All I Ever Really Needed to Know I Learned in Kindergarden

Couple of months ago I bought a book "Chicken Soup for the Soul".

On the front cover it says "Stories that restore your faith in human nature" and even though almost each and every short story from this small book deserves to be read over and over again, here is one which didn´t move me not only when reading it but still does in daily basis. Today I felt like reading it again (needed something to cheer me up:) and therefore decided to have it here as well.
Who knows, maybe somebody who needs something to lift him/her up a bit, will happen to read it at the right moment :)
ENJOY !!!

All I Ever Really Needed to Know I Learned in Kindergarten
- by Robert Fulghum

Most of what I really need to know about how to live, and what to do, and how to be, I learned in Kindergarten. Wisdom was not at the top of the graduate school mountain, but there in the sandbox at nursery school.

These are the things I learned: Share everything. Play fair. Don't hit people. Put things back where you found them. Clean up your own mess. Don't take things that aren't yours. Say you're sorry when you hurt somebody. Wash your hands before you eat. Flush. Warm cookies and cold milk are good for you. Live a balanced life. Learn some and think some and draw and paint and sing and dance and play and work some every day.

Take a nap every afternoon. When you go out into the world, watch for traffic, hold hands, and stick together. Be aware of wonder. Remember the little seed in the plastic cup. The roots go down and the plant goes up and nobody really knows how or why, but we are all like that.

Goldfish and hamsters and white mice and even the little seed in the plastic cup - they all die. So do we.

And then remember the book about Dick and Jane and the first word you learned, the biggest word of all: LOOK . Everything you need to know is in there somewhere. The Golden Rule and love and basic sanitation, ecology and politics and sane living.

Think of what a better world it would be if we all - the whole world - had cookies and milk about 3 o'clock every afternoon and then lay down with our blankets for a nap. Or if we had a basic policy in our nation and other nations to always put things back where we found them and clean up our own messes. And it is still true, no matter how old you are, when you go out into the world, it is best to hold hands and stick together.

"You think I´m mad, don´t you?" - NO, not really :)

Dublin Airport.
I´m sitting and waiting for the plane to land and looking the people around me. Most of them so very happy while impatiently walking back and forward ...
It is funny to see all the different ways how people celebrate their "get together" moments. There are some of them literally running into their loved ones, hugging and kissing and openly expressing their feelings while others are obviously everything else but comfortable while doing so.
There are shy hand-shakes, there are hugs shared for the sake of hugging, there are timid "How have you been doing?" kind of things, there are pretty much all sorts of ways how to express various feelings.
A man with bunch of flowers is nervously checking his mobile after each minute or so. Another man standing next to him seems to be extremely satisfied with himself. Well, why shouldn´t he, because while he has both of his hands in pockets, there is a woman, literally leaning on him, both arms tightly around his waist. I can´t help myself thinking: "If the man would leave, this woman would fall over!"
It is Thursday, the 27th of November.
For me the word "airport" represents many things, including speed, success, excitement, variety etc. Still, today here is something shaking my belief-system because suddenly I see a familiar figure walking around in the waiting area.
While airport is full of people with suitcases, this "suitcase" is completely different kind and easy to notice and this figure I´ve seen too many times not to recognize it.
It is the bum from Malahide. I mean, obviously I have no idea where he comes from but Malahide is the place I´ve seen him walking around and waiting for the bus. The same way how airport is the place you wouldn´t expect to run into a homeless guy, it is not a common picture in Malahide either.
Therefore his relatively short figure, hunched posture, brownish clothes and his special "suitcase" are something I remember clearly enough.
It was approximately 2 months ago when we were both waiting in the bus stop. Well, of course there were some other people as well but as usually in these kind of cases, there is one weird looking bum and then there is a big distance between him and the rest of the people.
This time was no exception and of course, I, like all the others, was standing on the other side.
When I entered the bus, because the bus was quite full, funnily enough I decided to sit downstairs. Why funnily enough? Because this is something I never do!
Like really, unless some special occasions when I have a suitcase or I am not entirely sure where I need to go or I have just jumped on a bus to get few stops further ...but other than that I am ALWAYS sitting on the second floor, no exceptions !!!

But there I was, sitting on the first one and a last person who came to the bus was the man I have been talking about for a while now and he sat down to the place only 2 seats from me.
After 10 seconds I already started to regret my decision to sit where I had (in whatever reason?) sat. The smell coming from him was so strong and disgusting that it made me feel dizzy. For me it was another day after work, I was bit hungry and tired and wanted to get home fast, wishing I lived closer to Malahide. And then I was looking at him ...he was trying to get some sleep, obviously having no home to go to whatsoever ?!
... something inside of me cracked and suddenly I felt so ashamed of my thoughts about "too long traveling" and of my behaviour when I had tried to cover my face with the scarf that I wouldn´t have to breathe in the strong smell which was coming from his unwashed body and clothes?
And then there were all those other people...in the middle of their evening. Texting with their friends, listening to music, a couple cuddling on the back seat, some teenagers going crazy etc. "Why is it necessary to have such a big contrasts in life? How do we attract our life situations? What has he done to deserve this kind of life? How could we help him? Maybe he even doesn´t mind this kind of life? He sure seems very centered and peaceful? He actually seems to pay no attention whatsoever what is going on around him?" were only few of many questions rushing through my mind while I was sitting there, staring his back and weird looking hood which covered his head.
I felt I should do something and once again, even though I am ashamed to admit it but most probably, if there were no other people on the bus, I would have gone to him and offer him at least some food from my bag but I felt it might seem strange because I had no idea how he would react?
Even though I am sure I was much more afraid of the way how other people around would have been reacting or what they might have thought of me ?! ... and therefore I did nothing.

It is bit similar to the situation at schools when there are always some students who are being bullied and even though there are others who actually find it unfair and who would feel like doing something, they never will because it is so much safer to stay into their own comfort zone. Otherwise, who knows, maybe by helping the fellow student, they can get themselves into trouble.
But isn´t this what life is actually about? Reaching out from our own comfort zone? Reaching out to other people, being there and helping each other, doesn´t matter if we know them or not? And of course, reaching out daily from the our own routine to be there for ourselves when we need it the most. I mean, if I am not willing to commit to love and support myself, no matter what, who else would?
*
Look at me, here I am, talking about all those things but in that moment all I decided to do was to wait. To wait and to see what is going to happen and part of me was so much waiting that he will stay on the bus until the last stop. Doesn´t matter that just few minutes ago I had covered my nose that his dreadful smell wouldn´t make me feel dizzy and really wished that he´d get off from this bus as soon as possible.
..."Your Wish is My Command"...is the classic fairytale sentence from Alladin and my wish that he would get off as soon as possible became true. He stood up and walked out from that bus in Swords. There was fresh air coming from the windows when the bus continued its route and after several minutes it was no evidence of this man being on that bus at all.
*
BUT here he is again, in the Dublin Airport. Obviously capsuled into his own mind and world, paying no attention to this helter skelter which is going on around him. I am looking with the same feeling as I had on a bus "I should do something!"
"Yeah, like what?" I can hear a voice in my head replying "Like meeting your friends in the airport and introducing them your new buddy. The same way how the guy in the "Pay it Forward" movie?"
So, once again I just sit back and watch and wait what happens next? He is slowly walking across the floor, clarly heading towards the toilets. He carefully places his "suitcase" next to the toilet and disappears from my sight.
I just keep looking at his bags which are somehow tied together and connected with a weird looking frame which has wheels "It is probably all his life in these bags? I wonder how he got to this point? How it may feel if I had no place to go to?" etc etc.
After 10-15 minutes is the last time when I am curiously looking into the direction where he left his things and they are still there "It must feel pretty good to use such nice toilets and warm water. I´m sure there must be options for people like him to get some help. If he needs or wants to be helped of course?"
With the question "Hi there, sorry ...do you know if these are the only gates for arrival flights?" it´s time for me to get back from that bum-related day-dreaming.
"In this terminal yes, even though there is the number 2 terminal as well. Which flight are you waiting for?"
- "The Lisbon one"
"It´s Ryanair´s flight, isn´t it?"
- "Yes"
"Then no worries, you are waiting in the right place" is my last reply to her while already rushing to hug the people I had been waiting for last half an hour...
*
In the evening of the same day, after the basketball training, on my way home by bus, sitting in the very back of the 2nd floor I am staring out from the window, noticing few bright signs which catch my eye.
"LET GO OF EVERYTHING WHICH HOLDS YOU BACK" and few minutes later there is another one which seems to be part of the protest they have in Temple Bar "ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. TEAR DOWN THE WALL"

Bus is almost empty, so, it is really peaceful until there is a man in his fifties, completley drunk, coming to my direction.
"You gotta be kidding me. I´ve already had so many strange encounters during this week. Don´t you think it is already enough?" are the only thoughts I am able to think before he chooses to sit right next to me.
By that time I have reached to my notebook to mark down few of my thoughts and the messages of those signs.
"You think I´m mad, don´t you?" is his first sentence when he is approaching me. "I could be drinking until the morning, I could do that but I don´t want to!" he continues without waiting for my answer.
Now, instead of the signs I' ve started to write down his statements because even though it seems like lot of information, he is talking slowly enough and pays no attention what I am doing but is rather in kind of a trans or something like that!?
Even though not the great fan of alcohol because I´ve seen way too much damage it can cause, I have some weird but deep respect towards drunk people.
Just, the thing is that part of me believes the theory that they are so much closer to God than rest of us as the decent amount of alcohol has helped them to quiet their mind and to get rid of the "mask" they are wearing when being sober...and helped them to get in touch with their Higher Self or something like that.
"The reason I want to go home is that ... I am who I am..... It is not about getting another drink .... it is about being who you are!"
His very strong Irish accent and the fact that he is more than just a little bit drunk, makes it very hard for me to understand what exactly he is saying but I really do my very best to pay attention.
In a way he seems to be talking not with me but with himself. But because he is sitting side to side with me and looking into my direction, gives me a reason to believe he is talking to me.
"Real .... not real.... it is what you believe as a person. Real people love real people...I find that lots of people have this day in, day out ..it´s silly! You think I´m mad, don´t you?" and suddenly he stops, is looking at me, waiting for an answer.
"No, not really. Go on!" is all what comes out from my mouth.
"People try to make the situation ...can you understand....it is probably hard. It doesn´t happen only with Irish people, it happens with every one. Someone else´s way of thinking, the whole world is gonna end up anyway from life.
Fight, there is no fight....it is really sad. We are who we are. We did what we did in Ireland. We love people, lot of foreigners. Many of them think we are not alright with them but they are hanging around among themselves, many of them are very wrong towards Irish people. They can´t understand ....the correct ... they can even be bitch. They don´t go with the flow. The greatest thing about being an Irish is that we love the crack....sometimes we are not the greatest guys either.
Life is about living in the real world. It´s good to have a big crack. People don´t understand what life is all about. It´s about being yourself. ...and you need to understand what other people are about. Once you know who you really are, you understand others as well and you understand the situations...even if somebody dies in your family... I know, you think I am mad, don´t you?"
I look at him, smile and repeat the sentence I had used few minutes earlier "No, not really" but this time I will also add "Actually I think you are absolutely right but do you know where do you need to get off?"
And the man who seemed to be so very drunk only 10-15 minutes ago that I wasn´t even entirely sure if he was talking to himself or with me, is like a new person.
"Yes, I have 3 more stops to go, I know exactly where I am going!" he says.
"Alright, it is good then," is my next comment and my tone of voice is softening as if I was a talking to a child.
"What´s you name?" he is asking as if we had just met a second ago and is reaching out his hand to shake mine to say hello.
I am giving him my hand "I´m Kristi" . So, we shake hands like old buddies and I have a feeling as if I had just met 2 different people. One who got on in Temple Bar and another who "appeared" few minutes ago right before Phisboro.
"It was nice to meet you Christina, my name is ..." he is saying when already walking towards the stairs to start getting off the bus.
I never catch his name but when I look at him walking away from me, one step after another, moving not straight at all, the last thing I say to him is "Safe home!" - by the way, I really mean it and gone he is, into the night of Dublin.
*
If I want it or not, I need to admit that I do suspect that the Marianne Williamson´s book which is based on a "A Course of Miracles" is playing a big part in this "something" which continues to turn everything upside down. Including the way I see myself, others and things around me?

...most of the time in the best possible way even though occasionally making me anxious?
Also, I am so aware that actually I really need to stop labeling everything. I mean, it is completely obvious that the good is not good and bad is not always bad, what we label as "good" one day, may easily turn into "bad" another and vice versa.
So, there´s no point really to waste my time nor energy for all those judgments which I am so generously throwing into my right and left. Not out loud but only in my mind even though there´s no big difference really, the idea and intention is still the same.

*
ME, the super chatty and bubbly person, who finds it easy to start talking with pretty much anybody. ME, who can move from one place or country into another without any problems, because I truly think that the world is full of friends who we just haven´t met yet.
This ME has now been forced to face the fact that beneath the surface there is a big part of me which has locked itself in order to protect me from the Real world and from the Real feelings. Being sociable and chatty doesn´t mean anything.
Of course, in certain circumstances it is wonderful and works as a great advantage but it doesn´t necessarily mean the same as being open to people and to the world deep in my heart.
I am slowly starting to feel how much I have been isolating myself emotionally...building walls between myself and other people, between myself and the world around me.
I haven´t really even participated in the life I´ve been living. Just saw the movie another day with all the views over the New York City. I was watching it and thinking to myself "I can´t really recall almost anything from my time over there as a real life experience of mine?" And the same goes to pretty much about any country or city I´ve been or anything I´ve been involved with - either for longer or shorter period of time.
I have been too occupied with all the "monkeys" in my mind, making up story-lines, their own theories, building up "protective" walls that I would be able to continue living according to my belief-system (which has never served me very well to be honest:), to see world and life and people from the perspective of mine. So much so that I´ve missed out so many places and people on my way because even though my physical body has been there, in way too many cases, my real self, the ME, the I part, haven´t....not sure if it makes any sense though :)

" Someone somewhere didn´t listen to your heart, and as a consequence you stopped listening to it, too."
- M. Williamson-

Still, I suppose there is a right time and place for everything and I will probably never get tired of the saying "When the Student is ready, the Teacher arrives" and Oooooo My, I´ve been fortunate to have many teachers along the way.
From this year, there´s one particular encounter which has helped me to want to reach over this "wall". Thanks to this person and to the fact that I have been allowing myself (after a very long time) to feel whatever I really felt deep inside, I´ve been able to connect with my own heart again and for that I am so deeply grateful!
Yes, through this "opening up" process I´ve been kind a throwing myself out there, making myself much more vulnerable than I normally would ever be but I am alright...or at least will be soon enough :)
Despite of all this emotional roller-coaster which have been going on within me, I do consider myself a Lucky One because I definitely am so much more alive and alert.
Also, it seems to be so true that once I open my heart to one person, the door of my heart is open to others as well.
Therefore I´m glad that I´ve been "put into" the position where I feel the need and also the ability to start getting rid of this emotional wall which has been surrounding me already way too long.
*
....but you know ... when to believe that there are always "signs" everywhere and God (or Life or Higher Power or however I call it or Him:) is actually "talking" to each one of us through those signs, then all I should do is just to pay attention and then surrender ...as simple as that.
Even though the tricky part is that my mind is able to "pay attention" whatever it chooses. Lol.

There was a scene in the movie I was watching this morning
"But I miss him"
"So, allow yourself to miss him ....send him love and light each and every time you think about him and then drop it!"

Even though from the other point of view, it was only yesterday when one of my friend had written - in completely different context though - but it was impossible for me not to notice his comment
"When you can't remember some things, it means that maybe they don't matter anymore; but when you can't forget things... maybe they do"

*
"People come into our life for a Reason
for a Season
or for a Lifetime"

The last one is the message written on the information board in our house because it seems to be true :) The only problem is that it is impossible to say in advance which people "came" just for a Season and which ones for the Lifetime. Lol.
*
Heh, suppose there really are no neutral thoughts and there really is no reality - all there is, is the meaning I am giving to the circumstances around me in the certain point of time and place!
From one side, it can make me really upset because when understanding the power of my own mind and thoughts and how I am creating my own life-experiences in daily basis, I feel how much I have misused and keep misusing all of it.
However, from the other side I feel really excited and anxious to find out how all of it could work when there won´t be only climpses of clarity as so far but when I am at peace with myself most of the time - taking myself as I am and everything around me as it is, with all its ups and downs, without making such a great deal out of it ...you know, as some kind of drama queen or something. Lol.
I know, it may seem that I keep referring to Marianne Williamson as if she was my guru or something but at the moment she really is my greatest teacher and it is easy for me to relate with the things she has written. Not only because they make so much sense but feel so damn right and consciously applying those principles seems to make a huge difference for me.

*
"Learning to live with the common disappointments and failures of the human experience - particularly with how the fear-mind interprets them - is part of your spiritual mastery. Mastery doesn´t mean you get to the point where nothing goes wrong; it means you get to the point where you can endure and transform what´s wrong.
Mastery means you rise up more often than you sink in life; not because in you there is no undertow, but because you´ve learned to swim well. You´re spiritually strong and in shape.
Master is not superhuman, but deeply human; embracing rather than resisting the realization that on certain days you´ll feel like master of nothing and slave to lots of things."
*
Me and my perfectionism keeps pushing me into the edge - so much so that it is very hard, almost impossible, to accept myself with all my weaknesses when at the same time I am aware that I know so much better.
So, as a result I tend to very hard with myself....much harder than I would be with any of my loved ones?! And occasionally I find it very difficult to forgive myself for not knowing any better already before.
It is as if I refused to believe that it really takes some rain as well to see the rainbow - the sunshine itself is nice but not enough.
So, yes, surprise surprise, it takes both - the Rain and the Sunshine - to experience the Life´s Rainbows :)
*
"All of us are made of love, yet all of us make mistakes. As you reach across the wall of separateness - and there is no wall thicker than the wall of judgement - then the wall comes down. That is the miracle of forgiveness."
*
Also, for me, it is much of a control and the belief issue. Even though doing my best to believe, I really think I am not actually believing and trusting the Divine, not believing in God as such and therefore still kind of feeling that I need to get all those things "sorted by myself", at the same time knowing and feeling with every cell of my body that I am just not able.
*
"If you feel you must control everything by yourself - if you don´t feel you can ask for God´s help with the details - then no wonder you feel absolutely overwhelmed. You can´t exactly hold up the stars in the sky, but obviously someone does. So couldn´t that someone hold and harmonize the circumstances of your life?"

Floods

21:42
83 bus, on my way home
Weather is dreadful, it´s been raining really bad all day long and there are floods everywhere in the city.
Have never seen Liffey so high ?? and trains have been stopped and in some streets there are cars almost under the water? Didn´t see them myself but the guy from 102 bus told me :)
And the first guy from the same bus told me about the trains that they can´t get through because it´s way too much water ?
So yeah, city is in chaos but fingers crossed that I´d make it home alright.
*
There is a really good song coming from radio, through my headphones... so good that I really feel like dancing, honestly ! Lol... I felt like dancing already before while standing in the bus stop. There was some music coming out from the shop :)
Yet, I had such a strange "up and down" day in general.
*
Today I realized that the worse I feel, the more I need to love and pamper myself. The healthier I need to eat and the more I need to take care of myself and the more I need to do things which I really like doing.
I mean...when I feel like crap and even though in addition to everything there is also a terrible rain outside, skipping my walk on the seaside (something which always cheers me up:) is the last thing I can afford to do.
Therefore, today, I took one of the big umbrella from the corner and went out, straight into the pouring rain. Me and the BIG colorful umbrella.
Next to the harbour, there was one more man walking and he gave me and my BIG umbrella a BIG smile and I answered in the same "language" Lol.
It is kind of sweet how extreme situations connect strangers much more than average circumstances ever would ?
I mean, the same thing happened in the evening when I decided not to take the umbrella because my bus was suppose to come any minute and I do have a very short walk and usually I don´t like carrying umbrella ... just don´t because I find it annoying to drag it along to the bus.
But the minute I had stepped out from the Railway house, it was as if somebody poured the water down from heaven.
Isn´t it funny, the rain in general I mean?
....well, I do know the things which we study at school how it all happens but when I was just standing there, looking into the sky and there is all this water coming down.
It makes me feel amazed ! The same way how it was amazing another day when I was walking and looking over the sea and very close to me there was a full-size and full-color :) RAINBOW - even though the sky was absolutely clear and there were even hardly any clouds whatsoever!?

Back when I was just standing, looking at this rainbow, and thinking to myself the same way as today: "Where do you come from and how do you get here?"
Anyway, I probably should stop this rain-rainbow thing now because I feel I´m loooooosing it :)
Why did I start to talk about it at first place? Aaa, I remember now, how the extreme situations connect people.
So, there I was, soaking wet, waiting to cross the road when one guy with a black umbrella, whose face I hardly I saw, was coming into my direction and joking: "Do you want to buy an umbrella, only 50 euro :)?"
"No thanks, I actually have an umbrella but I didn´t take it on purpose!" I replied, being almost soaking wet by the time.
"Yes, why to take an umbrella when it is raining like hell!" he was joking and asked
"Do you know is there any 42 bus coming soon because the trains are stopped for today?"
"Yes, there will be one within next 5 minutes" I told him before I crossed the road and after that I kind of lost him.
Because of the floods, the bus was running late and let´s say that it was more than once when I was thinking to myself: "Shit, shit, shit, why I was such an idiot and didn´t take this umbrella with me?"
Especially when my kind of waterproof (at least that´s what I thought until today:) coat started to let the rain through and there was some water dripping down along my spine??!!
"Damn, where was my common sense??? F...ck, where is this bus anyway??? Ooo, wait, here it comes. No, it is 102 ... why is it always like that when I need 102 , there are loads of 42-s coming and today, when I need to go through the centre, the 102 comes? Ooo my, I really should have taken this umbrella because this thing is not even remotely funny any more!!!"

Now, when I am typing all those lines, it is still the same evening and I am again on a bus, this time on 83.
It is already 10:24 pm and it will take another at least 10 minutes before I´ll get home. Yes, I know, I left the workplace more than 2 hours ago and should have been home long time ago but the city is in chaos today, it really is and I am fortunate to be able to get home at all.

I´m really glad I decided to take my laptop with me this morning. It has kept me busy and I have had even no time to notice that getting anywhere takes soooooo much longer than it usually would.
Well, actually I did notice that from the corner of the O´Connolly bridge to the Four Court, it took 20 minutes??
...only bad thing about using it here in the bus is that the same way as I very often can´t read on buses, especially if the bus is going through those small streets where are lot of ramps, because it makes me feel sick...it has made me feel sick by now.
So, long story short: I am hungry, I am cold because half of my clothes are wet, I am tired and I feel like throwing up.
How good is that for Monday evening at 22:29pm?
I think it`s a lovely way to start a new week, isn´t it? :)
Well, actually, it is not so bad at all because I had lot of fun before on 102 bus. Remember, I have started to talk twice about the fact how extreme ...ooooo my, it is my stop soon....can´t believe it ... I completely lost myself into this writing thing.

Alright, I gotta get back to this connecting thing later in the evening or some other day ....will close it for now.

11:47 pm
Had a lovely dinner, nice hot shower and am a completely new creation by now - even though still the tired one who is ready to go to sleep soon :)
So, this will be brief conclusion to sup up the topic I meant to talk about earlier, the third time during last couple of hours when I am trying to start the topic "Dreadful weather made strangers smiling to each other!" :)
*
There I was, finally the 102 bus came.
I was sitting on my regular seat - the first one on the second floor - I feel really annoyed when it is taken..lol.. only joking even though I really like this seat the best:).
Very carefully I tried to take off my coat because it was soaking wet and I didn´t want more water to get under my shirt because I think it was enough of it already there anyway.
There was a guy who came and sat to another front seat next to me and started to clean the window there. He used his umbrella to do that.
His really demonstrative and energetic moves were hard not to notice and all the situation made me laugh.
He looked at me and told: "You are the "without the umbrella" girl! You see how useful one umbrella can be, you could even use it to clean the window ;) Do you want to borrow my umbrella to clean your window as well?" he was asking me.
"No thank you!" I told him but couldn´t help laughing again because the way he was and the way he talked was genuinely funny, in the best possible way.
It is impossible to even describe, without trying to write precisely, what our dialogue for approximately next 30 minutes was all about ... all I can say was that I haven´t laughed so much for a while.
It took forever to get from Malahide to Coolock (he got off there) because the flooding had made some parts of the road difficult to get through but it sure was the fastest half an hour on a bus for me.
Most of the time I was just listening to him and sat there with surprise. I remember myself even asking from him: "Who are you anyway, some kind of comedian or something?" because it sure looked as if he had practised this kind of fluent funny conversation very often :)
It was great to follow his thoughts and we had a wonderful, even kind of theatrical, chat between us.
He is from Australia himself, he referred to Arvo Pärt as somebody he knows :D !?! and he sure knows how to make people laugh. I really think that the few rows of people behind us were laughing with me even though I never looked back to check if they did :)

Still, something in his being made be bit cautious ...why? Because he sure was kind of guy who fathers have in their mind when they are warning their daughters to watch out :)

Another thing floating in my mind at this very moment was something like
"Look at you girl, here you are, being such a sparkling and a wonderful person to be around and talk with, feeling so good and comfortable ... and there you were couple of days ago in a situation which was something you'd been looking forward for a while ...and what did you do?
Being completely out of place, not feeling as yourself at all ... no idea how to sit or what to talk about...being concerned if you are any good at all?
Kind of ironic, isn't it ?"
*
Heh, anyway, it is gone by now and there is no way to turn back time and do it all over again.
So, I better breathe in and out and let it go...
If it´s something which is meant to be, I might get another chance to BE more ME next time.
If not, then I suppose I need to accept the fact that all this story has been just one lesson (kind of important one though:) in my student book called "Life".
*
Still, it is weird how it is so much easier and more natural to talk with a complete stranger with who I have just met because there are no expectations nor emotions involved - no fears, no hopes, no anything.
*
After Coolock when I had just lost my conversation partner who had made me laugh for almost half an hour, there was another young man sitting into his place.
This guy was completely wet - well, like all of us on that bus really :) but by completely wet I mean that he had literally been on a water or something ... Lol. I mean it.
... and once again, the extreme situations really make it easier for people to connect to each other because after one minute when he was taking his shoes off to pour the water out he was smiling and telling that this is not a normal rain today.
He told me that his street was so flooded that the cars were under water and he had to walk on a water which came up to his knees to get to the bus stop.
I felt ashamed for being complained about the little bit of water which was coming through my coat earlier !? and the soaking wet got a new meaning because this guy really was SOAKING WET and while I was on my way to home, dreaming about warm shower and dry clothes and fireplace, he was on his way to work. Poor man, I really felt sorry for him.

And when I got home and we were checking the situation online, there were news how some people are being evacuated because their homes are under the water ? At it made me think that the situation of this guy wasn´t so bad after all. Everything is so relative and depends completely what we compare it with.
***
Thank You for getting me home safe and Thank You for keeping me in a good company along the journey :) !
Morning will show how the city looks tomorrow.

Williamsville

Ja nüüd Sa siis ütled mulle...

6 aastat tagasi, kui ma ülikooli viimasel kursusel Tartu Lutsu raamatukogust võetud Kiyosaki "Rikas isa, vaene isa" ühe ööga läbi lugesin ning peale seda lisaks networki plaate kuulama hakkasin, käis mu sees mingi plõks. See laks oli nii korralik, et sealt saadud "kahjustused" püsivad siiani.

Mu perekonna kõrval on just Robert Kiyosaki see tegelane, kes mu mõttemaailma ja seega ka eluteed kõige rohkem mõjutanud !?
Kirjutasin ju viimasel semestril isegi essee teemal "Rahanduslik intelligentsus - kas vaid rikaste privileeg?" mis oli inspireeritud tollest ühe ööga läbi loetud raamatust.

Ei tea, mis tunne on välguga pihta saada, kuid usun, et see oli sarnane tunne, mis mind sel korral valdas. Oli tunne, et silmad kinni kompamise asemel olin nad lõpuks lahti teinud. Kõlab nagu oleksin mingi saja aastane, kes seletab, kuidas ta oli terve mingi asja nimel tööd rabanud ning nüüd lõpuks sai aru, et ajab tegelikult illusiooni taga ... vaatamata sellele, et aastaid oli mul 5 korda vähem, oli see kahtlemata sama suur AHHAAA - moment. Kogu see rahakontseptsioon, nelja kvadrandi jutt ning aktiivse ja passiivse tulu teenimise eripärad.

Sealt alates olen - kohati endale aru andmata - otsinud, proovinud, leidnud, komistanud, kukkunud, alla andnud, uuesti alustanud, unistusi kirja pannud, unistuste raamatuid põletanud, uskunud, lootnud, kahetsenud, lugenud, lugemist vihanud, kirjutanud, kirjutamist vihanud...nii dramaatiline see nüüd ka pole olnud, kuid päris künklik ning hüplev küll :)

Vahepeal on olnud palju erinevaid etappe, kuid kokkuvõttes võib neid vist lahterdada kaheks vastandlikuks perioodiks. Esimene neist väga eesmärgistatud, sihipärane äritegevus, uskudes, et vastu pidades ja natukene veel pingutades on kõik võimalik.
Teine on olnud pigem spirituaalne teekond, mille jooksul on tulnud arusaamine, et õnn ja rahulolu ei ole võrdelises ega ka mitte pöördvõrdelises seoses materiaalse heaoluga. Kogu see Universumi ja loodusseaduste uurimine ja nende "toetuse" otsimine. Tunne, et suuremas plaanis justkui polegi millelgi tähtsust. Kõige vähem on mõtet midagi ainult raha pärast teha!
Usun, et mulle on tundunud, et tuleks valida, kuna üks mingis mõttes välistab teise. Ma olen kas ärinaine või Naine, kes järgib oma südame häält ja teeb seda, mis tundub hea ja õige.

*
Nüüd olen peale paljusid teisi autoreid ringiga taas Kiyosaki juurde tagasi jõudnud ning siin on mõned lõigud raamatust

"Rikas vend, rikas õde"
HARIDUSEST
Pärast EST seminaridel osalemist oli avastanud, et traditsioonilisest haridusest enam huvitavad mind isiklikud arendamisprogrammid. Mulle meeldis kursustel, kus sain arendada oma mõistust ja vaimu, selle asemel, et võistelda kursusekaaslastega hinnete pärast. Suured osa nädalavahetustest veetsin mitmesugustel teemadel korraldatud seminaridel. Ma osalesin aju kui terviku tundmaõppimise, tantristliku seksi, taassüüni neurolingivistilise programmeerimise (NLP) ja surmajärgse regressiooni seminaridel ning käisin koguni surnutega suhtlemise seminaridel.


Keegi ei astunud minuga ühendusse, isegi ema mitte. Paljudel neil kursustel tundsin, et meie hingel olevat elu ülesanne, midagi kõrgemat kui töötajana või valitsuse sõdurina teenimine., Võimalus, et minu elul on kõrgem eesmärk, köitis mind.
Mis rahandusse puutub, siis osalesin investeerimise ja ärioskuste arendamise kursustel, seda mitte hinnete pärast, vaid et saada edukamaks investeerijaks ning ettevõtjaks.


PÜHENDUMISEST, OTSUSEKINDLUSEST JA DISTSIPLIINIST

Kogu oma tarkusest ja headest kavatsusest hoolimata olin ma 1981. aastaks pankrotis ja lahutatud. Ma olin esimese äri üles ehitanud ja selle kaotanud: ma olin abiellunud ja naisest lahku läinud.


Olin maitsenud esialgset edu, rajanud oma firma, mis leiutas ja tõi turule lainelaudurite Velcro takjakinnisega nailonist rahataskud. See äri sulandus firmaga, mis valmistas rokkansamblite tarbeks mitmesuguseid esemeid. Umbes aastaga sain miljonäriks. Ning ma armusin vaimustavasse naisesse ja abiellusin temaga.

Ent ma lasksin rikkusel, edul, lõbuhimul ja armastusel endale pähe lüüa. Muutusin ninakaks ja kõrgiks, ostsin kiireid autosid ja hakkasin oma naist petma. Minu iseloomu tugevad omadused taandusid iseloomuvaegusteks ja enesehävitamiseks. Selle asemel, et pidada lubadust ning enda kallal vaeva näha, võttis isekus minus võimust.

Kurb oli see, et ma teadsin sõnade väge ning antud sõna pidamise tähtsust; olin seda ikka ja jälle kuulnud paljudel seminaridel, millest olin aastate jooksul osa võtnud, samuti lapsena pühapäevakoolis.

"Ja Sõna sai lihaks" Nimetasin ennast äpuks ja selleks ma sain. Selge arusaamisega, et vajan muutust - ning et selle teokstegemiseks on mul abi vaja -, läksin otsima uut õpetajat ja uusi vastuseid.

Selsamal 1981. aastal tutvusin dr R. Buckminister Fulleriga ja asusin tema juures õppima.
Minu vaese ja rikka isa järel oli dr Fuller minu elu kolmas suurem mõjutaja. Inimesed on nimetanud teda kahekümnenda sajandi üheks originaalsemaks mõistuseks. Ta oli futurist, kirjanik, leidur ja filosoof. Paljud tema ennustused on meie päevil teoks saanud. Dr Fulleril oli ka sõnadest oma arvamus.
Ta ütles, et sõnad kuuluvad kõige mõjukamate inimeste loodud tööriistade hulka.

USUHÜPPED
Usuhüpe osutab, et sa pole leidnud kõiki vastuseid, ning mõni inimene kardab seda. Veelgi heidutatavamad on inimesed, kes arvavad, nagu oleksid neil tõepoolest kõik vastused olemas. Ehhki ma soovisin midagi enamat kui kellegi teise arvamusi, andis põhitõuke nädalapikkune seminar, mida juhatas Bucky Fuller. Dr Fuller avaldas, et 1927. aastal oli ta alustanud projekti "Katsejänes B", mis tähendas "Katsejänes Buckyt".
Ta pidas ennast ja oma elu suureks eksperimendiks. Ning kolmekümne kahe aastaselt, pennita taskus, abielu ja väikese tütre isa, asus ta jumala olemasolu kinnitama või ümber lükkama. Lõpuks ometi kuulsin ma midagi uut ja huvitavat! Vestluses, mis pidi olema pühendatud äritegevuse tulevikule, rääkis ta jumala olemasolu tõestusest. Kuulasin teda tähelepanelikult.

Seminari jätkudes selgitas dr Fuller, et ta olevat olnud kunagi väiksemat sorti kinnisvaraarendaja, kes kaotas kõik. Ta oli mõistnud, et tal puudusid edukaks ärimeheks saamise eeldused. Sõbrad tuletasid talle meelde, et tal on naine ja lapsed, ning soovitasid ta tööle hakata. End iga kord, kui ta mingisse ametisse asus, vähendasid raha ja kindlustunne tema õppimisvõimet ning meelteteravust. Ta sai aru, et raha ja kindlustunne tuhmistavad mõistust. Niisiis loobus ta turvalisest tööst, hüppas sügavad kohas ette ning kas uppus või ujus välja.

Ta ütles, et oli päästevahenditeta või finantstoetuseta tegutsedes iga kord targemaks saanud. Kuuldu köitis mind erakordselt.
Samuti esitas ta idee, et elu tuleb pühendada kaasinimestele suurimate hüvede loomisele. See sundis mind aru pidama. Nii et jutt polnudki sellest, mismoodi ise rikkaks saada? Nüüd rääkis ta samamoodi nagu minu vaene isa. Erienvus oli ainult selles, et mu isa soovis kindlat tööd, aga dr Fuller mitte. Tema oli valmis hüppama. Minu mõistuses arenes konflikt - Fulleri ideed võitlesid minu kahe isa ideeded ja uskumustega. End ma olin lummatud ja soovisin innukalt rohkem kuulata.

Seminaril sain Fulleri raamatu "Critical Path" eksemplari. Järgnev lõik pärineb sellest.

"Ma eeldasin, et kui jätkan "hindab" loodus minu tööd. Kui ma teen seda, mida loodus soovib, ja kui ma teen seda loodusseadustega lubatud paljutõotaval viisil, siis leian, et mu töö on majanduslikult tulus ja vice verca, negatiivse tulemuse korral pean senisest tegevusest kiiresti loobuma ja otsima loogilisi alternatiivvõimalusi, kuni leian uue suuna, mille loodus on füüsilise toetusega oluliseks tunnistanud ja heaks kiitnud."

*

Selles lõigus peitus jumala olemasolu kinnituse või ümberlükkamise võti. Ma sain aru, et kui teeme seda, mida jumal soovib - lahendame mõne probleemi, mida jumal tahab lahendada -, siis saame raha või toetatakse meie elu muul viisil. Kui raha ei ilmu, siis tähendab, et pean kiiresti kurssi muutma või nälga surema.

See idee oli erutav ja kontrollitav. See tähendas usuhüpet ja jumala usaldamist. Ühtaegu tähendas see, et ma kasutasin oma intuitsiooni, tegemaks seda, mnida jumal soovib teoks teha, mitte seda, mida mina ise tahtsin teha.


Nii palju siis ideest, et teed seda, mis sulle meeldib.


Justkui oleks sellest ideest veel vähe olnud, raputas dr Fuller mind südamepõhjani, öeldes, et suurem osa äritegevusest toodab seda, mida ta nimetas "obnoxio", vastikuks. Nõnda iseloomustas ta saadusi, mis ei loonud paremat maailma. Obnooxio firmade ainus eesmärk oli rahategemine. Tänapäeval nimetatakse niisuguseid tooteid bling-iks, kassikullaäriks. Oma südames teadsin, et minu roki-äri oli klassikaline obnoxio-firma, ehkki püüdsin seda päevi ja nädalaid eitada, arutades ratsionaalselt, kuidas nailonkotid ja rokkansamblite siiditrükis logoga kübarad maailmale väärtust lisavad.

Asjadel, mille valmistamisele ma oma elu raiskasin, polnud efekti ollagi. Ma tegin raha, kuid ei midagi head. See arusaamine häiris sügavalt ning tunnistas kogu minu äri aluse, minu töö ja minu kui ettevõtja väärtuse kokkuvarisemist.

See õõnestas peaaegu iga minu uskumust.
Minust sai teistsugune inimene, mind muutis igaveseks teadmine, et olen küll rahaasjus edukas, kuid sellest hoolimata maailmale sama hästi kui kasutu.

Tänu dr Fullerile mõistan nüüd, et meie elu kujundavad kaks finantsseisundit. Üks on isiklik finantsseisund, mis osutab meile, kuidas rahaasjad edenevad. Ja teine - meie sotsiaalne raamatupidamine - mõõdab, kui palju head oleme maailmale teinud. Bucky nimetas seda "kosmiliseks raamatupidamiseks". Mina olin esimese järgi finantsseisundi põhjal rikas, aga teise järgi pankrotis.

***

Et siis sellised lõigud sealt raamatust. Praegu mõistan, et tol korral, kui "Rikas isa, vaene isa" raamatut lugesin, võtsin Kiyosaki õpetust väga sõna-sõnalt, teadmata neid aspekte tema enda loo taga.
Mitte et see halb oleks olnud, lihtsalt väga must-valge, muud ei midagi :)

Samas, paaril korral tekkis siiski tunne "Ja nüüd Sa siis ütled mulle ???" samas, mis ma ikka sellest teemast edasi-tagasi keerutan, et miks ma seda varem ei teadnud, kuna see raamat ilmus alles 2009, samal ajal kui minu Kiyosaki õppetunnid algasid 2005.

Bits and pieces of poetry 31.03.2011

NIRVANA
We´re always busy in the middle of something,
searching and finding and losing again.

Never ending circle it seems to be,
the minute you feel "I got it!" it´s gone
and the search starts all over again.

Nirvana is a place close to the heaven,
where joy and happiness are waiting for us,
where satisfaction becomes our middle name,
where´s no shadow of anger, despair or fame.

We´re all equal there, like sisters and brothers.
No space for false self which keeps us so covered.

Where is this place? How can we get there?
Why hasn´t no-one mentioned it before?

There´s no-one who can take you or show you the way
as the kingdom of Nirvana lies deep within you.

Your own heart is the source of endless joy,
pure intentions unlock the gates and ooo boy...
what a wonderful ride on the river it is
as you´re carried by the power of life downstream.


LITTLE BIT OF SOMETHING ...

I´ve got a feeling i want to taste all the tastes,
i want to drink all of the wines and and have a bite of pastries.

Don´t wanna be the person who is happy with this little bit of something.
You know, wanna enjoy as much as i can, little bit of everything.

Because otherwise the same old shit, day after day.
no wonder people grow old fast and become grey.

I don´t want this usual stuff, i can´t see the point.
Ooo my, even the thought of it gives me the headache
and pain in my joints.

No way I´ll be that regular, average person.
living like i´d have some kind of curse on.

One little house, boring job - nice and safe track,
no-no, something more juicy please, with some kind of crack.

I want to try the taste of real life,
to feel the adventures sharp as a knife.

I want to dream, to explore, to have fun,
dance and sing under the sun.

Don´t want to miss out the beauty of living,
don´t believe the theory it`s only in giving.

Special, yes, special is the word i want my life to look like,
everything started from friends til the color of a bike.

Want to feel special, look special, do special things,
all could be special what life brings.

Little bit of everything i wanna try out.

I want to go to the million places around the globe,
want to have the most extravagant clothes in my wardrobe.

I want to be fluent in many languages and read all kind of books,
want to be the one with confident look.

But yes, the books ... you know what i recently started to read,
a bestseller from Coelho, exactly what i need.

Actually, my friend said it`s a MUST for a person like me,
so, i was eager to find out what exactly did he mean.

I read and i read until i got to the page
where all the actions were played in the stage.

But not the stage with characters of the book
but the stage with someone who had my look.

"Try to drink from every cup. All wines should be tasted."
That´s the way to live, not a day should be wasted.

"Choosing a path meant having to miss out on others."
Exactly my thought, don´t even bother.

I read and i read and suddenly, out of the blue.
Tears started to drop into table ... why? Have no clue.

"She wanted to follow all possible paths
and so ended up following none."

Is it really an option that wanting this little bit of everything,
might end up not getting even this little bit of something?

This little bit of something which I keep refusing to have
...
wow


ON HETKI

On hetki, mil aeg jääb seisma, sest seda pole olemas.
On hetki, mil vahemaad kaovad, sest me kõik oleme üks.
On hetki, mil tänutunne on hinges nii suur, et hingetuks teeb.
On hetki, mil sõnade vägi kahvatub, sest tunnete keelt nad ei tea.
On hetki, mil südamest tulev soov ookeani ja mägede tagant,
on kallim kullast ja maisest varast, sest hinda tal ei ole.
On hetki, mil lahtiste silmade ja avali südamega taeva vaadates,
kõik avardub ning valgeks lööb, sest sisse tekib ruumi.
On hetki, mil hinges on lõputu hea ja soe,
sest elu võluvägi argipäeva poeb.

MIDAGI OLLA

"Midagi olla ja midagi suuta,
midagi liikuma panna ja muuta"
Olid ajad, olid majad, olid helesinised unistused,
olid leidmised, kaotused, kukkumised ja komistused.
"Midagi olla ja midagi suuta,
midagi liikuma panna ja muuta"
Need kaks rida kui needus mu kannul nüüd käivad,
nii lõputult palju endas kandvat näivad.
"Midagi olla ja midagi suuta,
midagi liikuma panna ja muuta"
Neis kümnes sõnas tundub olevat peidus,
kogu siht ja suund, mis eluteel leidub.
Sest kes ei tahaks olla ja suuta?
Ütleks ära võimalusest midagi liikuma panna ja muuta?
Suutes olla see, kes oleme, saab paljutki muuta.
Olles see, kes suudame, saab mõndagi liikuma panna.

Bits and pieces of poetry 30.03.2011

HAVE YOU NOTICED?

Have you noticed how blue the sky is
when you are in peace with yourself.

Have you noticed how bright the sun shines
when you feel the light in your heart.

Have you noticed how dark the clouds are
when you sink in your own despair.

Have you noticed the world full of enemies
when you can not make peace with you.

Have you noticed how hard everything comes
when you don´t follow the true calling.

Have you noticed the natural flow of life
when you are the one you´re meant to be.

Have you noticed that you can be everything,
your worst enemy or your dearest friend.

Have you noticed that there´s no reality
there´s only the meaning you give to it.

Have you noticed ...
... how easy it is to notice
Have you noticed ...
... how rarely we notice though.

TRUE SELF

There is this calling, this inner source.
Something which wants to take me along.

But i do not let it as i don´t know the way
"Just trust me, i know" it keeps calling along.

But it doesn´t make sense, like nothing at all.
Still, feel like falling apart when deciding to stay.

"I know why you´re here and what is your task"
How can it possibly, must be out of my mind.

"Yes, out your mind you´ll find your true self"
Ooo shit, what should i do or where to go,

"What is the worth of being, if you´re not even you?"
Anger and fear are lifting their heads.

What do you mean, what gives you the right.
"You try to make yourself something you´re not"

Can´t you see how hard i´ve been trying
to become who i am and do what i do

"But this is the thing. There´s no-one you need to become.
There´s nothing you have to do.

You are who you are.
The one you´ve always been.

You can never be less than you are meant to be.
You just need to let yourself keep up with you

Let yourself go, let go
Let yourself go, let go ..."

But how do I know what will happen to me?
How do you know where will i end up like that?
How do I know I´ll be alright?

"Well, do you know any of this by doing what your doing now?"
No but ...
"There is actually no BUT :)"


WHAT´S UP ?

What´s up with you my little friend?
Things are not the way you planned?
Really, it is nice to hear, so, all is back on track again?

You gotta be kidding me, seriously?
I mean, i thought you two were meant to be?
Grew apart, that´s what they all say.

Have you ever thought how it would be other way around?
Funny to even imagine, isn´t it?
I mean, two of you, growing towards each other,
until there´s no me and you, there´s only us.

No space for yourself, no topics to talk to
as all is one because you did not grow apart.
You see, you are laughing already, that´s good.

Please promise my friend, before making the move,
think at least twice as it´s so damn easy to break.
Break something which took you long time to build.

Also, there´s always the option for "renovation".
You replace this piece here and remove that stain there.
The same old good one but looks like brand new.

Option, of course it´s an option, i´m not kidding here.
Cammoon, let´s have a walk now and talk something light.
So, what´s up with you my little friend?

No-no, i don´t wanna hear what you argued about last night.
Light, i said, light.
Something which feels light to talk and to listen.
Light, i said, light.


KEEP ON GOING...

"Keep on going, go, go!" I tell to myself.
Holy Christ, I really don´t feel like.
But then what, what will you do?
I do not know, I don´t have a clue.

Full circle moments

Half a year ago I was thinking and writing about Life as a spiral. That after a certain period of time there´s always a feeling that "Jesus Christ, back in the same place again, how is it possible?" and it really is the same place, bit different level though:)

Now, despite of the fact that I still believe into the "spiral theory" - I´ve always been an expert of theories:D - I´ve also started to feel more and more FULL CIRCLE moments. These are the moments when circle is so completely full and finished that there is a confusion whether to cheer from joy or cry from despair.

Sometimes it looks and feels like a disease. Seriously?! I mean, is it possible that this is my way of life? Everything always temporary, nothing permanent. Did I just say "permanent" ...not sure if this is a normal reaction - what the hell is normal anyway, right? - but for me this word is equal to the expression "KEEP AWAY, DANGER !" :D I´m doing bits and pieces of various things. Little bit of everything BUT nothing fully. *

And now, surprise, surprise, I´ve got a feeling that I´m in the middle of another FULL CIRCLE moment. Yes, I know, they´ve been quite a frequent visitors recently but what can I do. Lie to myself, change myself, force myself to do something I feel like not doing anymore?

*

Besides, what is wrong of going to different places and trying out various things?

Kristi honey, do you know that during the last 3 and a half years you´ve been in more than 10 countries, living in 4 of them and you`ve had approximately 7 different jobs? Well, some of them I can hardly even call jobs but more like the temporary - yes, even more temporary than my usual temporary :D - sources of income. * Don´t you think it´s bit too extreme already? Honestly? No... not really. I don´t even think any more that I owe an explanation to someone for the decision to live my life this way. * Still, actually there is a person I felt I need to explain a way I see things. I sent a letter few days ago. Yes like a real letter in an envelope, to my grandmother because I understand that it must be hard for her to see me kind of "losing my track", giving up my "proper" and well-paid jobs to do something random, not being in a relationship and not even having my own home. Aren´t those the main qualities which every person should accomplish in life? At least according to some strandards :)

*

My father, even though he is used with me and my theories:), told me few days ago that I should stop thinking and start living. Yes, I get him BUT ...:) Actually, I think I´m already living. On my own special way, like all of us :)

Love the thought which Liva sent me recently: " ... not sure what I m doing, but I know that if God would not wish me to do it - I wouldn`t do it!" *

Only thing I´ve ever actually remember myself wanting to do "permanently" is writing and now, after reading Gilbert´s "Eat, Pray, Love" I´ve only one question in my mind: "Why haven´t I already written a book as well?"

I mean, I perfectly get that this is not me being so special but something is going on in general and there are more and more people who find themselves in Indian asrhams, in the middle of chanting and sitting for hours, trying to learn to quiet their mind while finding it to be one of the hardest thing to do on this planet Earth. People who feel that the "traditional" way is not their way, that it just doesn´t feel rigth etc. etc

*

Call it crazy but for me, it makes so much more sense than the "normal", whatever we would consider "normal" to be :)

* So, instead of trying to figure out the ways how to "fit myself into the normal world" because very often I feel I´m not able to relate any of it, I should celebrate the fact that despite my young age - yes, there still are moments when I consider 27 relatively young - I´ve already been fortunate to see and experience the things which I have.

* Would, should, could ...what a lovely nice expressions...heh, funny ! Never happy, never satisfied, what the f..ck is your problem girl!?

By now, you should (yes, should again:) know that happiness doesn´t come from outside. It is not a result of something: relationship, money, new clothes. It isn´t something which is hidden into other countries. I mean, you do know all that stuff by now, don´t you? It is within you, it starts and ends within you. Yes BUT ...but what? Maybe it is meant to be that happiness is never complete. That after every moment when I have felt "I got it!" something changes which forces me to grow and learn again. Love the comparison with plants - we, like them, need shit to grow and from this perspective, there are no mistakes, there are only lessons which I have needed to learn. And the situations will repeat themselves (yes, very often over and over again:) until I get it. *

And when I listen a song from Monty Python: "You come from nothing. You go back to nothing. What you´ve lost? Nothing..." everything I was just writing about, seems completely irrelevant:)

I come from nothing, I go back to nothing. What have I lost? Nothing ... and after a minute or so, my little BIG thoughts are important and relevant again :D Ooo my, Life is really a interesting piece of Art.

How to make the perfect cup of tea !

How to make tea? Well, it is kind of too obvious process to even write about it, isn´t it? I mean, boil the water, take a cup, choose the tea, add some sugar or honey and voilaaa - here you go! Well, alright, in some countries they have all sorts of rituals connected with this tea making process but still - it takes few sentences, a short chapter the most, to describe it in detail

BUT

If you would be required to write max 1000 word description with the topic "How to make the perfect cup of tea!" what would you write ? *
Down here you can read what I wrote. Yes, inspired by a true story even though the reactions of my bosses - yes, there have been more than one case like that:) - have been completely opposite and I´m deeply grateful for that. Thank You !

How to make the perfect cup of tea!

*

Lucy had been feeling not quite herself already for a while. By now, she has tried to change her lifestyle, her thoughts, her attitude - nothing, it was still there. The feeling that her current job doesn´t give her any satisfaction and that most probably, the best she can do, is just to move on. "I`m so sorry but this job is just not my cup of tea any more!"
Finally, finally she was able to say it out loud, things she refused to admit even to herself. She never thought that she´ll be so relaxed and in ease when she lets her boss, who she highly admires, know about her plans of leaving.
"You lost me now Lucy?! Are you for real? After all the work you´ve put in? Has it ever occurred to you that there´s no such thing as a perfect cup of tea? Maybe your tea has just become cold and all it needs, is us to warm it up again?"

Lucy smiled and sighed quietly. It was exactly the reaction she´d been expecting from her beloved owner. Margaret, whose second or at least middle name could have been "a woman on a mission" never stepped back from anything. Persistent til the very end. She was so convinced there´s always a way how to "make things work" and how to "get everything back on track".

"Believe me dear Margaret, this is something I´ve been trying to warm up already for couple of months without any results. It looks that my cup just needs to me emptied and filled again!"

Margaret sat down and gave her that special look she always did before saying something really smart as she had a suitable quotation for every circumstance
"Have you ever heard the expression that trying is lying my girl. That is exactly your problem. You were trying but you never actually made a final decision that you will solve this issue."
"I think the current thing is actually already solved . The only problem is that our vision of the solution differs like a night and day. You know what? Maybe you should try to be little more flexible yourself sometimes. I understand how important it is for you to keep your word and finish everything you´ve started but don´t you think that sometimes, when nothing goes the way you wanted, life is trying to tell you something."
"Exactly, life is trying to tell me that it is time to change the way I´m approaching the situation" she replied automatically, again, with the special look in her eyes.
"Or life is trying to tell you that it´s time to leave the situation as it is and just to move on".
"To run away, you wanted to say?"
"No, to surrender. To let go. To stop paddling upstream. To see what happens if I stop trying so hard, to stop pulling myself together every morning. Wouldn´t it be fun to find out where do I end up when I just go with the flow?"
"The person without any purpose and direction, goes only to the direction where the wind blows" she snapped.
Someone had switched on the tv in the next room and now it was playing really loud. There was a comedy where two guys were having a competition who is able to make better breakfast.
"And tea, you can not forget tea! It is the most important element of it."
"What do you mean? If the food is great, tea hardly matters."
"But look at it - the perfect cup, the best quality tea. Drinking it is the sensation itself. Nobody could resist this amazing smell?"
"My honest opinion is that tea is absolutely irrelevant. Only way how a simple cup of hot water with some taste becomes "perfect" is when to make it to and drink it with someone so special that after finishing the drink, you won´t remember how did it taste after all!"

Both women looked at each other and laughed. They didn´t say anything as the moral of the story spoke louder than their own words could ever have. There are no right or wrong ways to do things. There are just different people in their unique circumstances which they can solve in their own way which is perfect to each one of them.

"So, what was the question again? How to make a perfect cup of tea? To me or to you? Well, if the tea will be for you ...why do you ask me then? You are the only one who knows the answer."

Me, real me ?!

Who am i and what do i want (to do) ?
These 2 questions seem to be haunting me for happily forever after and no doubt, there are moments when i feel being kind of sick and tired of them :)
I mean, so often i find myself in a conclusion that probably it would be easier to consider myself as a victim of some kind of circumstances. As somebody who has to do something. Somebody, living in a belief that other people or life itself have already made all decisions for me, that i just have no free choice.
My thing is exactly the opposite. I know i have the choice...well, not that i would be something special, everybody has this choice but most people are just too occupied with their current lives to see or to feel it :)
I am so aware that every single morning when i open my eyes, i´m in a new T-junction and i can choose the direction to go and even though i´ve had plenty moments of clarity, it is so fu..ing hard to decide which is the right direction to me?
It´s a wrong way of asking it anyway. Maybe i should just ask life what does it want me to do?
Why am i here after all? Any specific purpose?

Read a really good book recently "When you are falling, dive". The author of the book who was traveling around, searching himself and his answers for 10 years, referred to the quotation: "The man who goes to the opposite direction, is always said to be run away" as a sufficient excuse which he used to kind of justify his way of living. I read those lines and felt relief. Doesn´t matter that in the end of the book he kind of discovers little different philosophies:)

I mean, it looks that me as well am going to the opposite direction and i have tried of figure out - has it been a run away or have i just been listening to my inner guidance and giving a life and myself a chance.
All those things have felt right in the beginning and then i´ve completely dived into this. This is the word one friend of me used quite recently. In her opinion "my thing" might be that the minute i discover something for me, i kind of DIVE into it, give everything, do it so passionately and after a while, it starts to cool down...
She thinks that if i would just do not so much and kind of be there only a little, give myself only a piece, it would last longer or something like that. In my own opinion, in a way i suppose she is right.
Still, when i look at my own life and yes, it´s been quite a long row of different things going on in various places with different people but most importantly - so many roles i´ve been playing - but i feel that all those experiences have been so worth it.

Well, ofcourse, sometimes i feel myself like a total failure because there still isn´t a place where i have felt like settling or the person who to settle with. There isn´t even an occupation or passion towards something i really would like to do ??!!
I mean ... it always depends from the perspective i want to look at the situation. If i start comparing myself to others, which i fortunately don´t do very often, it looks like a disaster.
All those continious engagement-wedding-baby announcements and photos. There are moments when i feel i´m missing out something, that maybe the time will run out for me?
But on the other hand, when i skip the comparison part, i feel satisfied with my complete freedom and having a baby is something i can not even imagine at this moment and time.
I suppose the main reason is that i still feel myself like a little baby. Taking my first steps in this world. I don´t even know how to handle my own crisis, without talking about somebody else´s. Selfish? Yes, probabaly i am but aren´t we all?
Every day i discover new things about myself and to be honest here, actually, i´m just getting to know my real self. It is even unbelievable how many layers i´ve kind of "added" to myself in order to "fit" in.
I mean - the things i do, the ways i behave, things i appreciate.

I´ve tried so hard to behave normal ... well, like everybody do. Go to places because it suppose to be fun accoring to some standards. Drink some drinks because it is what everybody do.
Smile when all i actually thought is how to get out from that place.
*
The minute i let go all those fake expressions. Trying to be someone else, more cool, more humorous in order to impress somebody...the minute i let it all go and just be who i truly am, i actually give, unconsciously, others the "permisson" to do the same and it´s a good feeling :)

A while ago i had a funny insident with one taxi driver who obviously wanted to see me again and the dialogue looked like that:
- So, what do you think. Could we go out and have a drink some night?
* I usually don´t go out and i don´t drink
- Alright, maybe we can just have a coffe one day then?
* Sorry, i don´t drink coffee either
- Ooooh, what do you do then, sit home and watch tv?
* Not really, we don´t have tv at home

...well, this dialogue had some more lines and yes, ofcourse, it would have been slightly different if i would have been interested seeing him again but this is not the point why i am telling this story here.
The point is that i was completely me and even though it was obvious that these were not the answers he expected, his facial expressions and body language showed that the more ME i was when our conversation continued, the more interested he became !?
There is no need to pretend to be somebody who i am not. Or pretend to do something which i usually wouldn´t. Ofcourse there is always the possibility that he was just curious to find out what other weird things i do / don´t do but that´s not the issue.
*
Anyway, don´t even know why i felt like writing about all those things. Probably because that despite of the expectations which i occasionally come across, i actually feel i am right on track. Which kind of track, i am not sure yet though :) ?!!
Saw the movie "Eat. Pray. Love" and now reading the book - by the way, book is at least 10 times better than a movie but anyway... all this story.
It gives some hope and confidence that my traveling around and looking for myself, my passion, my true purpose, are not so crazy attempt after all :D and there are actually more and more people who do so and it is perfectly normal and acceptable way of life:)

Still, it may look stupid and even ridiculous how i wander around the world trying to... I mean, look at me ... let´s take the last year for example.
It started in US where i was as an au-pair, February i spent in Morocco, March-June i was a teacher in Estonia. Summer months i was a housewife in our contry house, September i was helping to renovate the house in Dublin, Oct i started my direct marketing job in Ireland which i did almost 4 months.
Is it normal and stabile life? But i suppose that´s the thing? I don´t want to have normal and stabile life, at least not now. Well, it may be that the reason is really simple and obvious - i just haven´t found this somebody or something which would give me reason to settle down or it might be bit more complicated - i just am not that type a person who would ???
Because to be honest once again, i actually can´t see something wrong of trying as many different things and places and occupations as possible, to see and to experience in order to find out if it`s something for me or not. How else should i find out?
*
Besides, i believe that everything happens for a reason and each situation is the perfect stepping stone for the next step in life - just, the thing is that very often we don´t see it yet :)
And this blind belief, that the next step is always there...this belief is something which i need to have to be brave enough to move forward.

Universe has taken a really good care of me - always. I mean, i´ve always had a wonderful learning curves and challenges.
The minute i´ve had ideas of leaving from another place, everything "have been arranged" in the way what pleases everybody. All my "moving on" moments have been smooth and natural and we departure as friends. THANK YOU for that.
*
So, yes, here i am. In the age of 27 ... when i was 20, i was so damn sure that by 25 i have my life "in place": proper home, a man next to me and the first child but now i can not see myself as a mom at all, at least not yet :)
Still, i do wish best of luck to all the moms around me because i still think - like i´ve always thought - that raising a child, is definately one of the most important "job" a woman can ever have.
Our last couchsurfer Olivia wrote me a quote "By the time you know what to do, you are too old to do it" Well, thanks Olivia, it helps a lot :)
I don´t know what to do yet but i already occasionally think i am too old to do it :D no, actually ...i freaked out the moment i became 27 two months ago but now i´m alright again.
I´m ready to be patient with myself.
Too many times i´ve rushed and ended up nowhere, so, it would be nice to believe that now i´m old enough to show at least some patience towards myself.
Two kind of important concepts from last week. I seriously consider giving up drinking for good. Not that i´ve ever been much of a drinker :)
Just, even this little has always been rather some kind of idea in my head than actually something i´ve enjoyed, so, why bother at all? I might as well skip those few drinks, it wouldn´t make almost any difference?
Second one is about praying. Even though never religious, i´ve always believed in something. Last year had several occasions when this topic arose.
In Spain there was one random guy who asked "Who do you talk to then?" and my honest and innocent answer was: "Nobody".
Moroccon girls who pray 5 times a day were concerned about the same thing couple of months later: "What do you do with all those negative feelings and where do you get courage and belief if you don´t pray?"
Considering all those questions and the fact that while living in US i actually started to go to church almost every week. Not because i had to or i planned to but because when i passed whatever church (this is the good thing about being not religious - it really doesn´t matter which church to go to :) i just felt like stepping in and so i did.
Even though i am a true believer that "this thing" is everywhere and there is actually no need to go some particular place whatsoever.
Now, after watching the movie and while reading the book "Eat. Pray Love" i actually feel comfortable to pray. Don´t do it every day and i do not always even kneel or anything because i think it´s ok to pray in whatever way i´m comfortable.
So, yes, i just believe there´s nothing wrong of asking some support, courage and guidance from "someone" or "something".
*
In general, it is weird how long has it taken (and will probably take:) to become someone who i was born at first place.
So, no, i am never bored. The process of "Getting to know the real ME" is constant and interesting. Like Kalle was reading yesterday from his notes: "Be yourself because everybody else is already taken".
Funnily enough, the minute i am connected with myself, i almost immediately start to attract other like-minded people into my life. People who come into our life for a Reason, a Season or a Lifetime :)

On hetki...

On hetki, mil aeg jääb seisma, sest seda pole olemas.

On hetki, mil vahemaad kaovad, sest me kõik oleme üks.

On hetki, mil armastus on kõikjal, me ümber ja me sees.

On hetki, mil tänutunne hingetuks võtab ja suurest õnnest nutma paneb.

On hetki, mis tuletavad meelde - kõik, mida tõeliseks õnneks vaja, on meil kogu aeg olemas olnud.

AITÄHHH ...

*

Hommikul tegin oma silmad lahti hetkel, kui tõusev päike Dublini kohal laotuvat taevast erkpunaseks hakkas värvima.

Loogika ütles, et cammoooon Kristi, sa oled alla 5 tunni maganud, sul ei ole vaja kuhugi minna, proovi nüüd olla.
Aga miski suurem asi mu sees ütles - mine ja jookse õue, nüüd ja kohe :))

Ja nii ma siis läksin, oma sussides ja hommikumantlis ....põllu servale tõusvat päikest tervitama. Nii ilus oli see vaatepilt ja antud loo deja vu seisneb selles, et Meigo saatis mulle samal ajal Lopa päikesetõusu foto ?!!?

Kokkusattumus, hmm, vaevalt küll :)))

Et siis sedasi on lood...

Eesmärgid - Müügitehnikad - Visioonid - Sihipärane tegevus - Iseenda täielik ärakaotamine - Raha - Sõprus - Õppimine - Valu - Areng - Enda uuesti ülesleidmine :)

• 12 tundi päevas;
• 6 päeva nädalas;
• 15 nädalat järjest;
• igal hommikul 2 tundi koolitust;
• suhtlemine keskmiselt 80-100 inimesega päevas;
• messide ajal umbes 400-ga.
• Eramupiirkondades kõndides minimaalselt 10 km päevas.

Lugematud tunnid bussis, rongis või autos. Villad ja mega rikkad rajoonid vs pisikesed cottage´id, kus inimestel gaasikraanid tasumata arvete pärast kinni keeratud.

Kõikvõimalikud tegelased: ajakirjanikud, pangaomanikud, üksikemad, koerad, kassid, lapsed, poissmehed - you name it:)
13 täis kirjutatud kaustikut, mis sisaldavad erinevaid asju, alates müügitehnikatest, edu valemitest, inimestega suhtlemisest, kuni tiimide ehitamise, motiveerimise ja kolmanda leveli müügini.
Kolmanda leveli müügi abil on võimalik panna klient, tema kehakeelt ja suhtlusstiili jäljendades ning vastavalt sellele reageerides, meie enda rütmis ja soovide järgi käituma - uuuuhhh, scary :)

* See on äri, mida hoiab koos kindel ärimudel ja SÜSTEEM. Just see viimane sõna oli see, mis mind seejuures võlus. Olin suhteliselt kindel, et see ongi SEE, mida oodanud ja otsinud olen, sest esimesest päevast peale tundus kõik lausa liiga hea, et tõsi olla.

Ainuüksi fakt, et esimesel nädal oli "kodutööks" ajakirjadest piltide välja lõikamine, kuna reedese koolituse asemel oli "The Secret" filmi vaatamine ning peale seda arts ja grafts, kus igaüks oma vision board´i kokku pani.
Asi, millele olin enne sinna tööleminekut korduvalt mõelnud, et nii oleks vaja taas enda sihid ja suunad üle vaadata ning paika panna. Ning nüüd siis antakse selline ülesanne töö juurest??! Kogu see loogika ning viis, kuidas asju teha.
Jap, tundsin end esimesest hetkest alates kui kodus. Tsitaadid seinte peal, hommikune atmosfaar ja muusika. Teaching on boards. Lisaks muidugi asjaolu, et see polnud mitte lihtsalt töö, vaid managment progamm, mis kestab 3-6 kuud ning millel ka rahvusvaheline mõõde, kuna office´eid on kõikjal üle maailma.

* Minu järgmine samm oli teha läbi COD1 (cycle of development 1), mis on selle äri alusdokument. Esiteks õpetati mulle kõike, mida mul oli vaja teada ning teiseks pidin ma tahvli peal kõik needsamad asjad n-ö tagasi õpetama ning kõik 11 valdkonda "hinnatud" saama. See oli novembri keskpaik, kuues nädal äris, kui ma treeneriks kvalifitseerusin. Süsteem ja koolitus on paigas, tooted ja teenused, mida müüakse, on erinevatel ajahetkedel erinevad, aga süsteemi geniaalsus peitubki selles, et see kehtib mistahes toote ja teenuse puhul ning ka elus üldiselt.

* Sisuliselt ehitad teise süsteemi sees, saades igapäevaselt palka, üles oma süsteemi. Nende poolt antakse kog vajalik info ja koolitus. Ainus, mida managmenti saamiseks tegema pidi, oli ise treeneriks saada ning 5 inimest välja koolitada ning erinevalt igasugu networki äridest, ei pidanud neid viite inimest isegi ise otsima, vaid need kandidaadid tulid http://www.jobs.ie/ portaali kaudu. Keegi teine intervjueeris neid, selgitas süsteemi ja otsustas, kas temas on piisavalt potentsiaali, et ta tagasi kutsuda.

Teise roundi intervjuu ajaks "anti" see inimene treeneri "kätte", kelle töö oli seda äri lähemalt selgitada, näidata, mida ja kuidas täpselt teeme, kuidas SÜSTEEM toimib ning samal ajal seda uut inimest intervjueerida, lähtudes 5-st peamisest kategooriast:
1. Mineviku saavutused
2. Tuleviku ambitsioonid
3. Tema liidriomadused ja ärivaist
4. Attitude
5. Work-ethic






















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Minu äris oleku ajast olime kõik valdava osa Airtricity door to door (D2D) müügiesindajad. Tõsi, viimase nädala olin kaubanduskeskuses sama firmat esindamas.

Vahepeal oli meil veel 3 nädalat E-lite elektrooniliste sigarettide business to business kampaaniat, millest 3 päeva olime TopGear showl. Mis ma oskan öelda? Detailidesse laskumise korral tuleks mul romaanijagu materjali.

Mingid värvikamad seigad oma door to door elust soovin kindlasti jäädvustada, sest nüüd, peale kolme kuud selles äris, saan aru, miks nii palju raamatud sellele kui edu alustalale viitavad, et uksest-uksele müük on parim äri treeningprogramm üldse.

Nüüd mõistan vähemalt mingil määral ka seda kogemust, mille inimesed USAs raamatuid müües saavad. Mnjahh, see ei ole lihtsalt müük.

Selles on kõike: isiksusena kasvamist, inimestega suhtlemist, oma suhtumise pidevat korrigeerimist, lõputuid väljakutseid, ootamatusi, kannatlikkust, austust, alandlikkust, positiivsust, vastuväidetega toimetulekut, sõbralikkust, motiveeritust, usku ja lootust. 

* See on ELU kool, kus tegudel ja sõnadel on kohesed tulemusel.
See on ELU kool, kus igaüks saab täpselt seda, mida ta väärt on.
See on ELU kool, mis nõuab igapäevast õppimist ja arenemist.
See on ELU kool, mille päeva kulgu on võimatu ette ennustada.
See on kogemus, mida on võimatu kirjeldada, seda peab ise tundma. 

* Päevad on nii intensiivsed, et õhtul hommiku meenutamine on suht mõttetu tegevus. Tegelikkkuses on peaaegu võimatu isegi paaritunni taguseid sündmusi meenutada, sest uus tuleb kohe peale ning lihtsalt ei ole aega vanas kinni olla. Isegi, kui see vana on vaid minut vana.
Kuna pea 90% vastustest on suht-koht negatiivse alatooniga, mis sest, et kui people skills kõva on, siis on pea kõik EI-vastused positiivsed eitused, kuid siiski. Iga EI selja taha jätmine, ainult hetkes elamine, uuele inimesele keskendumine, oleviku tähele panemine, täielikult SIIN olemine !

* Nüüd, kui mul on aega ja võimalust sellele eluperioodile, mis tundub ülipikk, tagasi vaadata, siis on kahte sorti emotsioone. Ühelt poolt tahab süda suurest õnnest ja tänulikkusest välja karata, sest mu enda areng, mis see ülimalt intensiivne töö endaga kaasa tõi, on tõenäoliselt oluliselt märkimisväärsem, kui ma praegu aru saan ning õppetunnid mahukamad, kui ma hetkel tajun. Teisalt jällegi, kui praegu "kaine peaga" sellele mõelda, siis tundub uskumatu, kuidas ma üldse olin nõus ja võimeline, seda kõike tegema !? Ei midagi ebainimlikku, kuid kahtlemata väga suur väljakutse, mis nõudis igapäevast mugavustsoonist välja tulemist.

* Kui ma seda kõike iseenda jaoks jäädvustama tahtsin hakata, siis sain aru, et ma ei oska, ma tõesti ei oska mitte kusagilt alustada :) Kuidas kirjeldada tunnet, kus mingi värk võtab täiesti üle?! Mil ma töötan pealtnäha kui segane, kuid ei tee seda enda energia arvelt, vaid tunnen, kuidas see kõik on minu jaoks sel momendil nii õige, et Elu ise kannab mind sellest läbi. Kuidas ma magan keskmisel 6, max 7 tundi, ärgates juba 5-6 paiku, ärevus hinges, et hakkaks see uus päev juba pihta. Selline vibratsioon ning energia ja kirg, et mul endal hakkas ka kohati lausa hirmus - selle kõige paremas tähenduses - , et mis värk on?

Fookus ja ainutähelepanu, mis arvasin siiani mu suht nõrgad küljed olevat, olid seal. Olin 110% keskendunud ja pühendunud ning nii 105 päeva järjest. Mu päev algas kell 9 ja lõppes õhtul kell 10. Kodus käisin põhimõtteliselt ainult söömas ning magamas.

Peaaegu kõik bussis veedetud tunnid ma lugesin või õppisin midagi, sest see oli ainus aeg, mil seda teha:) Samas, need üksikud tunnid ja laupäeva pärastlõuna ning pühapäev, mis mul üldjuhul vabad olid - uskumatu, kui imeliselt ja produktiivselt on võimalik aega kasutada, kui seda nii ülivähe käes on:) Enamiku sellest eluperioodist olin lisaks ka veel suhtes - teine asi, millest ma tagasi mõeldes väga aru ei saa!? Algas kui muinasjutt ja lõppes kui Ladina-Ameerika seebikas :))

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Samas, kahtlemata väga väärtuslik õppetund, mis mind iseendale oluliselt lähemale tõi. Selle "silmade avamise" teene eest olen võlgu Jamesile (pildil minu kõrval). Ta on üks parimaid kolleege, kes mul kunagi olnud.

Lisaks super müügimees, kellelt ma olen nii palju õppinud. James on mulle nagu teine noorem vend ja parim sõber ühes isikus. See oli ühel õhtul pisut enne kümmet, kui James mind peale tööd koju tõi ning taas sadat maailma asja arutasime.

Tema otsekohene küsimus "Is that´s the way you want it to be?" oli minu jaoks täielik wake-up call, sest ainuüksi fakt, et ma ei osanud selle peale esimene minut aega ei AAA-d ega OOO-d öelda, rääkis iseenda eest !!

Olen suht-koht kindel, et kui jõulude ja aastavahetuse ajal neid mõnda vaba päeva poleks olnud, oleksin tõenäoliselt nagu vurr-kann edasi keerelnud. Ent see aeg iseenda seltsis andis võimaluse sedasama saatuslikku küsimust: "Is that´s the way I want it to be?" iga eluvaldkonna kohta küsida, mis sest, et tema oli seda vaid minu suhte kontekstis mõelnud.

Kuigi olin omast arust mega rahul ja õigel teel olnud, rääkisid mu ausad vastused pisut teist keelt. Tol hetkel olin siiski veel ülimalt kindel, et see äri on minu jaoks, et vaja vaid natukene enda suhtumisi ja tegevuskava muuta, et produktiivsem olla ning asjad paremini liikuma saada. Kirjutasin nimekirja inimestest, kes mind seejuures aidata saavad.
Lugesin müügiraamatuid, panin eesmärke kirja.

* Praegu, kui on aega mõttemõlgutusi edasi-tagasi kerida, tunnen, et eks see kohati pisut pimedat usku meenutas, et ma muudkui aga läksin, uskudes millessegi ja kellessegi, ent samas - mul oli igasugune alus seda teed minna, sest Elu toetas mind igal sammul. Kuigi olid elu karmimad ja pikimad päevad tööpõllul, olin ise seejuures valdavas osas ülimalt õnnelik, sest tundsin, kuidas ma igapäevaselt iseendast paremaks sain.

* See oli 7. jaanuaril, kui äkitselt käis mu sees krõks ning ma tundsin, et ma ei saa ega taha enam ??!! Raske oli endast aru saada, sest kogu office´i pilgud olid minule ja James´ile, kui kahele kõige lootustandvamale treenerile, suunatud. Meist loodeti hiljemalt märtsiks manager´i levelile kvalifitseerumist, et uus office avada.

Olin öösel kella kaheni üleval, kirjutasin ja mõtlesin, mõtlesin ja kirjutasin - proovisin sellest tugevast tundest aru saada. Ainuüksi mõte sellest, milliseid reaktsioone ma põhjustan, pani kõik mu kõhus keerama, kuid kui proovisin endale ette kujutada, et ok, ma lähen ja proovin vanaviisi jätkata, hakkas veelgi halvem olla ?! Hommikul käisin enne tööle minekut ujumas ja saunas, noh nii igaks juhuks, et äkki kuumus loksutab mu sees miskit paika :) - ei midagi !

Peale hommikust koolitust palusin, kas omanikul on aega minuga natukene rääkida. Tema igast liigutusest ja reaktsioonist oli näha, et see oli nagu välk selgest taevast .... ta pakkus, et ma praegu kellelegi midagi ei mainiks, et võtaksin mõned vabad päevad ning siis vaatan, kuidas asi tundub.

* Kuigi tundsin end nats sitasti, oli hinges hea ja rahulik olla - see vestlus omanikuga oli selle võrra lihtsam, et meie "suhe" oli puhtalt tööalane ning väga konkreetne. See, kui ma enne seda James´iga all kontoris maha istusin, oli emotsionaalselt oluliselt raskem. Olime ju igapäevaselt peaaegu nagu sukk ja saabas, ja tihti ühes autos, alati kõrvuti territooriumitel, alati teineteise jaoks olemas, kui oli vaja muret kurta või rõõmu jagada.

Nemad sõitsid kõik välja. Ma jäin üksinda atmosfääri, võtsin seina pealt oma vision board´i maha, sest seal minu unistused ja elu visioonid, millest ma loobuda ei kavatse. Vahetan lihtsalt vahendit, et neid täide viia :) 

* Minu omadus kõiges positiivset näha, on hea, kuid olgem ausad - mu maailmakäsitlus kohati liialt naiivne ja sinisilmne. Äkitselt, out of nowhere, olid korraga kardinad, mis äri telgitaguseid varjasid, mu mõtteis alla langenud ning see, mis pilt avanes, oli kõike muud kui paljulubav.

* Kummaline, et sellele kõigele aitas kõvasti kaasa raamat, mille omanik ise mulle jõuludeks kinkis!? ...downstream vs upstream ... just let go ...be who you truly are ... surra-murra puzzle tükid said ühtäkki tervikuks. Kõik vist tõepoolest juhtub põhjusega:)

* Panin muusika mängima, koristasin oma sahtli ära, viisin prügikasti välja ja panin ukse enda järelt väljastpoolt kinni. Võtsin nende ettepaneku vastu - töövabad päevad, mis ehk mu suhtumist kuidagi muudavad. Nõustusin ka Airtricity black-tie casino royal people minema, mis juba ammu päevakavas oli, kui Airtricity poolne tänuüritus kõigile nende esindajatele.

Lisaks võtsin vastu pakkumise nädal aega Liffey Valley üritust vedada, mis tähendas küll metsikuid töötunde, kuid kuna ma teadsin, et see jääb nagunii mu viimaseks nädalaks selles äris, polnud mul vastuväiteid.

* Seal ma nüüd olin. Taa kord end töötuks muutnud :) Ei ühtegi mõtet peas, mis ja kuidas edasi, aga ise rahul, et olin oma sisetunnet usaldanud.

* Ja vahetult peale seda, kui ma olin sellel eluetapil lasknud allavoolu minna, avanes mu ees uus uks, mille kohta teadsin ja tundsin esimest hetkest, et see ongi mu järgmine samm - AINUÕIGE SAMM.

* Sellest kõigest aga võib-olla kunagi siis, kui see etapp juba selja taga või vähemalt käes on :D Ma ei väsi tõenäoliselt kunagi meie super perekonda tänamast. Lõputud tänusõnad neile, kelle usk ja toetus on alati seal olnud.
Ajal, kui ma ise ennast ei mõista, siis nemad proovivad mõista.
Ajal, kui ma ise endasse ei usu, siis nemad usuvad. Ajal, kui ma leiutan mingit uut elu- ja eduvalemit, mis ülejäänud maailma silmis naeruväärne tundub, siis nemad vaid naeratavad tunnustavalt. AITÄHHH teile kullakesed !

* Praegu näevad mu päevad taas välja sellised, nagu enne tööle hakkamist: igapäevane raamatukogus käimine, rattaga sõitmine, lugemine, kirjutamine ja filmide vaatamine ning enda ettevalmistamine uueks eluperioodiks.

Olen aru saanud, et midagi ainuõiget ei olegi olemas. On lihtsalt mingi tõde, mis mulle antud ajahetkel kõige õigem ja sobivam tundub.

Igaühel on oma tee ja oma tõde, mis ei tähenda, et need ajas muutuda ei võiks, lausa peavadki muutuma, sest elu on ju pidev areng ning edasiminek. Tõsi, teinekord on seisak ning tagasi langemine, aga hea uudis on see, et absoluutselt igale langusele järgneb varem või hiljem taas tõus.

Minu viimase aja suurim õppetund on see, kuidas vastutus enda elu eest taas enda kätte võtta - pimesi mingeid inimesi või kontseptsioone järgides on oht isennast selle kõige sisse ära kaotada, ent see MINA ISE - see, kes ma tegelikult olen, on mu ainus tõeline väärtus siin elus üldse.


* "Never stop being you!" ja "Keep shining love always!" on kaks tunnustavat lauset, mis ma sellest office´ist, mis mõnda aega oli kogu mu elu, komplimentidena kaasa võtan, kui sellele elukogemusele maani kummarduse teen ja AITÄHHH ütlen.