Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Full circle moments

Half a year ago I was thinking and writing about Life as a spiral. That after a certain period of time there´s always a feeling that "Jesus Christ, back in the same place again, how is it possible?" and it really is the same place, bit different level though:)

Now, despite of the fact that I still believe into the "spiral theory" - I´ve always been an expert of theories:D - I´ve also started to feel more and more FULL CIRCLE moments. These are the moments when circle is so completely full and finished that there is a confusion whether to cheer from joy or cry from despair.

Sometimes it looks and feels like a disease. Seriously?! I mean, is it possible that this is my way of life? Everything always temporary, nothing permanent. Did I just say "permanent" ...not sure if this is a normal reaction - what the hell is normal anyway, right? - but for me this word is equal to the expression "KEEP AWAY, DANGER !" :D I´m doing bits and pieces of various things. Little bit of everything BUT nothing fully. *

And now, surprise, surprise, I´ve got a feeling that I´m in the middle of another FULL CIRCLE moment. Yes, I know, they´ve been quite a frequent visitors recently but what can I do. Lie to myself, change myself, force myself to do something I feel like not doing anymore?
Besides, what is wrong of going to different places and trying out various things?

Kristi honey, do you know that during the last 3 and a half years you´ve been in more than 10 countries, living in 4 of them and you`ve had approximately 7 different jobs? Well, some of them I can hardly even call jobs but more like the temporary - yes, even more temporary than my usual temporary :D - sources of income. * Don´t you think it´s bit too extreme already? Honestly? No... not really. I don´t even think any more that I owe an explanation to someone for the decision to live my life this way. * Still, actually there is a person I felt I need to explain a way I see things. I sent a letter few days ago. Yes like a real letter in an envelope, to my grandmother because I understand that it must be hard for her to see me kind of "losing my track", giving up my "proper" and well-paid jobs to do something random, not being in a relationship and not even having my own home. Aren´t those the main qualities which every person should accomplish in life? At least according to some strandards :)
My father, even though he is used with me and my theories:), told me few days ago that I should stop thinking and start living. Yes, I get him BUT ...:) Actually, I think I´m already living. On my own special way, like all of us :)

Love the thought which Liva sent me recently: " ... not sure what I m doing, but I know that if God would not wish me to do it - I wouldn`t do it!" *

Only thing I´ve ever actually remember myself wanting to do "permanently" is writing and now, after reading Gilbert´s "Eat, Pray, Love" I´ve only one question in my mind: "Why haven´t I already written a book as well?"

I mean, I perfectly get that this is not me being so special but something is going on in general and there are more and more people who find themselves in Indian asrhams, in the middle of chanting and sitting for hours, trying to learn to quiet their mind while finding it to be one of the hardest thing to do on this planet Earth. People who feel that the "traditional" way is not their way, that it just doesn´t feel rigth etc. etc


Call it crazy but for me, it makes so much more sense than the "normal", whatever we would consider "normal" to be :)

* So, instead of trying to figure out the ways how to "fit myself into the normal world" because very often I feel I´m not able to relate any of it, I should celebrate the fact that despite my young age - yes, there still are moments when I consider 27 relatively young - I´ve already been fortunate to see and experience the things which I have.

* Would, should, could ...what a lovely nice expressions...heh, funny ! Never happy, never satisfied, what the f..ck is your problem girl!?

By now, you should (yes, should again:) know that happiness doesn´t come from outside. It is not a result of something: relationship, money, new clothes. It isn´t something which is hidden into other countries. I mean, you do know all that stuff by now, don´t you? It is within you, it starts and ends within you. Yes BUT ...but what? Maybe it is meant to be that happiness is never complete. That after every moment when I have felt "I got it!" something changes which forces me to grow and learn again. Love the comparison with plants - we, like them, need shit to grow and from this perspective, there are no mistakes, there are only lessons which I have needed to learn. And the situations will repeat themselves (yes, very often over and over again:) until I get it. *

And when I listen a song from Monty Python: "You come from nothing. You go back to nothing. What you´ve lost? Nothing..." everything I was just writing about, seems completely irrelevant:)

I come from nothing, I go back to nothing. What have I lost? Nothing ... and after a minute or so, my little BIG thoughts are important and relevant again :D Ooo my, Life is really a interesting piece of Art.


Kadri said...

hei Kristi, sattusin üle pika-pika aja su blogi sirvima ja tundsin mõnes mõttes ennast ära. See mis tulema peab, see tuleb nii või teisiti. Jookse nii kiiresti kui tahad, see õige saab su ikka kätte. Ma ei räägi siin mingitest meestest :D:D vaid, minust sai siis lõpuks kunstitudeng. Ma arvasin koguaeg, et ma olen NII ANDETU. No ma tegelikult arvan siia maani, aga enam see mind nii väga ei häiri :D Ei häiri enam paljud asjad. Kui su tegemised sind ennast ei häiri, siis on kõik ok. Edu sulle, Kadri .
PS! see mis elu ise sulle pakub, tuleb vastu võtta.

Kadri said...