Don't care

I don't care if you like me or not,
because it's better to be hated
for who you are
than loved for who you're not !!!

That's the way how one of my couchsurfing friend describes himself :))) and this is the way how I feel about me at the moment :D
Don't care if you like me or not - I just need the freedom to be who I am - still searching and finding but so what ... I keep telling myself that it's just part of my developing process and most of the time believe my story :D

Crazy idea

Yesterday, just like that, got the crazy idea which felt so right straight from the beginning... made some phone calls already in the evening, some more today - we will see what will happen next !!?? Inshallahhhhh :)))

Yes, I´ve been disappeared for a while.
No, haven´t stopped writing - just use my notebook again - quite a lot actually.
Yes, all this school stuff takes so much more time & energy than I expected.
Yes, there are quite many mornings when I´ve woken up at 5 in order to get everything done.
Yes, some of my things are still unpacked, even though have been home almost 2 months.
Yes, my room is total mess - have no motivation to organise it.
Yes, my life is even bigger mess - no idea how to organise it :)))
Yes, our house in general is a great place to live in.
Yes, love the sauna and those big rooms where we have enough space for ourselves and our visitors.
Yes, those 7 weeks back in Est0nia have changed me so much - inside and out !!!
Yes, sometimes regret my decision to come back but it is already done, so ...
Yes, living back home is little bit more difficult than I could have imagined.
Yes, we still get along just fine - we are just too independent and too strong personalities to share the same house and energy field every day :D
Yes, Im not the happiest person in the world at the moment.
Yes, I´ve done lot of thinking recently and try to change it - not that thinking would help:D
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No, I´m not sure what will come out of this but I will find out pretty soon, won´t I ?
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Any other questions why I haven´t been writing my blog at all?
Or what have happened recently? :)))

Peale surutud

Kiirus
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peale surutud
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müra
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peale surutud
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vale
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peale surutud
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vägivald
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peale surutud
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mulle mu enese poolt
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aita mind lootus mu sees
*
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A poem from one picture at school. Wanted to ask the girl who is the author, where did she get it, but forgot. I had passed this picture several times when one day I stopped and read those lines with some kind of weird recognition inside of me !!! I wonder why :D
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Morning sunrise, driving way too fast for those roads, sunglasses, tears in my eyes behind those dark glasses, radio playing really loud "winner takes it all..."

good-bad-happy-sad.
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Today made up my mind at least in one area of my live - should have done it already a while ago. Doesn't feel good at all but hopefully will get better soon. Only some more areas to go :)))
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after that "accidentally" found one comment from my blog which refers into another webpage
Also found Liva's quote which I wrote down few years ago while living in England.

"There is no place better. It is better if you are better"

so... so what? No idea, but so what :))

One of my closest friends called me after very long time. Her honest opinion is that I'll get the hell out from this country again as soon as I can because Estonia, especially Lihula, is way too small for me and my "Nirvana" search :)))
Well, yeah, what can I say. My first thought - what will happen if this "Nirvana" doesn't exist after all?

On the river

Small boat with engine ... in the middle of wild nature, birds and animals ... beautiful :))) River so-so much wider than normally.
Sometimes need to hold my head down to protect myself from branches.
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Walked back almost 1 hour through forest with wet feet because of the hole in my boots.
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Uuesauna was on my way home and stepped in - nobody there, saw sign instead "Läksin metsa". No pen, no paper to leave a note, so, took some wierd grass kind of thing and made a heart into the door to let him know that someone has been there.
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Feel unfocused and distracted in so many ways - totally understand the students who are saying that they don´t want to go to school anymore, because it is so nice outside ... so often feel the same.
The only difference is that I will not get a bad mark if my homework is not done :D Well, to be honest, it is never completely undone, but very often feel that it could have been made so much better.

Health is wealth

Went Pärnu to bring my second grandmother back from hospital.
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Blue hospital slippers on top of my boots.
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1 crutch in my hand and also her jacket.
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There she is, lying there, feeling both - happy and sad
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I look around: patients in all kind of different situations.
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"Look, mom, this is your hand, you need to love this hand that it would work again! Say to your hand that you love it!" says one older lady to her mother who seems to even understand a little bit, but is not able to talk back to her. Still makes some kind of noise to show that she tries to answer.
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Nurses and doctors busy in every corner.
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X-ray for my health whatever paper took 2 minutes.
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Walking out from hospital, my granny leaning on me ... she is 77 ... taking small baby steps at a time, because of the gyps which she has.
"Life is strange" I find myself wondering, "it really is true that most of us start and end it in the same way - being almost completely helpless".
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Not sure who has said it, but one sentence which I heard a while ago came into my mind "Life is just a small cap between 2 numbers"
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After today
so happy that Im able to breath, understand and walk without problems.
*
No doubt that health is the biggest wealth in this world.
Yeahhhh, so, what the f..ck am I complaining and whining about :)))

Slowly, slowly

... but Im getting better, much better. Thank you Kadi for today's "counceling" through Skype - really appreciate those 2 hours of chatting and laughing like crazy.
It doesn't matter the country or continent, we all are much closer to each other than we realize, right?! About all those ideas and thoughts, well, let's say that Im more than sure that Universe will co-operate gladly:)))
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Mom has been home for few days, love it ... we all made fire together today. When I look at her, there is no doubt where my "fire burning" genes come from :D
Had extremely different weekend. Lot of people here: grandmother, aunt, Lembit and one surprise quest - Andres from Argentina.
This is amazing Couchsurfing which is bringing the world into our home. It is my/our pleasure to just pay it forward which I have experienced through this opportunity while traveling by myself.
It is even hard to imagine how could someone walk like Andres has - almost 6 months and 1300 km, sleeping mainly in his tent, especially during this winter like we had this year - unbelievable, it really is !
Total respect and have a nice walk to Kaliningrad.
*
Yesterday, when all the guests were gone, we just slept and kind of hibernated almost all day.
In the evening we had a family visit into Meigo's place. Group hug in the dark front-yard in the middle of the forest at 22:00, everyone wearing long rubber boots because mud and water everywhere - well, otherwise we are pretty average and normal family :D

Decide