Sunday, March 20, 2011

Me, real me ?!

Who am i and what do i want (to do) ?
These 2 questions seem to be haunting me for happily forever after and no doubt, there are moments when i feel being kind of sick and tired of them :)
I mean, so often i find myself in a conclusion that probably it would be easier to consider myself as a victim of some kind of circumstances. As somebody who has to do something. Somebody, living in a belief that other people or life itself have already made all decisions for me, that i just have no free choice.
My thing is exactly the opposite. I know i have the choice...well, not that i would be something special, everybody has this choice but most people are just too occupied with their current lives to see or to feel it :)
I am so aware that every single morning when i open my eyes, i´m in a new T-junction and i can choose the direction to go and even though i´ve had plenty moments of clarity, it is so hard to decide which is the right direction to me?
It´s a wrong way of asking it anyway. Maybe i should just ask life what does it want me to do?
Why am i here after all? Any specific purpose?

Read a really good book recently "When you are falling, dive". The author of the book who was traveling around, searching himself and his answers for 10 years, referred to the quotation: "The man who goes to the opposite direction, is always said to be run away" as a sufficient excuse which he used to kind of justify his way of living. I read those lines and felt relief. Doesn´t matter that in the end of the book he kind of discovers little different philosophies:)

I mean, it looks that me as well am going to the opposite direction and i have tried of figure out - has it been a run away or have i just been listening to my inner guidance and giving a life and myself a chance.
All those things have felt right in the beginning and then i´ve completely dived into this. This is the word one friend of me used quite recently. In her opinion "my thing" might be that the minute i discover something for me, i kind of DIVE into it, give everything, do it so passionately and after a while, it starts to cool down...
She thinks that if i would just do not so much and kind of be there only a little, give myself only a piece, it would last longer or something like that. In my own opinion, in a way i suppose she is right.
Still, when i look at my own life and yes, it´s been quite a long row of different things going on in various places with different people but most importantly - so many roles i´ve been playing - but i feel that all those experiences have been so worth it.

Well, ofcourse, sometimes i feel myself like a total failure because there still isn´t a place where i have felt like settling or the person who to settle with. There isn´t even an occupation or passion towards something i really would like to do ??!!
I mean ... it always depends from the perspective i want to look at the situation. If i start comparing myself to others, which i fortunately don´t do very often, it looks like a disaster.
All those continious engagement-wedding-baby announcements and photos. There are moments when i feel i´m missing out something, that maybe the time will run out for me?
But on the other hand, when i skip the comparison part, i feel satisfied with my complete freedom and having a baby is something i can not even imagine at this moment and time.
I suppose the main reason is that i still feel myself like a little baby. Taking my first steps in this world. I don´t even know how to handle my own crisis, without talking about somebody else´s. Selfish? Yes, probabaly i am but aren´t we all?
Every day i discover new things about myself and to be honest here, actually, i´m just getting to know my real self. It is even unbelievable how many layers i´ve kind of "added" to myself in order to "fit" in.
I mean - the things i do, the ways i behave, things i appreciate.

I´ve tried so hard to behave normal ... well, like everybody do. Go to places because it suppose to be fun accoring to some standards. Drink some drinks because it is what everybody do.
Smile when all i actually thought is how to get out from that place.
The minute i let go all those fake expressions. Trying to be someone else, more cool, more humorous in order to impress somebody...the minute i let it all go and just be who i truly am, i actually give, unconsciously, others the "permisson" to do the same and it´s a good feeling :)

A while ago i had a funny insident with one taxi driver who obviously wanted to see me again and the dialogue looked like that:
- So, what do you think. Could we go out and have a drink some night?
* I usually don´t go out and i don´t drink
- Alright, maybe we can just have a coffe one day then?

* Sorry, i don´t drink coffee either
- Ooooh, what do you do then, sit home and watch tv?
* Not really, we don´t have tv at home

...well, this dialogue had some more lines and yes, ofcourse, it would have been slightly different if i would have been interested seeing him again but this is not the point why i am telling this story here.
The point is that i was completely me and even though it was obvious that these were not the answers he expected, his facial expressions and body language showed that the more ME i was when our conversation continued, the more interested he became !?
There is no need to pretend to be somebody who i am not. Or pretend to do something which i usually wouldn´t. Ofcourse there is always the possibility that he was just curious to find out what other weird things i do / don´t do but that´s not the issue.
Anyway, don´t even know why i felt like writing about all those things. Probably because that despite of the expectations which i occasionally come across, i actually feel i am right on track. Which kind of track, i am not sure yet though :) ?!!
Saw the movie "Eat. Pray. Love" and now reading the book - by the way, book is at least 10 times better than a movie but anyway... all this story.
It gives some hope and confidence that my traveling around and looking for myself, my passion, my true purpose, are not so crazy attempt after all :D and there are actually more and more people who do so and it is perfectly normal and acceptable way of life:)

Still, it may look stupid and even ridiculous how i wander around the world trying to... I mean, look at me ... let´s take the last year for example.
It started in US where i was as an au-pair, February i spent in Morocco, March-June i was a teacher in Estonia. Summer months i was a housewife in our contry house, September i was helping to renovate the house in Dublin, Oct i started my direct marketing job in Ireland which i did almost 4 months.
Is it normal and stabile life? But i suppose that´s the thing? I don´t want to have normal and stabile life, at least not now. Well, it may be that the reason is really simple and obvious - i just haven´t found this somebody or something which would give me reason to settle down or it might be bit more complicated - i just am not that type a person who would ???
Because to be honest once again, i actually can´t see something wrong of trying as many different things and places and occupations as possible, to see and to experience in order to find out if it`s something for me or not. How else should i find out?
Besides, i believe that everything happens for a reason and each situation is the perfect stepping stone for the next step in life - just, the thing is that very often we don´t see it yet :)
And this blind belief, that the next step is always there...this belief is something which i need to have to be brave enough to move forward.

Universe has taken a really good care of me - always. I mean, i´ve always had a wonderful learning curves and challenges.
The minute i´ve had ideas of leaving from another place, everything "have been arranged" in the way what pleases everybody. All my "moving on" moments have been smooth and natural and we departure as friends. THANK YOU for that.
So, yes, here i am. In the age of 27 ... when i was 20, i was so damn sure that by 25 i have my life "in place": proper home, a man next to me and the first child but now i can not see myself as a mom at all, at least not yet :)
Still, i do wish best of luck to all the moms around me because i still think - like i´ve always thought - that raising a child, is definately one of the most important "job" a woman can ever have.
Our last couchsurfer Olivia wrote me a quote "By the time you know what to do, you are too old to do it" Well, thanks Olivia, it helps a lot :)
I don´t know what to do yet but i already occasionally think i am too old to do it :D no, actually ...i freaked out the moment i became 27 two months ago but now i´m alright again.
I´m ready to be patient with myself.
Too many times i´ve rushed and ended up nowhere, so, it would be nice to believe that now i´m old enough to show at least some patience towards myself.
Two kind of important concepts from last week. I seriously consider giving up drinking for good. Not that i´ve ever been much of a drinker :)
Just, even this little has always been rather some kind of idea in my head than actually something i´ve enjoyed, so, why bother at all? I might as well skip those few drinks, it wouldn´t make almost any difference?
Second one is about praying. Even though never religious, i´ve always believed in something. Last year had several occasions when this topic arose.
In Spain there was one random guy who asked "Who do you talk to then?" and my honest and innocent answer was: "Nobody".
Moroccon girls who pray 5 times a day were concerned about the same thing couple of months later: "What do you do with all those negative feelings and where do you get courage and belief if you don´t pray?"
Considering all those questions and the fact that while living in US i actually started to go to church almost every week. Not because i had to or i planned to but because when i passed whatever church (this is the good thing about being not religious - it really doesn´t matter which church to go to :) i just felt like stepping in and so i did.
Even though i am a true believer that "this thing" is everywhere and there is actually no need to go some particular place whatsoever.
Now, after watching the movie and while reading the book "Eat. Pray Love" i actually feel comfortable to pray. Don´t do it every day and i do not always even kneel or anything because i think it´s ok to pray in whatever way i´m comfortable.
So, yes, i just believe there´s nothing wrong of asking some support, courage and guidance from "someone" or "something".
In general, it is weird how long has it taken (and will probably take:) to become someone who i was born at first place.
So, no, i am never bored. The process of "Getting to know the real ME" is constant and interesting. Like Kalle was reading yesterday from his notes: "Be yourself because everybody else is already taken".
Funnily enough, the minute i am connected with myself, i almost immediately start to attract other like-minded people into my life. People who come into our life for a Reason, a Season or a Lifetime :)


Anonymous said...

ma arvan, et see tekst oleks mul huvitav lugeda aga ei saa aru krt sa kirjutad ju inglis keeles. äkki teed tõlke minu meilile või kirjutad lühema versiooni oleks väga väga huvitav seda lugeda. laura

Kadri said...

Inimesed kohtuvad üksteisega selleks, et teineteiselt midagi õppida. Kui nad oma õppetunni kätte saanud, siis nad lahkuvad. Ja nendelt,kes su kõrval aastaid, on järelikult väga palju õppida.