back
/Dale Carnegie, 1888-1955/

Whether you think you can or think you can´t - you are right
/Henry Ford, 1863-1942/

Make the most of yourself, for that is all there is of you
/Ralph Waldo Emerson, 1803-82/

Life shrinks or expands on proportion to one´s courage
/Anais Nin, 1903-77/

It´s not who you are not that holds youd back, it´s who you think you are not
/Author unknown/

You have to expect things of yourself before you can do them
/Michael Jordan, born 1963/

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us
/Ralph Waldo Emerson, 1803-82/

If we did all the things we are capable of doing, we would literally astound ourselves
/Thomas Alva Edison, 1847-1931/

When there is no enemy within, the enemies outside cannot hurt you
/African proverb/

I cook with wine; sometimes I even add it to the food
/W. C. Fields, 1880-1946/

The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother
/Author unknown/

Find out who you are and do it on purpose
/Dolly Parton, born 1946/

Life is uncertain. Eat dessert first
/Ernestine Ulmer/

It´s such a grand thing to be a mother of a mother - that´s why the world calls her grandmother
/Author unknown/

I don´t want to get to the end of my life and find that I lived just the lenght of it. I want to have lived the width of it as well
/Drane Ackerman, born 1948/

Age is something that doesn´t matter, unless you are a cheese
/Billie Burke, 1884-1970/

Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn´t
/Erica Jong, born 1942/

Never doubt that a small group of committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has
/Margaret Mead, 1901-78/

Those who don´t know how to weep with their whole heart, don´t know how to laugh, either
/Golda Meir, 1898-1978/

Don´t compromise yourself, you are all you´ve got
/Janis Joplin, 1943-70/

You must do the thing you think you cannot do
/Eleanor Roosevelt, 1884-1962/

Think wrongly, if you please, but in all cases think for yourself
/Doris Lening, born 1919/

Take your work seriously, but never yourself
/Magot Fonteyn, 1919-1991/

How wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single moment before starting to improve the world
/Anne Frank, 1929-45/

Follow your instincts. That´s where true wisdom manifests itself
/Oprah Winfrey, born 1954/

If only we´d stop trying to be happy, we´d have a pretty good time
/Edith Whaston, 1862-1937/

To live is so startling it leaves little time for anything else
/Emily Dickisnon, 1830-86/

A bird doesn´t sing because it has an answer, it sings because it has a song
/Maya Angelon, born 1928/

The only thing that makes life possible is permanent, intolerable uncertainty; not knowing what comes next
/Ursula K. Le Gevin, born 1929/

???
So, what´s next?
I have no f....ng idea :)
I wish I had
... even though I must admit that Ursula K. Le Gevin is most probably right when she says that this UNCERTAINTY is the thing what makes life possible at all !?
Time really flies - it is almost midnight - time to go to bed, time to go to bed ...heh :)

*

Actually, one more thing. When writing all those dates, you know 1879-1865 etc etc, it made me think about the saying I´ve heard many times. Well it has been a day quotes already anyway :) That in the end THE LIFE WILL BE ONLY THE CAP BETWEEN TWO NUMBERS !!!
That's all it is.

You know, all this struggle for one single short line?
At least those people have their names and some sentences in addition to this cap between two numbers.
What is the legacy I want to leave behind?
What would I like to add into the cap between the 2 numbers? :) Bit hard topic, I know but today is bit mad in general.
It started in the morning when I had the weirdest dream ever. I think I have never ever had so many characters in my dreams during one night and such a wide range topics covered.
It started with my dad and doing some business plan with him, then there were loads of people I have worked with. My dad wanted to share a small shop and to share it with 7 more partners and so were discussing products, prizes and I remember that for me this sharing thing seemed very weird and I did everything to convince him to change his mind.
Another moment I was in high-school, letting everybody know that I am leaving for good ... I was crying like crazy (in the dream I mean) and then, a minute later, it was still me but in a complete rush, running away from someone, hiding myself into the plane and locking myself into the plane for many years.
By that time I was a black woman who suddenly had 4 black babies ??? and I was doing their laundry all day long, still locked in the plane, all my life was there really...Jesus Christ, like really, it was so damn real, all of it... so much so that the first minutes after an alarm I didn´t understand a thing??
All I felt was that I was so very exhausted from this night which was full of all those more than weird dreams?
But now I really gotta go to bed ... and have some new "interesting" dreams may be? Lol

Picture is from
www.dreamstime.com

All I Ever Really Needed to Know I Learned in Kindergarden

Couple of months ago I bought a book "Chicken Soup for the Soul".

On the front cover it says "Stories that restore your faith in human nature" and even though almost each and every short story from this small book deserves to be read over and over again, here is one which didn´t move me not only when reading it but still does in daily basis. Today I felt like reading it again (needed something to cheer me up:) and therefore decided to have it here as well.
Who knows, maybe somebody who needs something to lift him/her up a bit, will happen to read it at the right moment :)
ENJOY !!!

All I Ever Really Needed to Know I Learned in Kindergarten
- by Robert Fulghum

Most of what I really need to know about how to live, and what to do, and how to be, I learned in Kindergarten. Wisdom was not at the top of the graduate school mountain, but there in the sandbox at nursery school.

These are the things I learned: Share everything. Play fair. Don't hit people. Put things back where you found them. Clean up your own mess. Don't take things that aren't yours. Say you're sorry when you hurt somebody. Wash your hands before you eat. Flush. Warm cookies and cold milk are good for you. Live a balanced life. Learn some and think some and draw and paint and sing and dance and play and work some every day.

Take a nap every afternoon. When you go out into the world, watch for traffic, hold hands, and stick together. Be aware of wonder. Remember the little seed in the plastic cup. The roots go down and the plant goes up and nobody really knows how or why, but we are all like that.

Goldfish and hamsters and white mice and even the little seed in the plastic cup - they all die. So do we.

And then remember the book about Dick and Jane and the first word you learned, the biggest word of all: LOOK . Everything you need to know is in there somewhere. The Golden Rule and love and basic sanitation, ecology and politics and sane living.

Think of what a better world it would be if we all - the whole world - had cookies and milk about 3 o'clock every afternoon and then lay down with our blankets for a nap. Or if we had a basic policy in our nation and other nations to always put things back where we found them and clean up our own messes. And it is still true, no matter how old you are, when you go out into the world, it is best to hold hands and stick together.

"You think I´m mad, don´t you?" - NO, not really :)

Dublin Airport.
I´m sitting and waiting for the plane to land and looking the people around me. Most of them so very happy while impatiently walking back and forward ...
It is funny to see all the different ways how people celebrate their "get together" moments. There are some of them literally running into their loved ones, hugging and kissing and openly expressing their feelings while others are obviously everything else but comfortable while doing so.
There are shy hand-shakes, there are hugs shared for the sake of hugging, there are timid "How have you been doing?" kind of things, there are pretty much all sorts of ways how to express various feelings.
A man with bunch of flowers is nervously checking his mobile after each minute or so. Another man standing next to him seems to be extremely satisfied with himself. Well, why shouldn´t he, because while he has both of his hands in pockets, there is a woman, literally leaning on him, both arms tightly around his waist. I can´t help myself thinking: "If the man would leave, this woman would fall over!"
It is Thursday, the 27th of November.
For me the word "airport" represents many things, including speed, success, excitement, variety etc. Still, today here is something shaking my belief-system because suddenly I see a familiar figure walking around in the waiting area.
While airport is full of people with suitcases, this "suitcase" is completely different kind and easy to notice and this figure I´ve seen too many times not to recognize it.
It is the bum from Malahide. I mean, obviously I have no idea where he comes from but Malahide is the place I´ve seen him walking around and waiting for the bus. The same way how airport is the place you wouldn´t expect to run into a homeless guy, it is not a common picture in Malahide either.
Therefore his relatively short figure, hunched posture, brownish clothes and his special "suitcase" are something I remember clearly enough.
It was approximately 2 months ago when we were both waiting in the bus stop. Well, of course there were some other people as well but as usually in these kind of cases, there is one weird looking bum and then there is a big distance between him and the rest of the people.
This time was no exception and of course, I, like all the others, was standing on the other side.
When I entered the bus, because the bus was quite full, funnily enough I decided to sit downstairs. Why funnily enough? Because this is something I never do!
Like really, unless some special occasions when I have a suitcase or I am not entirely sure where I need to go or I have just jumped on a bus to get few stops further ...but other than that I am ALWAYS sitting on the second floor, no exceptions !!!

But there I was, sitting on the first one and a last person who came to the bus was the man I have been talking about for a while now and he sat down to the place only 2 seats from me.
After 10 seconds I already started to regret my decision to sit where I had (in whatever reason?) sat. The smell coming from him was so strong and disgusting that it made me feel dizzy. For me it was another day after work, I was bit hungry and tired and wanted to get home fast, wishing I lived closer to Malahide. And then I was looking at him ...he was trying to get some sleep, obviously having no home to go to whatsoever ?!
... something inside of me cracked and suddenly I felt so ashamed of my thoughts about "too long traveling" and of my behaviour when I had tried to cover my face with the scarf that I wouldn´t have to breathe in the strong smell which was coming from his unwashed body and clothes?
And then there were all those other people...in the middle of their evening. Texting with their friends, listening to music, a couple cuddling on the back seat, some teenagers going crazy etc. "Why is it necessary to have such a big contrasts in life? How do we attract our life situations? What has he done to deserve this kind of life? How could we help him? Maybe he even doesn´t mind this kind of life? He sure seems very centered and peaceful? He actually seems to pay no attention whatsoever what is going on around him?" were only few of many questions rushing through my mind while I was sitting there, staring his back and weird looking hood which covered his head.
I felt I should do something and once again, even though I am ashamed to admit it but most probably, if there were no other people on the bus, I would have gone to him and offer him at least some food from my bag but I felt it might seem strange because I had no idea how he would react?
Even though I am sure I was much more afraid of the way how other people around would have been reacting or what they might have thought of me ?! ... and therefore I did nothing.

It is bit similar to the situation at schools when there are always some students who are being bullied and even though there are others who actually find it unfair and who would feel like doing something, they never will because it is so much safer to stay into their own comfort zone. Otherwise, who knows, maybe by helping the fellow student, they can get themselves into trouble.
But isn´t this what life is actually about? Reaching out from our own comfort zone? Reaching out to other people, being there and helping each other, doesn´t matter if we know them or not? And of course, reaching out daily from the our own routine to be there for ourselves when we need it the most. I mean, if I am not willing to commit to love and support myself, no matter what, who else would?
*
Look at me, here I am, talking about all those things but in that moment all I decided to do was to wait. To wait and to see what is going to happen and part of me was so much waiting that he will stay on the bus until the last stop. Doesn´t matter that just few minutes ago I had covered my nose that his dreadful smell wouldn´t make me feel dizzy and really wished that he´d get off from this bus as soon as possible.
..."Your Wish is My Command"...is the classic fairytale sentence from Alladin and my wish that he would get off as soon as possible became true. He stood up and walked out from that bus in Swords. There was fresh air coming from the windows when the bus continued its route and after several minutes it was no evidence of this man being on that bus at all.
*
BUT here he is again, in the Dublin Airport. Obviously capsuled into his own mind and world, paying no attention to this helter skelter which is going on around him. I am looking with the same feeling as I had on a bus "I should do something!"
"Yeah, like what?" I can hear a voice in my head replying "Like meeting your friends in the airport and introducing them your new buddy. The same way how the guy in the "Pay it Forward" movie?"
So, once again I just sit back and watch and wait what happens next? He is slowly walking across the floor, clarly heading towards the toilets. He carefully places his "suitcase" next to the toilet and disappears from my sight.
I just keep looking at his bags which are somehow tied together and connected with a weird looking frame which has wheels "It is probably all his life in these bags? I wonder how he got to this point? How it may feel if I had no place to go to?" etc etc.
After 10-15 minutes is the last time when I am curiously looking into the direction where he left his things and they are still there "It must feel pretty good to use such nice toilets and warm water. I´m sure there must be options for people like him to get some help. If he needs or wants to be helped of course?"
With the question "Hi there, sorry ...do you know if these are the only gates for arrival flights?" it´s time for me to get back from that bum-related day-dreaming.
"In this terminal yes, even though there is the number 2 terminal as well. Which flight are you waiting for?"
- "The Lisbon one"
"It´s Ryanair´s flight, isn´t it?"
- "Yes"
"Then no worries, you are waiting in the right place" is my last reply to her while already rushing to hug the people I had been waiting for last half an hour...
*
In the evening of the same day, after the basketball training, on my way home by bus, sitting in the very back of the 2nd floor I am staring out from the window, noticing few bright signs which catch my eye.
"LET GO OF EVERYTHING WHICH HOLDS YOU BACK" and few minutes later there is another one which seems to be part of the protest they have in Temple Bar "ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. TEAR DOWN THE WALL"

Bus is almost empty, so, it is really peaceful until there is a man in his fifties, completley drunk, coming to my direction.
"You gotta be kidding me. I´ve already had so many strange encounters during this week. Don´t you think it is already enough?" are the only thoughts I am able to think before he chooses to sit right next to me.
By that time I have reached to my notebook to mark down few of my thoughts and the messages of those signs.
"You think I´m mad, don´t you?" is his first sentence when he is approaching me. "I could be drinking until the morning, I could do that but I don´t want to!" he continues without waiting for my answer.
Now, instead of the signs I' ve started to write down his statements because even though it seems like lot of information, he is talking slowly enough and pays no attention what I am doing but is rather in kind of a trans or something like that!?
Even though not the great fan of alcohol because I´ve seen way too much damage it can cause, I have some weird but deep respect towards drunk people.
Just, the thing is that part of me believes the theory that they are so much closer to God than rest of us as the decent amount of alcohol has helped them to quiet their mind and to get rid of the "mask" they are wearing when being sober...and helped them to get in touch with their Higher Self or something like that.
"The reason I want to go home is that ... I am who I am..... It is not about getting another drink .... it is about being who you are!"
His very strong Irish accent and the fact that he is more than just a little bit drunk, makes it very hard for me to understand what exactly he is saying but I really do my very best to pay attention.
In a way he seems to be talking not with me but with himself. But because he is sitting side to side with me and looking into my direction, gives me a reason to believe he is talking to me.
"Real .... not real.... it is what you believe as a person. Real people love real people...I find that lots of people have this day in, day out ..it´s silly! You think I´m mad, don´t you?" and suddenly he stops, is looking at me, waiting for an answer.
"No, not really. Go on!" is all what comes out from my mouth.
"People try to make the situation ...can you understand....it is probably hard. It doesn´t happen only with Irish people, it happens with every one. Someone else´s way of thinking, the whole world is gonna end up anyway from life.
Fight, there is no fight....it is really sad. We are who we are. We did what we did in Ireland. We love people, lot of foreigners. Many of them think we are not alright with them but they are hanging around among themselves, many of them are very wrong towards Irish people. They can´t understand ....the correct ... they can even be bitch. They don´t go with the flow. The greatest thing about being an Irish is that we love the crack....sometimes we are not the greatest guys either.
Life is about living in the real world. It´s good to have a big crack. People don´t understand what life is all about. It´s about being yourself. ...and you need to understand what other people are about. Once you know who you really are, you understand others as well and you understand the situations...even if somebody dies in your family... I know, you think I am mad, don´t you?"
I look at him, smile and repeat the sentence I had used few minutes earlier "No, not really" but this time I will also add "Actually I think you are absolutely right but do you know where do you need to get off?"
And the man who seemed to be so very drunk only 10-15 minutes ago that I wasn´t even entirely sure if he was talking to himself or with me, is like a new person.
"Yes, I have 3 more stops to go, I know exactly where I am going!" he says.
"Alright, it is good then," is my next comment and my tone of voice is softening as if I was a talking to a child.
"What´s you name?" he is asking as if we had just met a second ago and is reaching out his hand to shake mine to say hello.
I am giving him my hand "I´m Kristi" . So, we shake hands like old buddies and I have a feeling as if I had just met 2 different people. One who got on in Temple Bar and another who "appeared" few minutes ago right before Phisboro.
"It was nice to meet you Christina, my name is ..." he is saying when already walking towards the stairs to start getting off the bus.
I never catch his name but when I look at him walking away from me, one step after another, moving not straight at all, the last thing I say to him is "Safe home!" - by the way, I really mean it and gone he is, into the night of Dublin.
*
If I want it or not, I need to admit that I do suspect that the Marianne Williamson´s book which is based on a "A Course of Miracles" is playing a big part in this "something" which continues to turn everything upside down. Including the way I see myself, others and things around me?

...most of the time in the best possible way even though occasionally making me anxious?
Also, I am so aware that actually I really need to stop labeling everything. I mean, it is completely obvious that the good is not good and bad is not always bad, what we label as "good" one day, may easily turn into "bad" another and vice versa.
So, there´s no point really to waste my time nor energy for all those judgments which I am so generously throwing into my right and left. Not out loud but only in my mind even though there´s no big difference really, the idea and intention is still the same.

*
ME, the super chatty and bubbly person, who finds it easy to start talking with pretty much anybody. ME, who can move from one place or country into another without any problems, because I truly think that the world is full of friends who we just haven´t met yet.
This ME has now been forced to face the fact that beneath the surface there is a big part of me which has locked itself in order to protect me from the Real world and from the Real feelings. Being sociable and chatty doesn´t mean anything.
Of course, in certain circumstances it is wonderful and works as a great advantage but it doesn´t necessarily mean the same as being open to people and to the world deep in my heart.
I am slowly starting to feel how much I have been isolating myself emotionally...building walls between myself and other people, between myself and the world around me.
I haven´t really even participated in the life I´ve been living. Just saw the movie another day with all the views over the New York City. I was watching it and thinking to myself "I can´t really recall almost anything from my time over there as a real life experience of mine?" And the same goes to pretty much about any country or city I´ve been or anything I´ve been involved with - either for longer or shorter period of time.
I have been too occupied with all the "monkeys" in my mind, making up story-lines, their own theories, building up "protective" walls that I would be able to continue living according to my belief-system (which has never served me very well to be honest:), to see world and life and people from the perspective of mine. So much so that I´ve missed out so many places and people on my way because even though my physical body has been there, in way too many cases, my real self, the ME, the I part, haven´t....not sure if it makes any sense though :)

" Someone somewhere didn´t listen to your heart, and as a consequence you stopped listening to it, too."
- M. Williamson-

Still, I suppose there is a right time and place for everything and I will probably never get tired of the saying "When the Student is ready, the Teacher arrives" and Oooooo My, I´ve been fortunate to have many teachers along the way.
From this year, there´s one particular encounter which has helped me to want to reach over this "wall". Thanks to this person and to the fact that I have been allowing myself (after a very long time) to feel whatever I really felt deep inside, I´ve been able to connect with my own heart again and for that I am so deeply grateful!
Yes, through this "opening up" process I´ve been kind a throwing myself out there, making myself much more vulnerable than I normally would ever be but I am alright...or at least will be soon enough :)
Despite of all this emotional roller-coaster which have been going on within me, I do consider myself a Lucky One because I definitely am so much more alive and alert.
Also, it seems to be so true that once I open my heart to one person, the door of my heart is open to others as well.
Therefore I´m glad that I´ve been "put into" the position where I feel the need and also the ability to start getting rid of this emotional wall which has been surrounding me already way too long.
*
....but you know ... when to believe that there are always "signs" everywhere and God (or Life or Higher Power or however I call it or Him:) is actually "talking" to each one of us through those signs, then all I should do is just to pay attention and then surrender ...as simple as that.
Even though the tricky part is that my mind is able to "pay attention" whatever it chooses. Lol.

There was a scene in the movie I was watching this morning
"But I miss him"
"So, allow yourself to miss him ....send him love and light each and every time you think about him and then drop it!"

Even though from the other point of view, it was only yesterday when one of my friend had written - in completely different context though - but it was impossible for me not to notice his comment
"When you can't remember some things, it means that maybe they don't matter anymore; but when you can't forget things... maybe they do"

*
"People come into our life for a Reason
for a Season
or for a Lifetime"

The last one is the message written on the information board in our house because it seems to be true :) The only problem is that it is impossible to say in advance which people "came" just for a Season and which ones for the Lifetime. Lol.
*
Heh, suppose there really are no neutral thoughts and there really is no reality - all there is, is the meaning I am giving to the circumstances around me in the certain point of time and place!
From one side, it can make me really upset because when understanding the power of my own mind and thoughts and how I am creating my own life-experiences in daily basis, I feel how much I have misused and keep misusing all of it.
However, from the other side I feel really excited and anxious to find out how all of it could work when there won´t be only climpses of clarity as so far but when I am at peace with myself most of the time - taking myself as I am and everything around me as it is, with all its ups and downs, without making such a great deal out of it ...you know, as some kind of drama queen or something. Lol.
I know, it may seem that I keep referring to Marianne Williamson as if she was my guru or something but at the moment she really is my greatest teacher and it is easy for me to relate with the things she has written. Not only because they make so much sense but feel so damn right and consciously applying those principles seems to make a huge difference for me.

*
"Learning to live with the common disappointments and failures of the human experience - particularly with how the fear-mind interprets them - is part of your spiritual mastery. Mastery doesn´t mean you get to the point where nothing goes wrong; it means you get to the point where you can endure and transform what´s wrong.
Mastery means you rise up more often than you sink in life; not because in you there is no undertow, but because you´ve learned to swim well. You´re spiritually strong and in shape.
Master is not superhuman, but deeply human; embracing rather than resisting the realization that on certain days you´ll feel like master of nothing and slave to lots of things."
*
Me and my perfectionism keeps pushing me into the edge - so much so that it is very hard, almost impossible, to accept myself with all my weaknesses when at the same time I am aware that I know so much better.
So, as a result I tend to very hard with myself....much harder than I would be with any of my loved ones?! And occasionally I find it very difficult to forgive myself for not knowing any better already before.
It is as if I refused to believe that it really takes some rain as well to see the rainbow - the sunshine itself is nice but not enough.
So, yes, surprise surprise, it takes both - the Rain and the Sunshine - to experience the Life´s Rainbows :)
*
"All of us are made of love, yet all of us make mistakes. As you reach across the wall of separateness - and there is no wall thicker than the wall of judgement - then the wall comes down. That is the miracle of forgiveness."
*
Also, for me, it is much of a control and the belief issue. Even though doing my best to believe, I really think I am not actually believing and trusting the Divine, not believing in God as such and therefore still kind of feeling that I need to get all those things "sorted by myself", at the same time knowing and feeling with every cell of my body that I am just not able.
*
"If you feel you must control everything by yourself - if you don´t feel you can ask for God´s help with the details - then no wonder you feel absolutely overwhelmed. You can´t exactly hold up the stars in the sky, but obviously someone does. So couldn´t that someone hold and harmonize the circumstances of your life?"

Floods

21:42
83 bus, on my way home
Weather is dreadful, it´s been raining really bad all day long and there are floods everywhere in the city.
Have never seen Liffey so high ?? and trains have been stopped and in some streets there are cars almost under the water? Didn´t see them myself but the guy from 102 bus told me :)
And the first guy from the same bus told me about the trains that they can´t get through because it´s way too much water ?
So yeah, city is in chaos but fingers crossed that I´d make it home alright.
*
There is a really good song coming from radio, through my headphones... so good that I really feel like dancing, honestly ! Lol... I felt like dancing already before while standing in the bus stop. There was some music coming out from the shop :)
Yet, I had such a strange "up and down" day in general.
*
Today I realized that the worse I feel, the more I need to love and pamper myself. The healthier I need to eat and the more I need to take care of myself and the more I need to do things which I really like doing.
I mean...when I feel like crap and even though in addition to everything there is also a terrible rain outside, skipping my walk on the seaside (something which always cheers me up:) is the last thing I can afford to do.
Therefore, today, I took one of the big umbrella from the corner and went out, straight into the pouring rain. Me and the BIG colorful umbrella.
Next to the harbour, there was one more man walking and he gave me and my BIG umbrella a BIG smile and I answered in the same "language" Lol.
It is kind of sweet how extreme situations connect strangers much more than average circumstances ever would ?
I mean, the same thing happened in the evening when I decided not to take the umbrella because my bus was suppose to come any minute and I do have a very short walk and usually I don´t like carrying umbrella ... just don´t because I find it annoying to drag it along to the bus.
But the minute I had stepped out from the Railway house, it was as if somebody poured the water down from heaven.
Isn´t it funny, the rain in general I mean?
....well, I do know the things which we study at school how it all happens but when I was just standing there, looking into the sky and there is all this water coming down.
It makes me feel amazed ! The same way how it was amazing another day when I was walking and looking over the sea and very close to me there was a full-size and full-color :) RAINBOW - even though the sky was absolutely clear and there were even hardly any clouds whatsoever!?

Back when I was just standing, looking at this rainbow, and thinking to myself the same way as today: "Where do you come from and how do you get here?"
Anyway, I probably should stop this rain-rainbow thing now because I feel I´m loooooosing it :)
Why did I start to talk about it at first place? Aaa, I remember now, how the extreme situations connect people.
So, there I was, soaking wet, waiting to cross the road when one guy with a black umbrella, whose face I hardly I saw, was coming into my direction and joking: "Do you want to buy an umbrella, only 50 euro :)?"
"No thanks, I actually have an umbrella but I didn´t take it on purpose!" I replied, being almost soaking wet by the time.
"Yes, why to take an umbrella when it is raining like hell!" he was joking and asked
"Do you know is there any 42 bus coming soon because the trains are stopped for today?"
"Yes, there will be one within next 5 minutes" I told him before I crossed the road and after that I kind of lost him.
Because of the floods, the bus was running late and let´s say that it was more than once when I was thinking to myself: "Shit, shit, shit, why I was such an idiot and didn´t take this umbrella with me?"
Especially when my kind of waterproof (at least that´s what I thought until today:) coat started to let the rain through and there was some water dripping down along my spine??!!
"Damn, where was my common sense??? F...ck, where is this bus anyway??? Ooo, wait, here it comes. No, it is 102 ... why is it always like that when I need 102 , there are loads of 42-s coming and today, when I need to go through the centre, the 102 comes? Ooo my, I really should have taken this umbrella because this thing is not even remotely funny any more!!!"

Now, when I am typing all those lines, it is still the same evening and I am again on a bus, this time on 83.
It is already 10:24 pm and it will take another at least 10 minutes before I´ll get home. Yes, I know, I left the workplace more than 2 hours ago and should have been home long time ago but the city is in chaos today, it really is and I am fortunate to be able to get home at all.

I´m really glad I decided to take my laptop with me this morning. It has kept me busy and I have had even no time to notice that getting anywhere takes soooooo much longer than it usually would.
Well, actually I did notice that from the corner of the O´Connolly bridge to the Four Court, it took 20 minutes??
...only bad thing about using it here in the bus is that the same way as I very often can´t read on buses, especially if the bus is going through those small streets where are lot of ramps, because it makes me feel sick...it has made me feel sick by now.
So, long story short: I am hungry, I am cold because half of my clothes are wet, I am tired and I feel like throwing up.
How good is that for Monday evening at 22:29pm?
I think it`s a lovely way to start a new week, isn´t it? :)
Well, actually, it is not so bad at all because I had lot of fun before on 102 bus. Remember, I have started to talk twice about the fact how extreme ...ooooo my, it is my stop soon....can´t believe it ... I completely lost myself into this writing thing.

Alright, I gotta get back to this connecting thing later in the evening or some other day ....will close it for now.

11:47 pm
Had a lovely dinner, nice hot shower and am a completely new creation by now - even though still the tired one who is ready to go to sleep soon :)
So, this will be brief conclusion to sup up the topic I meant to talk about earlier, the third time during last couple of hours when I am trying to start the topic "Dreadful weather made strangers smiling to each other!" :)
*
There I was, finally the 102 bus came.
I was sitting on my regular seat - the first one on the second floor - I feel really annoyed when it is taken..lol.. only joking even though I really like this seat the best:).
Very carefully I tried to take off my coat because it was soaking wet and I didn´t want more water to get under my shirt because I think it was enough of it already there anyway.
There was a guy who came and sat to another front seat next to me and started to clean the window there. He used his umbrella to do that.
His really demonstrative and energetic moves were hard not to notice and all the situation made me laugh.
He looked at me and told: "You are the "without the umbrella" girl! You see how useful one umbrella can be, you could even use it to clean the window ;) Do you want to borrow my umbrella to clean your window as well?" he was asking me.
"No thank you!" I told him but couldn´t help laughing again because the way he was and the way he talked was genuinely funny, in the best possible way.
It is impossible to even describe, without trying to write precisely, what our dialogue for approximately next 30 minutes was all about ... all I can say was that I haven´t laughed so much for a while.
It took forever to get from Malahide to Coolock (he got off there) because the flooding had made some parts of the road difficult to get through but it sure was the fastest half an hour on a bus for me.
Most of the time I was just listening to him and sat there with surprise. I remember myself even asking from him: "Who are you anyway, some kind of comedian or something?" because it sure looked as if he had practised this kind of fluent funny conversation very often :)
It was great to follow his thoughts and we had a wonderful, even kind of theatrical, chat between us.
He is from Australia himself, he referred to Arvo Pärt as somebody he knows :D !?! and he sure knows how to make people laugh. I really think that the few rows of people behind us were laughing with me even though I never looked back to check if they did :)

Still, something in his being made be bit cautious ...why? Because he sure was kind of guy who fathers have in their mind when they are warning their daughters to watch out :)

Another thing floating in my mind at this very moment was something like
"Look at you girl, here you are, being such a sparkling and a wonderful person to be around and talk with, feeling so good and comfortable ... and there you were couple of days ago in a situation which was something you'd been looking forward for a while ...and what did you do?
Being completely out of place, not feeling as yourself at all ... no idea how to sit or what to talk about...being concerned if you are any good at all?
Kind of ironic, isn't it ?"
*
Heh, anyway, it is gone by now and there is no way to turn back time and do it all over again.
So, I better breathe in and out and let it go...
If it´s something which is meant to be, I might get another chance to BE more ME next time.
If not, then I suppose I need to accept the fact that all this story has been just one lesson (kind of important one though:) in my student book called "Life".
*
Still, it is weird how it is so much easier and more natural to talk with a complete stranger with who I have just met because there are no expectations nor emotions involved - no fears, no hopes, no anything.
*
After Coolock when I had just lost my conversation partner who had made me laugh for almost half an hour, there was another young man sitting into his place.
This guy was completely wet - well, like all of us on that bus really :) but by completely wet I mean that he had literally been on a water or something ... Lol. I mean it.
... and once again, the extreme situations really make it easier for people to connect to each other because after one minute when he was taking his shoes off to pour the water out he was smiling and telling that this is not a normal rain today.
He told me that his street was so flooded that the cars were under water and he had to walk on a water which came up to his knees to get to the bus stop.
I felt ashamed for being complained about the little bit of water which was coming through my coat earlier !? and the soaking wet got a new meaning because this guy really was SOAKING WET and while I was on my way to home, dreaming about warm shower and dry clothes and fireplace, he was on his way to work. Poor man, I really felt sorry for him.

And when I got home and we were checking the situation online, there were news how some people are being evacuated because their homes are under the water ? At it made me think that the situation of this guy wasn´t so bad after all. Everything is so relative and depends completely what we compare it with.
***
Thank You for getting me home safe and Thank You for keeping me in a good company along the journey :) !
Morning will show how the city looks tomorrow.

Williamsville

Ja nüüd Sa siis ütled mulle...

6 aastat tagasi, kui ma ülikooli viimasel kursusel Tartu Lutsu raamatukogust võetud Kiyosaki "Rikas isa, vaene isa" ühe ööga läbi lugesin ning peale seda lisaks networki plaate kuulama hakkasin, käis mu sees mingi plõks. See laks oli nii korralik, et sealt saadud "kahjustused" püsivad siiani.

Mu perekonna kõrval on just Robert Kiyosaki see tegelane, kes mu mõttemaailma ja seega ka eluteed kõige rohkem mõjutanud !?
Kirjutasin ju viimasel semestril isegi essee teemal "Rahanduslik intelligentsus - kas vaid rikaste privileeg?" mis oli inspireeritud tollest ühe ööga läbi loetud raamatust.

Ei tea, mis tunne on välguga pihta saada, kuid usun, et see oli sarnane tunne, mis mind sel korral valdas. Oli tunne, et silmad kinni kompamise asemel olin nad lõpuks lahti teinud. Kõlab nagu oleksin mingi saja aastane, kes seletab, kuidas ta oli terve mingi asja nimel tööd rabanud ning nüüd lõpuks sai aru, et ajab tegelikult illusiooni taga ... vaatamata sellele, et aastaid oli mul 5 korda vähem, oli see kahtlemata sama suur AHHAAA - moment. Kogu see rahakontseptsioon, nelja kvadrandi jutt ning aktiivse ja passiivse tulu teenimise eripärad.

Sealt alates olen - kohati endale aru andmata - otsinud, proovinud, leidnud, komistanud, kukkunud, alla andnud, uuesti alustanud, unistusi kirja pannud, unistuste raamatuid põletanud, uskunud, lootnud, kahetsenud, lugenud, lugemist vihanud, kirjutanud, kirjutamist vihanud...nii dramaatiline see nüüd ka pole olnud, kuid päris künklik ning hüplev küll :)

Vahepeal on olnud palju erinevaid etappe, kuid kokkuvõttes võib neid vist lahterdada kaheks vastandlikuks perioodiks. Esimene neist väga eesmärgistatud, sihipärane äritegevus, uskudes, et vastu pidades ja natukene veel pingutades on kõik võimalik.
Teine on olnud pigem spirituaalne teekond, mille jooksul on tulnud arusaamine, et õnn ja rahulolu ei ole võrdelises ega ka mitte pöördvõrdelises seoses materiaalse heaoluga. Kogu see Universumi ja loodusseaduste uurimine ja nende "toetuse" otsimine. Tunne, et suuremas plaanis justkui polegi millelgi tähtsust. Kõige vähem on mõtet midagi ainult raha pärast teha!
Usun, et mulle on tundunud, et tuleks valida, kuna üks mingis mõttes välistab teise. Ma olen kas ärinaine või Naine, kes järgib oma südame häält ja teeb seda, mis tundub hea ja õige.

*
Nüüd olen peale paljusid teisi autoreid ringiga taas Kiyosaki juurde tagasi jõudnud ning siin on mõned lõigud raamatust

"Rikas vend, rikas õde"
HARIDUSEST
Pärast EST seminaridel osalemist oli avastanud, et traditsioonilisest haridusest enam huvitavad mind isiklikud arendamisprogrammid. Mulle meeldis kursustel, kus sain arendada oma mõistust ja vaimu, selle asemel, et võistelda kursusekaaslastega hinnete pärast. Suured osa nädalavahetustest veetsin mitmesugustel teemadel korraldatud seminaridel. Ma osalesin aju kui terviku tundmaõppimise, tantristliku seksi, taassüüni neurolingivistilise programmeerimise (NLP) ja surmajärgse regressiooni seminaridel ning käisin koguni surnutega suhtlemise seminaridel.


Keegi ei astunud minuga ühendusse, isegi ema mitte. Paljudel neil kursustel tundsin, et meie hingel olevat elu ülesanne, midagi kõrgemat kui töötajana või valitsuse sõdurina teenimine., Võimalus, et minu elul on kõrgem eesmärk, köitis mind.
Mis rahandusse puutub, siis osalesin investeerimise ja ärioskuste arendamise kursustel, seda mitte hinnete pärast, vaid et saada edukamaks investeerijaks ning ettevõtjaks.


PÜHENDUMISEST, OTSUSEKINDLUSEST JA DISTSIPLIINIST

Kogu oma tarkusest ja headest kavatsusest hoolimata olin ma 1981. aastaks pankrotis ja lahutatud. Ma olin esimese äri üles ehitanud ja selle kaotanud: ma olin abiellunud ja naisest lahku läinud.


Olin maitsenud esialgset edu, rajanud oma firma, mis leiutas ja tõi turule lainelaudurite Velcro takjakinnisega nailonist rahataskud. See äri sulandus firmaga, mis valmistas rokkansamblite tarbeks mitmesuguseid esemeid. Umbes aastaga sain miljonäriks. Ning ma armusin vaimustavasse naisesse ja abiellusin temaga.

Ent ma lasksin rikkusel, edul, lõbuhimul ja armastusel endale pähe lüüa. Muutusin ninakaks ja kõrgiks, ostsin kiireid autosid ja hakkasin oma naist petma. Minu iseloomu tugevad omadused taandusid iseloomuvaegusteks ja enesehävitamiseks. Selle asemel, et pidada lubadust ning enda kallal vaeva näha, võttis isekus minus võimust.

Kurb oli see, et ma teadsin sõnade väge ning antud sõna pidamise tähtsust; olin seda ikka ja jälle kuulnud paljudel seminaridel, millest olin aastate jooksul osa võtnud, samuti lapsena pühapäevakoolis.

"Ja Sõna sai lihaks" Nimetasin ennast äpuks ja selleks ma sain. Selge arusaamisega, et vajan muutust - ning et selle teokstegemiseks on mul abi vaja -, läksin otsima uut õpetajat ja uusi vastuseid.

Selsamal 1981. aastal tutvusin dr R. Buckminister Fulleriga ja asusin tema juures õppima.
Minu vaese ja rikka isa järel oli dr Fuller minu elu kolmas suurem mõjutaja. Inimesed on nimetanud teda kahekümnenda sajandi üheks originaalsemaks mõistuseks. Ta oli futurist, kirjanik, leidur ja filosoof. Paljud tema ennustused on meie päevil teoks saanud. Dr Fulleril oli ka sõnadest oma arvamus.
Ta ütles, et sõnad kuuluvad kõige mõjukamate inimeste loodud tööriistade hulka.

USUHÜPPED
Usuhüpe osutab, et sa pole leidnud kõiki vastuseid, ning mõni inimene kardab seda. Veelgi heidutatavamad on inimesed, kes arvavad, nagu oleksid neil tõepoolest kõik vastused olemas. Ehhki ma soovisin midagi enamat kui kellegi teise arvamusi, andis põhitõuke nädalapikkune seminar, mida juhatas Bucky Fuller. Dr Fuller avaldas, et 1927. aastal oli ta alustanud projekti "Katsejänes B", mis tähendas "Katsejänes Buckyt".
Ta pidas ennast ja oma elu suureks eksperimendiks. Ning kolmekümne kahe aastaselt, pennita taskus, abielu ja väikese tütre isa, asus ta jumala olemasolu kinnitama või ümber lükkama. Lõpuks ometi kuulsin ma midagi uut ja huvitavat! Vestluses, mis pidi olema pühendatud äritegevuse tulevikule, rääkis ta jumala olemasolu tõestusest. Kuulasin teda tähelepanelikult.

Seminari jätkudes selgitas dr Fuller, et ta olevat olnud kunagi väiksemat sorti kinnisvaraarendaja, kes kaotas kõik. Ta oli mõistnud, et tal puudusid edukaks ärimeheks saamise eeldused. Sõbrad tuletasid talle meelde, et tal on naine ja lapsed, ning soovitasid ta tööle hakata. End iga kord, kui ta mingisse ametisse asus, vähendasid raha ja kindlustunne tema õppimisvõimet ning meelteteravust. Ta sai aru, et raha ja kindlustunne tuhmistavad mõistust. Niisiis loobus ta turvalisest tööst, hüppas sügavad kohas ette ning kas uppus või ujus välja.

Ta ütles, et oli päästevahenditeta või finantstoetuseta tegutsedes iga kord targemaks saanud. Kuuldu köitis mind erakordselt.
Samuti esitas ta idee, et elu tuleb pühendada kaasinimestele suurimate hüvede loomisele. See sundis mind aru pidama. Nii et jutt polnudki sellest, mismoodi ise rikkaks saada? Nüüd rääkis ta samamoodi nagu minu vaene isa. Erienvus oli ainult selles, et mu isa soovis kindlat tööd, aga dr Fuller mitte. Tema oli valmis hüppama. Minu mõistuses arenes konflikt - Fulleri ideed võitlesid minu kahe isa ideeded ja uskumustega. End ma olin lummatud ja soovisin innukalt rohkem kuulata.

Seminaril sain Fulleri raamatu "Critical Path" eksemplari. Järgnev lõik pärineb sellest.

"Ma eeldasin, et kui jätkan "hindab" loodus minu tööd. Kui ma teen seda, mida loodus soovib, ja kui ma teen seda loodusseadustega lubatud paljutõotaval viisil, siis leian, et mu töö on majanduslikult tulus ja vice verca, negatiivse tulemuse korral pean senisest tegevusest kiiresti loobuma ja otsima loogilisi alternatiivvõimalusi, kuni leian uue suuna, mille loodus on füüsilise toetusega oluliseks tunnistanud ja heaks kiitnud."

*

Selles lõigus peitus jumala olemasolu kinnituse või ümberlükkamise võti. Ma sain aru, et kui teeme seda, mida jumal soovib - lahendame mõne probleemi, mida jumal tahab lahendada -, siis saame raha või toetatakse meie elu muul viisil. Kui raha ei ilmu, siis tähendab, et pean kiiresti kurssi muutma või nälga surema.

See idee oli erutav ja kontrollitav. See tähendas usuhüpet ja jumala usaldamist. Ühtaegu tähendas see, et ma kasutasin oma intuitsiooni, tegemaks seda, mnida jumal soovib teoks teha, mitte seda, mida mina ise tahtsin teha.


Nii palju siis ideest, et teed seda, mis sulle meeldib.


Justkui oleks sellest ideest veel vähe olnud, raputas dr Fuller mind südamepõhjani, öeldes, et suurem osa äritegevusest toodab seda, mida ta nimetas "obnoxio", vastikuks. Nõnda iseloomustas ta saadusi, mis ei loonud paremat maailma. Obnooxio firmade ainus eesmärk oli rahategemine. Tänapäeval nimetatakse niisuguseid tooteid bling-iks, kassikullaäriks. Oma südames teadsin, et minu roki-äri oli klassikaline obnoxio-firma, ehkki püüdsin seda päevi ja nädalaid eitada, arutades ratsionaalselt, kuidas nailonkotid ja rokkansamblite siiditrükis logoga kübarad maailmale väärtust lisavad.

Asjadel, mille valmistamisele ma oma elu raiskasin, polnud efekti ollagi. Ma tegin raha, kuid ei midagi head. See arusaamine häiris sügavalt ning tunnistas kogu minu äri aluse, minu töö ja minu kui ettevõtja väärtuse kokkuvarisemist.

See õõnestas peaaegu iga minu uskumust.
Minust sai teistsugune inimene, mind muutis igaveseks teadmine, et olen küll rahaasjus edukas, kuid sellest hoolimata maailmale sama hästi kui kasutu.

Tänu dr Fullerile mõistan nüüd, et meie elu kujundavad kaks finantsseisundit. Üks on isiklik finantsseisund, mis osutab meile, kuidas rahaasjad edenevad. Ja teine - meie sotsiaalne raamatupidamine - mõõdab, kui palju head oleme maailmale teinud. Bucky nimetas seda "kosmiliseks raamatupidamiseks". Mina olin esimese järgi finantsseisundi põhjal rikas, aga teise järgi pankrotis.

***

Et siis sellised lõigud sealt raamatust. Praegu mõistan, et tol korral, kui "Rikas isa, vaene isa" raamatut lugesin, võtsin Kiyosaki õpetust väga sõna-sõnalt, teadmata neid aspekte tema enda loo taga.
Mitte et see halb oleks olnud, lihtsalt väga must-valge, muud ei midagi :)

Samas, paaril korral tekkis siiski tunne "Ja nüüd Sa siis ütled mulle ???" samas, mis ma ikka sellest teemast edasi-tagasi keerutan, et miks ma seda varem ei teadnud, kuna see raamat ilmus alles 2009, samal ajal kui minu Kiyosaki õppetunnid algasid 2005.